That’s right, it’s negative. I got a negative pregnancy test for Mother’s Day.
It was our first month trying to conceive since we lost Lucy and I was surprised at how devastated I was. It felt like a slap in the face because I “should” be about 8 months pregnant, but instead I’m crying over a negative pregnancy test. Mother’s Day is hard for me now. Motherhood used to be my most treasured role in life, but now it will always be tainted with death and grief for me because I am a mother without my child. That ache can never fully be soothed, no matter how many living children I have or how many years have passed. A Mommy without her baby is a Mommy with an everlasting wound. Today is my first Mother’s Day without my baby Lucy and my wound is so fresh. It is a searing pain.
Today I am praying for all of the women who have lost their babies, and especially for the women who have lost babies and have no living children. I am also praying for the women struggling with infertility. Did you know that some women NEVER see two pink lines on that test? Do you know how absolutely frustrating it is for those women to try and try and see all the women around them having babies so easily while they long for just one? Through my loss I have been introduced to a totally different side of motherhood. I am now aware of the many, many things I took for granted. I took for granted the fact that I was able to get pregnant so easily. I always just assumed that when I got pregnant it meant I would get a baby. It doesn’t. In my first two pregnancies I bought maternity clothes, picked out names, dreamed about what my babies would look like, decorated their room, bought the baby clothes, complained about how horrible pregnancy was, how hard breastfeeding was, how difficult Liam’s colic was. I had no idea what blessings I was overlooking. I never realized how amazingly blessed I was to even get those two pink lines in the first place. I was SO BLESSED to vomit for four months while my healthy baby grew inside me, SO BLESSED to be able to pick out a baby name and actually get to use it. I was SO BLESSED to make it past the second trimester, to go through labor knowing I would get a live baby at the end of it. When I had trouble breastfeeding I never realized HOW BLESSED I was to actually have a baby to feed with the milk that filled my breasts. When I complained about not getting enough sleep HOW BLESSED I was to have a baby to keep me up at night. I had no idea. Now I do, and I will not take any of it for granted from now on. Thank you, my Lucy girl, for teaching me so many beautiful things about life. HOW BLESSED I am to have my Lucy waiting for me in heaven. How much sweeter is heaven now that Lucy is there?
To all the mothers who have their babies with them, cherish every moment and thank God for your many blessings. To all the mothers who have lost children and to the mothers at heart who are still waiting for their babies, know that I am praying for you today and weeping with you on this Mother’s Day. Our tears will not fall in vain. They are precious to the One who made us.
Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?
Psalm 126:5,6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
And now I would like to take a little bit of my own advice and remember the blessings that have been lavished on me. My two blond boys that I prayed so long for. They are so wonderful. Do you know how many prayers I said, begging God to let me be a Mommy one day? To give me a boy and then to give that boy a little brother? I think I remember my first prayer asking God to give me my own baby. I was about 5 or 6. It has been my lifelong dream. He has answered my prayers with my Liam Joshua, my Asher Caleb and my Lucy Dair, who I will know one day. He is a good God who loves to give His children good things. I am so thankful He let me be a Mommy like I asked (begged!) I cherish my children so much.
And can I just brag about my two boys? I’m sorry if this is annoying and I give you full permission to stop reading now, because I am going to brag about my sons. Liam has the most amazing/ridiculous brain. I thought I was well prepared for motherhood after helping my Mom with my little sisters and brother and getting my degree in early childhood and elementary education. Nothing could have prepared me for my Liam. Since he is my first child I have asked my Mom for advice many times regarding Liam and she usually says, “I don’t really know. I’ve never seen a child like him.” And she raised 5 (not so easy to raise) children. He is extremely emotional, in love with danger, totally unpredictable and he would rather eat broccoli than ice cream. He started reading when he was two and a half (without much help from anyone besides PBS kids.) He started reading before he was even potty trained. Once when he was one I gave him some pretzels and noticed he wasn’t eating them, he was biting them and breaking off pieces so they formed letters. Liam says the most wonderful things. Here are some of my favorites-
TWO YEAR OLD LIAM:
“Daddy, Daddy, I found a nose under my eyes! And there’s a back under my neck!”
Me: Liam, I got you some Halloween cookies! Are you excited?
Liam: Umm….how about some fruits and vegetables? Fruit starts with the letter F.
“Mommy, when is it my turn to drive the knife?” (As I’m cutting apples.)
“Daddy, is your name ‘Daddy’ or ‘Babe’?”
He was so obsessed with letters that he imagined the world as a book. When someone was in his way he would say, “Excuse me, that’s my page. Move.”
THREE YEAR OLD LIAM:
“Mommy, squares are called tiles and rectangles are called bricks, but what are circles called?”
“Mommy, I just can’t sleep because I need to poop and I need you to spell a word and I need to think about it.”
“Why isn’t ‘new’ spelled N-O-O since O-O makes the ooh sound?”
“Mommy, where is the S-H in lotion?”
“Hey Dad, what are those pictures called that float in the air while I sleep?” (dreams)
“Mommy, what’s an artichoke? Is it something you have to do at the doctor?”
“Mall is spelled M-A-L-L, but Molly in my class is spelled M-O-L-L-Y, so mall should be spelled M-O-L-L.”
FOUR YEAR OLD LIAM:
Liam: Mommy, come play trains with me.
Me: Not right now, I’m spending time with Jesus.
Liam: Ok, tell Jesus he can come too.
“I just can’t wait to grow up so I can be a taxi driver.”
“Mommy, for dinner can we have that dog food that people eat that looks like a popsicle?” (corn dog)
Me (as Asher is screaming hysterically): Liam, what did you do to your brother?
Liam: Nothing, Mom. I just broke his heart.
Long before I met Josh I dreamed about my son. He was standing on a curb and the sun was hitting his beautiful white blond hair. His hair was so curly and his name was Liam and I begged God to let it be. Here I am now, with my Liam Joshua, who I love with all of my heart. I treasure every day I get with him.
After Liam was born we begged God to give him a brother. I prayed that this baby would be big and chunky and would love to eat and would not have colic. I told God that while He was making a colic-free baby for me, maybe He could just go ahead and make him a happy, easy baby as well. When I was pregnant with Asher we didn’t know what to name him, so we asked God to help us find the perfect name. God helped me find “Asher” which means happy and blessed. We loved it, but kept it a secret until he was born. We didn’t tell anybody, but one day while I was still pregnant my Mom said, “I just have to ask, is his name Asher? God told me his name is going to be Asher.” I couldn’t believe it. Sure enough, Asher weighed three pounds more at birth (even born at the exact same gestation) than his brother- 10 pounds 2 ounces. He is the most happy, easy baby. He lives up to his name. He will give me a kiss whenever I ask, no matter what he is in the middle of. He will stop his monster truck race, his train rescue mission, his task of complete house destruction to come kiss his Mommy. He says the sweetest things like, “Mommy booful hair!” and “Asher love, love, love Mommy.” He smells mostly like a toddler, with just a hint of that sweet baby smell still lingering. I love him so much. I’m so glad I have my boys and that they have each other.
Im so thankful for those sweet blonde boys too. I love them so much. I think Lucy is celebrating Mothers Day in heaven, Im pretty sure she’s been informed of how wonderful her mother is.
Bethany, I am so thankful for you, Liam, Asher, and Lucy, and Josh. You are my gifts from God.
I came to your blog because Josh posted it on FB. We were high school classmates… which feels like a lifetime ago. 🙂
Last year, on Mother’s Day, my husband and I lost our son Joel, at 17 weeks gestation. It was extremely quick. My water broke at 7:30 am, and just 8 hours later he was buried with a special tree to mark his grave. (At 17 weeks hospitals don’t consider your baby anything more than medical waste. They thought we were nuts to want to take home our baby and give him a proper burial. Isn’t our world sad?)
Despite the agony we experienced this past year, God has been at work. But I know how very hard it is… I know the hurt you are living. All I can tell you is that He is faithful, even when we are not. He can handle our anger and questioning, and will not turn His back. How very grateful I am for that, for this year has been full of anger and questioning.
My blog is private because we are a foster family, but I would be glad to give you access if you would like to read more of our story. I just need your email address to add you to the list. You can reach me at bethhaut (at) gmail.com
Praying for you and Josh,
I saw your blog link on the antibody iso group on babycenter. I’m also an antibody (little c) positive and pregnant with my 6th baby (2nd iso preg). My third child and only daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks due to a knot in her cord, so I know your pain. I started blogging right before Felicity went to Heaven (we’re believers too) and after her death it was such a release to me and I met so many other blogging baby loss mamas through it. God gave me that to help me heal. It’s been almost 5 years, and the pain is gone, but the longing for my daughter remains. I will always miss her presence in our family. I will be praying for you as you start this long journey of grieve and healing. I remember the intensity with which I loved to be pregnant after Felicity died. It is a good and godly desire, but remember to grieve as well. I m/c’ed about 4 months after Felicity died, and my grief over that is still all tumbled together with my grief over missing Felicity. Thankfully our rainbow baby (and first iso baby) arrived about 15 months after Felicity left us. And that was so healing. I pray you know that healing soon!
Pingback: Why I Love this Ultrasound Picture | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope