Monthly Archives: June 2013

The Chinese Lady

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So, yesterday we ate dinner at a little Chinese restaurant and when we walked in, the Chinese lady behind the counter was very excited about my boys. Her eyes lit up and she said, “They so cute. Aw, two boys. No girl?” My heart sank, but another part of my heart leapt up to defend my daughter’s existence. “Yes, I do have a baby girl, but she’s in heaven.” The poor woman’s English was not quite what I thought it was. She looked so confused. “Heaven? Baby girl?” And then she looked back down at the boys, baffled and feeling kind of awkward, poor lady. I should have just let it go, but no. I lived in Korea for over two years and I am very comfortable playing charades as a method of communication. I started trying to act out “dead baby girl” and pointing to the sky and explaining that heaven is where dead people go and that’s where my girl is. I could feel Josh trying to shrink into the background next to me as other customers started watching the charades show. It ended with the lady saying, “Heaven?” and shrugging with a “I have no idea what you’re talking about” look on her face. Then she asked what we wanted to order. I felt like a crazy person. I do think the lady sensed that I was trying to explain something important and something sad, probably from the defeated look on my face as I was trying to order food that I had little appetite for. After we ate, she brought the boys some watermelon slices and patted them on the head and smiled at me. It was sweet, but I had a hard time pulling out of the sadness fog for the rest of the day. I miss my girl.

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Remembering Our Babies- Luke Hudson Hopper

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Every baby is special, every life is important, and every Mom wants to show off her baby. For those of us who lose our babies too soon, we don’t ever get to show them off and we rarely get to say their names or tell people about them. In our country, thousands of babies are stillborn every year, roughly one every twenty minutes. There are even more miscarriages. Here on my blog, I want to remember all of the lost babies and give their parents an opportunity to show them off. These Mamas are so proud of their babies and are going to share them with us here. Since Lucy died on a Friday, I will share a new baby’s story every Friday. We honor these little lives by acknowledging their presence with us, even if it was a very short time. Do you know how these babies are loved? Do you know that each baby was cherished by their families, even if they left only after a few weeks? Do you know how these babies are missed every single day? Please pray for these families, who have to live every day without their precious children.

LUKE HUDSON HOPPER

Josh and I have lost our baby, Luke.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and everything was good. Luke had a strong heartbeat.  On Sunday, Mother’s Day, Luke was kicking and active all day.  We went to church and had family dinner with my parents and sister at my parents’ new house and my family enjoyed feeling my belly and talking about him coming soon.  On Monday morning, one week before the due date, we went to our 39-week doctor’s appointment to talk about the upcoming delivery and possibly inducing birth.  I took Josh and my mom with me to the appointment because I wanted their help and support in that conversation and in making decisions in the timing of that.  At the appointment, the doctor could not find the heartbeat with the Doppler or the ultrasound equipment.  The doctor sent us directly to the hospital, where they admitted us and put us in a room.  They did another ultrasound, confirming Luke no longer had a heartbeat.  Hospital staff began saying “I’m sorry for your loss” before I even understood that there really was a loss.  I was in shock for awhile at first.  They began trying to induce labor.  After 2 days of trying to induce labor with little progress, the doctor said we needed to do a C-section late Tuesday evening.

Luke Hudson Hopper was born on 5/14/13 at 11:00 p.m. at 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 ½ inches long.  When we were all back in our hospital room, they brought him in for us to see him, hold him and say goodbye.  He was beautiful and perfect and his skin felt incredibly soft like any baby’s.  He had lots of light brown hair with some curl to it, Josh’s chin with the little cleft in it, my nose. and long, skinny feet like we both have.  My mom, my sister and I held him and kissed him and said goodbye.  Josh and my dad looked at him, but did not choose to hold him.  Josh did pinch his cheeks as that was something he had been looking forward to doing. They gave us as long as we wanted with him before they took him away.  During Tuesday night around 4 a.m., a company called Now I lay Me Down to Sleep came and took professional pictures of him that will be sent to us for us to look at if and when we feel ready to do that.

We stayed in the hospital through Thursday, healing from the C-section and dealing with the physical parts of having a baby.  We had visits at the hospital from our pastor and his wife, a hospital chaplain, a social worker, and a former bible study leader of mine and a nurse who both had lost babies at full-term who talked to us about their own experiences with their similar losses that were helpful.  Because Luke was full-term, we had to choose a funeral home to handle his physical body and the hospital staff helped us with that.  We are having him cremated.  When we left the hospital on Thursday, they gave us a box with his foot and handprints, a lock of is hair and some other items like the white flower they had on the door of our hospital room to warn people coming in what the situation was.

They are doing an autopsy, but may or may not be able to tell us what happened.  The only thing the doctor could see wrong at the birth was that there was a blood clot in the umbilical cord.  They don’t know if that caused his death or happened afterwards.

We are obviously heartbroken.  This baby was so wanted, loved, and waited for.  We had a nursery prepared for him full of wonderful things and were so ready for this new purpose in our lives.  The last year has been devoted to preparing for him, dreaming about him and being excited for his arrival and the changes it would bring.  We feel very empty and unbearably sad. It is hard not wonder what I could have done differently or feel guilt.  However, I believe that God allowed this.  He let this happen for some reason and I could not have changed it no matter what I did, although I do go in and out of “what ifs” and “If I had only…”.  It is hard not to know why this happened or to be angry at how unfair it is.  It doesn’t make sense. I am holding on to my favorite verse Romans 8:28 that says “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord.”  I cannot fathom at this point how this could be worked for good, but I have to trust that somehow it will be someday.  I also believe that God does not give us more than we can handle, so even though it feels like a bottomless pit of loss and sorrow, I know I will survive and God is there for me always.  Josh and my family are too.

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who is holding me, caring for me, crying with me, worrying about me and telling me that I deserve a chubby-cheeked baby more than anyone else in the world and that we will have one.

I am also thankful for my special family who sat in the hospital with us all day the whole week and are continuing to care for us.  I am thankful that my parents have moved close to us and are nearby to help and support us.  They are feeling a big loss too.  They were so excited for this long-awaited first grandbaby. It is hard for me to see Josh and my dad crying repeatedly as that it is not something I have seen.  My sister always has the right words that I need to hear.

It is going to take time.  It is going to be a hard path with ups and downs and there will be very dark days.  It is going to be a hurt for the rest of our lives, but somehow we are going to be okay.  I know without a doubt that Luke is heaven being loved by God and our loved ones who are there.  He did not have to suffer and he is enjoying eternity with our Father.  But I can’t help wishing we’d gotten to keep him in our arms for awhile first.

Please keep us in your prayers -Sara

This woman has been such an inspiration to me. Throughout her horrific loss, she has trusted God and glorified Him with her response to this tragedy. She and I have really connected and become friends through the loss of our babies. The name Luke means light in Latin, just like Lucy, and it comforts me to know they are together in heaven. Baby Luke sounds so cute. I think, with his measurements, he was going to be tall and thin. I know he was so loved, but is surrounded by even more love in heaven. I’m excited about meeting him one day. Please check out Sara’s blog about baby Luke and how she is dealing with her loss. It is inspiring and has encouraged me so much in the last month.

If you would like to share your baby’s story, just e-mail me at bethanysk55@yahoo.com  You can share whatever you want about your baby, and you don’t have to include your name if you don’t want to. Also, I think your baby is just as important if you lost him/her at 6 weeks or at 40 weeks. Even if you never knew the sex of your baby, you might have had names picked out, a due date and lots of hopes and dreams for that child. All of that is important and is welcome here.

Be Here Now

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So, we’re still waiting to get that positive pregnancy test. Liam just found a thermometer today and asked, “Did you get two lines yet? I don’t see two lines on here.” I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life waiting for the next big thing. I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school and become “an adult.” I waited and waited to graduate from college, as if that would fulfill me. After college, it was the wait for a husband and the wait to finish grad school. I couldn’t wait to get married. I begged God to give me a husband. As soon as I got married it was the wait to have a baby. I thought about it constantly, begged Josh to let me have a baby right away (thank goodness he said no.) We taught English in Korea and loved it, but I also couldn’t wait to finish our two year contract and get back to America and buy a house and start our family. Now I can’t wait to travel again, to get back to Korea. It’s ridiculous. Why can’t I just be content right where I am? After I got my baby, I couldn’t wait to finish breastfeeding, I couldn’t wait until Liam could talk (now I beg him to stop talking.) I couldn’t wait to have the next baby. After having baby boy #2 I couldn’t wait to have a daughter.

Now the stakes are so much higher. When I was pregnant with Lucy, the wait to find out if she would live was the longest wait of my life. Now I have to wait my whole life to meet her. I am desperately waiting for healing to come, for the joy that comes after the night. We are anxiously waiting to get those two lines on the pregnancy test, but what then? Even if we do get pregnant again, we will have to wait at least 17 weeks to find out if our baby has a chance at life. We will not know before then if the baby will live. How terrifying will that wait be? Any pregnancy after losing a baby is scary, but going into it knowing my baby has such low odds of survival is horrifying. My waiting is laced with fear and anxiety and I know this isn’t how God wants me to live. I want to settle down in the moment and savor it. I want to trust God to get me through this day and not worry about tomorrow.

I read an article once about Andy Whitfield, an actor who battled cancer for 18 months before dying at age 39. He had a wife and two young children who were left devastated. Andy had a film crew follow him around during his treatment and now they’ve made a documentary about his fight with cancer. Anyway, he talked about making your one life count and treasuring the time you have. He got a tattoo on his arm, “BE HERE NOW.”

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He said, “Be here now is all about being present and not fearing what you don’t know.” Even though he knew he was about to die of cancer, he lived in the moment. That’s inspiring to me. Since reading that article I think about that line often. Be here now. I want to be here now. Am I living here now? Or am I wasting my time worrying about the future that I can’t control? Am I just waiting for the next big thing? How much time have I wasted being anxious about the future? My Mom always told me growing up, “90% of your worries don’t come true.” I have no idea where she got that statistic from, but from my experiences, it does seem to be fairly accurate.

I think about Jesus, who lived all 33 years of His life knowing what was at the end of it. He knew that He would be viciously beaten, humiliated, mocked, crucified and blamed for all the sin of the world. That’s what He had to wait for. But He didn’t wring His hands and anxiously worry about His future. He had ultimate peace and He had joy and He was able to love other people, all with the crucifixion hanging over his head, looming ahead of Him. What an amazing example of how we should live.

Here’s Elisabeth Elliot, I love her words:

“Jesus taught us to work and watch, but never to worry, to do gladly whatever we are given to do, and to leave all else with God…Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.”

“But is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow? It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given us today. Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold of what can never belong to us-tomorrow? Our lives are His, our times in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what may happen.”

How freeing it is to hand the future over to God and to live today with peace and confidence.

Matthew 6:27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

One of the most heartbreaking things about possibly not being able to have anymore kids is the feeling like I didn’t savor Liam and Asher’s babyhoods. In my mind, they were the first two of many children. I didn’t know they could be my last. I wanted to rush through so many things- breastfeeding, diapers, teething, potty training, late nights with crying babies. Now I would give anything to be doing those things with my Lucy. Why didn’t I savor those moments while I lived them? One day, I will be old and there won’t really be any big next things to look forward to and I will wish I could go back in time. I want to know that I lived every day in that day and I want to feel satisfied. I don’t want to be left with just memories of all the times I wanted to fast forward.

You Guys Are Amazing

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Since Lucy died, the outpouring of love on our family has been amazing. The support we have felt from our friends and family and even strangers has helped carry us through the darkest time of our lives. I couldn’t believe when we had hot meals delivered to our door for four whole weeks after coming home from the hospital. People helped take care of our children, they offered to do grocery shopping for me, to clean my house or do yard work. Beautiful flowers came to our door after Lucy died and our mailbox was full of sweet cards, letters, gifts, money, gift cards and books day after day. Several people paid for the Gideons to donate Bibles in memory of our Lucy Dair. I have been shocked by the generosity and love that other people have lavished on us.

My parents’ neighbor, Connie, who is an artist, wrote Lucy’s name and birth date with her foot prints and it is so beautiful.

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One of my pastor’s daughters made me a prayer shawl while I was going through my high risk pregnancy. A prayer shawl is just a shawl that someone knits or crochets, and while they make it, they pray for you. I received the prayer shawl as Lucy was dying inside me after the blood transfusion. Those were some of the most terrifying, anxiety-ridden days of my life. I knew something was horribly wrong and Lucy wasn’t kicking. I slept with that prayer shawl every night until Lucy died, and it comforted me. I now picture myself wrapping my future miracle baby in this prayer shawl after he/she is born.

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My friend, Melody, who makes the most beautiful, unique jewelry, art and accessories sent me this necklace (check out her shop.) It is so special to me. My boys love looking at it and naming each egg, “Liam’s egg, Asher’s egg, baby Lucy’s egg.” I love being able to celebrate the fact that I’m a Mom of three, even though I only have two with me.

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My sister gave me this bracelet, that I love. I love wearing Lucy’s name on me, since I rarely get to say it. It’s very special to me.

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My friend, Anna, who is a very busy woman with four little ones of her own, spent a whole evening showing me how to start a blog. I was so scared to start a blog, but she encouraged me to do it. Her help getting this blog started has been one of the most healing gifts I have received. She has an inspiring blog of her own, by the way, encouraging us Moms to be healthy, strong and happy. www.momstrong.org 

These are just some of the more personal gifts I have received. There is no way I can name all of the gifts people have given us. I know I have not thanked everyone personally and I’m embarrassed that I haven’t. My grief has truly taken over so much of my life, it has been hard to remember to thank everyone. I want you all to know that I am so thankful for all of the gifts of love. Thank you to every single one of you. You guys are amazing.

People have not only encouraged us with gifts, but with words that have lifted me out of the pit time and time again. I have had so many women tell me about their miscarriages and stillbirths and it has reminded me that I am not alone in my suffering. I know it’s hard and it’s awkward to talk to someone who is lost in their own grief. Thank you, to those of you who have. Your words have felt like a life raft being tossed out to me as I struggle to stay afloat. I have had several people say, “I don’t really know what to say to you, but I want you to know that I’m sorry and I’m praying for you.” Perfect. When I visited my family in Memphis my cousin Valerie said, “We want to hear all about Lucy. Don’t feel like you have to hold back.” It was wonderful. I appreciate every comment on my blog and Facebook posts about Lucy. Every single one of them is read and appreciated. I have had horrible days where I just can’t seem to stop crying and sometimes just one encouraging comment on my blog can lift me out of my grief fog. I’m so thankful for all the people who have prayed for us and for Lucy while she was fighting for her life. I know your prayers have given us peace and strength to keep going. I can never express how much all of you have helped me in my journey through this grief. Thank you so much, to all of you. Your love and support is irreplaceable.

Remembering Our Babies- Calvin Jake

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Every baby is special, every life is important, and every Mom wants to show off her baby. For those of us who lose our babies too soon, we don’t ever get to show them off and we rarely get to say their names or tell people about them. In our country, thousands of babies are stillborn every year, roughly one every twenty minutes. There are even more miscarriages. Here on my blog, I want to remember all of the lost babies and give their parents an opportunity to show them off. These Mamas are so proud of their babies and are going to share them with us here. Since Lucy died on a Friday, I will share a new baby’s story every Friday. We honor these little lives by acknowledging their presence with us, even if it was a very short time. Do you know how these babies are loved? Do you know that each baby was cherished by their families, even if they left only after a few weeks? Do you know how these babies are missed every single day? Please pray for these families, who have to live every day without their precious children.

CALVIN JAKE

Calvin Jake was due on April 12, 2013.  He was born into heaven on April 4, 2013.  He was 6 lbs 6 oz and 20 in long. He had a ton of dark hair just like his sister.  He looked a lot like her.  When we found out he was going to be a boy, our daughter still insisted on him being a girl.  We even thought at times she may be right but we would have to wait until he came out.  I even held off on buying clothes above 6 mos just in case.  About a week before we had him she started saying he was a boy.  He kicked me often throughout the day but every evening when I finally was able to relax or when I worked on BB study lessons he kicked like crazy.  Sometimes it felt like he was going to kick himself out.  My husband had the idea of calling him Calvin and my daughter and I came up with Jake.  We miss him everyday.

Those baby kicks are so precious. What a sweet baby, and I love his name. Thank you to Calvin’s Mommy for sharing him with us today. It comforts me to know that Lucy has so many friends in heaven, like Calvin. I know she will introduce me to him one day when I get there.

If you would like to share your baby’s story, just e-mail me at bethanysk55@yahoo.com  You can share whatever you want about your baby, and you don’t have to include your name if you don’t want to. Also, I think your baby is just as important if you lost him/her at 6 weeks or at 40 weeks. Even if you never knew the sex of your baby, you might have had names picked out, a due date and lots of hopes and dreams for that child. All of that is important and is welcome here.

How God Prepared Me for the Death of my Daughter

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Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of your baby, but looking back, I see how God helped prepare the way for me and strengthened me for the death of my daughter. Before we knew it was a high risk pregnancy, I started reading a facebook page called, “Prayers for Preston.” I don’t know the family personally, but I was immediately struck by how strong they were through a horrible tragedy. Their son (who is about the same age as my Asher) was found unresponsive in a swimming pool in September of 2012. So many people have been praying for baby Preston to wake up from his coma and to be completely healed. His family has clung to God and glorified Him through Preston’s story. I remember thinking, “I could never survive something like that. I could never be as strong as Preston’s Mom and the rest of his family has been.” I was also so glad that my life was tragedy free.

In December, I started reading “Remembering Ann Reese” on facebook and praying for her family. Little Ann Reese died on Christmas Eve (which was also her Mommy’s birthday) in a terrible swingset accident. Ann Reese was almost three years old, right in between the ages of my boys. I couldn’t believe the strength of her mother and other family members. They grieved publicly for Ann Reese and clung to God. They were open and honest about their tragedy and it was obvious that God was the reason they survived the worst thing imaginable. I was inspired. I wondered how I would react if something terrible like that happened to me. I thought, “How can these women have their babies ripped out of their arms and still praise God?” It was amazing. I checked these facebook pages daily and prayed constantly for these families. I had no idea that God was using them to prepare me for the death of my own daughter.

After Lucy died and I had to go through labor and delivery, I truly did not know if I could do it. Giving birth to your dead baby has to be one of the hardest things on earth. While I was in labor, I kept thinking of Ann Reese and her Mom. At the moment, their tragedy was the only thing I could think of that seemed worse than what I was going through. I thought, “Ann Reese’s Mom survived. I can too.” It strengthened me and challenged me. It showed me that I was physically capable of surviving my tragedy, that I could live without my daughter.

After I had my two boys I knew I would have a girl next. I was so excited about having my very own girl. I couldn’t wait for her, I knew she was coming. Three months before she was conceived and almost exactly one year before her due date, I wrote this letter to Lucy:

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To My Daughter,

I feel your creation on the horizon. Like the smell of a rainstorm coming- a beautiful rainstorm that’s been prayed for. I see your Maker readying Himself to make you. I can’t wait to meet you. I know you’re coming. I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do. You are wanted so very much. You are coming and I am hopefully waiting with open arms; my sweet, beautiful daughter to be…

Love, Mommy

And this was the verse God told me to write to my daughter that day:

Psalm 139:16  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Right after we found out there was a complication with the pregnancy and Lucy might be in danger, I felt so terrified. I was so scared for my baby’s life and it was terrifying to be able to do nothing as her mother to protect her. I begged God to show me if she would live. It was so hard to go through a pregnancy knowing I might not get my baby at the end of it. I suddenly remembered that I had written a letter to Lucy in my journal several months earlier. I found it and read it, hoping God had put some comforting clue to the future in it, showing me that she would live. My heart sank when I read the letter to Lucy and saw that I had compared my daughter to a coming rainstorm. Looking back, I see God preparing me for the deepest loss of my life. I was devastated to read the letter to Lucy because it showed that a storm was brewing, but at the end was Psalm 139:16 assuring me that God had Lucy’s life planned out already. Every one of her days was written in His book before she was even conceived. It comforted me to know Lucy was in His hands, not mine.

I asked Him over and over again, “Will she live? Will I get to keep her? Are you going to save her? Please save her, Lord. Protect my baby.” I never felt like He told me she would live. He told me every time, “I’ve got you. I’ve got Lucy. You don’t have to worry. I’ve got her. She will be safe with me.”

If you are reading this, you might be in the place I was in when I was reading Prayers for Preston and Remembering Ann Reese. You might be wondering if you could survive something like this. Let me tell you, YOU CAN. If we are human, we are destined to suffer at some point in our lives. I wondered if I could survive, if God would really carry me like He said He would. He has. I have never felt Him as close as I have during my greatest suffering. I have never heard Him speak so clearly to me. I have never had so intimate a relationship as I do now with my God. I cling to Him every minute, crying out to Him as I go about my day. I tell Him everything- that I need Him, that I’m scared because He let my daughter die, that I’m disappointed, that I just want Him to take me to heaven, that I can’t do it. When I feel empty, I tell Him and I ask Him to prove His love to me, to show me, to let me feel it, because I don’t feel it at that moment. He ALWAYS makes me feel loved. He reminds me that His baby boy was murdered so that I could live, so that Lucy could live. He knows the pain of losing His baby. He holds me and tells me that every tear I cry is precious to Him. He promises me that He will redeem it. He promises to fill my heart with joy and my belly with a baby again, and I feel the heaviness lift from my chest.

In the Bible, Jesus talks about the man who built his house on the sand and the man who built his house on the rock.

Matthew 7:24-27   Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

It doesn’t say that those who build their house on the rock will not face the rain, the wind and the floods. We will have trials and pain in life. What matters is where you’ve built your house, what you’ve built your house on. That determines if you will survive. You can prepare for the storm before it hits. You can sink your roots deep into God. Spend time with Him, memorize scripture, read books that strengthen your faith, and decide that you will trust Him no matter what happens. Build your life on Him. Don’t worry about the calamity that could come, know that He will sustain you.

If you asked me a year ago, “What is the worst thing you can think of that could possibly happen to you?” I would have said, “Something bad happening to one of my children.” And somewhere close behind that would have been, “Something preventing me from having more children.” They both happened in one blow. I am in the midst of it now, and I can say He is sustaining me through it all. He is good on His word. He will do what He says if you lean into Him. Enjoy every day, savor the beautiful things in your life and thank God for all of them. Also, would you please pray for baby Preston, who is still in a coma, and for his family, who have been caring for him and taking care of his two big brothers as well. Please pray for Ann Reese’s family too. They need so much healing and strength to get through the rest of their lives without their sweet little daughter. My heart breaks for these families. I am so thankful to them for showing me how to honor God through tragedy and to trust Him no matter what.

Remembering Our Babies- James Bradford Newsome II

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Every baby is special, every life is important, and every Mom wants to show off her baby. For those of us who lose our babies too soon, we don’t ever get to show them off and we rarely get to say their names or tell people about them. In our country, thousands of babies are stillborn every year, roughly one every twenty minutes. There are even more miscarriages. Here on my blog, I want to remember all of the lost babies and give their parents an opportunity to show them off. These Mamas are so proud of their babies and are going to share them with us here. Since Lucy died on a Friday, I will share a new baby’s story every Friday. We honor these little lives by acknowledging their presence with us, even if it was a very short time. Do you know how these babies are loved? Do you know that each baby was cherished by their families, even if they left only after a few weeks? Do you know how these babies are missed every single day? Please pray for these families, who have to live every day without their precious children.

JAMES BRADFORD NEWSOME II

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Little James, named after his daddy, was born at home on 4/13/13. The paramedics arrived less than a minute after his birth, cut the cord, and whisked him away in the first ambulance. When I arrived at the hospital, I was told that he needed to be transferred to the children’s hospital. I ok’d the transfer, and was shortly after put under for an emergency surgery to stop my bleeding. When I woke up an hour later, I was told the transfer team had arrived, but given my sons massive heart defect, and underdeveloped lungs, chances were very high that he would not survive, and if he were taken to the children’s hospital, he would die there alone. I could not let that happen. They removed the machines and brought me the most beautiful perfect 5lb baby boy. It was just the two of us….I held him close to my heart, took pictures with my phone, and just told him how much his daddy and I loved him. At 12:50pm, my angel gained his wings. 6 hours and 20 minutes, changed our lives forever. My 14 month old will never get to be the big sister, my 7 yr old son will not know what it’s like to have a brother, and my older girls will not have another baby to spoil. God, how I miss him, how my arms and heart ache for him daily. If there is one thing I want people to know from my story, it’s that unexpected does not mean unloved, or unwanted. Fly High Little Man, we love and miss you daily!

What a handsome baby boy. James is obviously so missed by his Mommy and Daddy and his big brother and big sisters. I am so thankful his Mom shared him with us today. He’s beautiful.

If you would like to share your baby’s story, just e-mail me at bethanysk55@yahoo.com  You can share whatever you want about your baby, and you don’t have to include your name if you don’t want to. Also, I think your baby is just as important if you lost him/her at 6 weeks or at 40 weeks. Even if you never knew the sex of your baby, you might have had names picked out, a due date and lots of hopes and dreams for that child. All of that is important and is welcome here.

Birth Announcements :(

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This is what I just got in the mail today.

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Horrible! Just another reminder that I won’t be announcing the arrival of my first baby girl in a couple of weeks. As if I need to be reminded. And last week I got Enfamil coupons in the mail for “My new baby.” Please pray for me as Lucy’s due date approaches. I have been dreading the first week of July since I lost Lucy in February. The closer it gets, the sadder I get. I’m hoping there will be some relief once it passes. Thank you so much for the prayers.

More Than I Can Handle

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I’ve heard many people say, “Don’t worry, God won’t give you more than you can handle.” But I’ve learned from my experiences that He does. Watching my daughter die in my womb is more than I can handle. Over and over again I come to the end of my rope and that’s when I look to Him. That’s when I learn to trust Him, to lay my burden on Him, and He carries it for me. There’s nothing too big or terrible for my God to handle, but ME? I am powerless without Him. This is one of the great lessons of life I have learned from my Lucy.

I would say the majority of my days I still (even after 4 months) feel like a dead person going through the motions of life. I feel gutted. It’s so hard to care about the petty things in life. Actually, compared to losing a child, almost everything seems petty. A lot of times I look ahead at my life and I try to imagine living with this suffering for the rest of my years. It feels impossible because I’m dead inside. How can I go on living? But I’ve realized what a dangerous and misleading thing this is. A feeling of hopelessness lays heavy on me when I project the way I am feeing today onto all of my future days. One day God will breathe life back into me. My heart will heal, and I will feel joy again. God has promised it. After all, He is the God who raises the dead.

2 Corinthians 1:8,9  For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 

Remembering Our Babies- Jamie Denise

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Every baby is special, every life is important, and every Mom wants to show off her baby. For those of us who lose our babies too soon, we don’t ever get to show them off and we rarely get to say their names or tell people about them. In our country, thousands of babies are stillborn every year, roughly one every twenty minutes. There are even more miscarriages. Here on my blog, I want to remember all of the lost babies and give their parents an opportunity to show them off. These Mamas are so proud of their babies and are going to share them with us here. Since Lucy died on a Friday, I will share a new baby’s story every Friday. We honor these little lives by acknowledging their presence with us, even if it was a very short time. Do you know how these babies are loved? Do you know that each baby was cherished by their families, even if they left only after a few weeks? Do you know how these babies are missed every single day? Please pray for these families, who have to live every day without their precious children.

JAMIE DENISE

Jamie Denise was due on September 11. She was born sleeping a little over a year ago on May 16, 2012 weighing 10oz and 10 inches long. She had my arched eyebrows and lips, her daddy’s cheekbones and chin and my father in law’s ears (sort of big and a little long). She loved music and the sound of her daddy’s voice. My husband would lay beside me and talk to my belly, she would move in the direction of his voice. At night I would use my husband as a body pillow and Jamie was most active then, kicking daddy’s back all day. We had Jamie’s name picked out meaning strong and her middle name, Denise, was in memorial of my husband’s sister. Her passing was a shocker to us all but not a day goes by that my husband and I don’t miss her and talk about her.

Thank you to Jamie’s Mom, who so bravely shared her story with us today. Jamie definitely sounds like a Daddy’s girl. What a sweet, special little baby. I can tell her Mommy is very proud of her. I look forward to meeting baby Jamie in heaven one day.

If you would like to share your baby’s story, just e-mail me at bethanysk55@yahoo.com  You can share whatever you want about your baby, and you don’t have to include your name if you don’t want to. Also, I think your baby is just as important if you lost him/her at 6 weeks or at 40 weeks. Even if you never knew the sex of your baby, you might have had names picked out, a due date and lots of hopes and dreams for that child. All of that is important and is welcome here.