Imagine going to Target with your three kids (or however many you have.) You’re shopping and everything is going well, then suddenly one of your children disappears. You feel frantic, you look everywhere for her, but you can’t find her. You wonder what happened to her. Now someone says you have to leave with just your other two. “But you have your two,” they say, “just concentrate on them.” Of course that’s impossible! Where is she? You can’t leave without her. Now imagine leaving the store and leaving your one. Imagine going home and doing the dishes and cooking dinner and having a conversation with someone. It’s almost impossible because all you can think about is the missing one. That’s how I feel every day. A part of me is missing and it feels impossible to function without it. It goes against every fiber of my being to live each day without my child. Every now and then I have a moment where I feel normal again and forget about the missing one. Then it hits me, she’s not here, and the feeling of sheer panic comes and stays. It reminds me of the parable Jesus told of the shepherd who had 100 sheep. One of them went missing. The shepherd left the 99 to go look for the one who was missing.
Matthew 18:12,13 What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.
God is the shepherd, we are the sheep. He wants you with him like I want Lucy with me. If you don’t know him he will long for you until the day that you die. He loves you more than I love Lucy and Liam and Asher and more than you love your own children. He’s waiting for you and longing for you.
This is so beautiful and a painfully sweet description of a parent’s love for her/his child.
Thank you for sharing such tender details. I’ve so enjoyed seeing your heart. Lucy’s story is precious and it brings me to tears getting to read it. I look forward to meeting her in Heaven one day.
I also thank you for telling your story because my sister-in-law and brother-in-law also lost their baby boy. They found out during her pregnancy that he had polycystic kidney disease and that he would have to be on dialysis for the first year of his life and then a kidney transplant by age 1. All of this sounded horrific but with God’s help they pressed on and prayed for healing. But on the day he was born he died! Because of the lack of fluid in the womb, due to the disease, his lungs did not mature and he was unable to breath air once born. We were all stunned Especially his parents. They had not planned for a funeral on his birthday. Like you, instead of my sis in law having that bundle of joy, she had an empty hospital room with no new life. It’s been 2 years ago now but because of your story I feel like I have a better glimpse into how she must feel.
I look forward to reading new posts and will be praying for a healthy upcoming pregnancy!