I’ve heard many people say, “Don’t worry, God won’t give you more than you can handle.” But I’ve learned from my experiences that He does. Watching my daughter die in my womb is more than I can handle. Over and over again I come to the end of my rope and that’s when I look to Him. That’s when I learn to trust Him, to lay my burden on Him, and He carries it for me. There’s nothing too big or terrible for my God to handle, but ME? I am powerless without Him. This is one of the great lessons of life I have learned from my Lucy.
I would say the majority of my days I still (even after 4 months) feel like a dead person going through the motions of life. I feel gutted. It’s so hard to care about the petty things in life. Actually, compared to losing a child, almost everything seems petty. A lot of times I look ahead at my life and I try to imagine living with this suffering for the rest of my years. It feels impossible because I’m dead inside. How can I go on living? But I’ve realized what a dangerous and misleading thing this is. A feeling of hopelessness lays heavy on me when I project the way I am feeing today onto all of my future days. One day God will breathe life back into me. My heart will heal, and I will feel joy again. God has promised it. After all, He is the God who raises the dead.
2 Corinthians 1:8,9 For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.
Oh, Bethany… I so agree! I have long thought that that statement sounds good but is SO faulty! If we could handle it ourselves, we wouldn’t need HIM! Trusting in the truth of Psalms 147:3.
This made me think of Psalm 81:6, 7: (God) says, ” I removed the burden from their shoulders. Their hands were set free from the (brick load.) In your distress you called and I rescued you… Like the sunrise, it will come.
One time when Stephen and I were talking about him getting lymphoma he said at first he used to wonder how in the world Romans 8:28 was supposed to be right. How was having cancer supposed to work for the good? But he’s used that experience to talk to people about dealing with cancer. We never know why things happen the way they do or how God can possibly use those things for good, but He does somehow…
Christians often misquote scripture (I believe they are referring to 1 Cor. 10:13 in which God assures us we will not be TEMPTED beyond what we can handle)… there is no place in the Bible that says God won’t give you more than you can handle. The death of a child is hands down MORE than we can handle. Sickness and death… sin… it’s all more than we can handle, but HE is there to hold us up and show His strength during such times (even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time).
Bethany, your words are so familiar to my heart. I know what you are feeling, and it is a painful, joyless place to be. But He is faithful. Praying God will restore hope in your heart, and that joy would not be absent from your home.
I am unsure of how I have stumbled across your blog tonight as I wasn’t searching for anything. I too have my own grief of losing my babies. I lost twin girls at 20 weeks on March 21, 2004. My life has been hard since that fateful day. I have been given two beautiful children since then, but nothing has replaced the longing in my heart for my babies. I was an extremely private person, internalizing it all, but over the last month, have begun to write my own blog and I have felt an overwhelming sense of release. I have reformed my relationship with God and I believe He has led me to you. Your words are like reading my own. I know how hard your life is at this very moment and I am so very sorry for what you are going through. There are no words that I can say to heal your heart or your mind, but maybe reading my blog will let you know that you are not crazy. You have your faith and that is amazing. I did not hold on to mine. I worry that more women than not go through this and lose their faith, so to hear your resounding love for Jesus no matter the trial, is so compelling. Please, if there is anything I can do for you, I would love to help. Michelle firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.mendedsoul.blogspot.com
PS, Lucy is stunning. I am so grateful to you for sharing her photo with us. I was not able to get photos of my girls and that has been the hardest part of it all these years.
I am so sorry you lost your baby girls. It is the worst pain in the world. I can see how it would be easy to lose your faith going through a trial this hard. Some days it’s all I can do to just cling to God. Some days I just yell at Him. He is always faithful though, thank goodness. I look forward to reading your blog, especially coming from someone who is that far out from their loss. Most baby loss blogs start right after the Mom loses her baby (like mine.) I think it will be very helpful to see how the grief looks after several years. I’m so sorry you didn’t get any pictures of your girls. I always think the organization, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep should photograph younger babies like our girls as well. They only take photos if you lose your baby after 25 weeks. One day you will be with your girls for eternity and you will never think of those photos again.