Ever since losing Jude, right after Lucy’s due date, I have felt spiritually tired. It is so true that hope deferred makes the heart sick. I realized the other night that I have almost completely stopped asking God for another baby. I feel hope waning. I used to think, “I wonder when God is going to give me my next baby?” Now I catch myself thinking, “I wonder when God is going to take my next baby?” The shift happened subconsciously, and it kind of took me by surprise.
Liam, of all people, helped me see my current spiritual apathy. I try to pray with him before bed and I always ask him what he wants to pray about. Every night he says he wants to pray that God would give him a real race car that he can drive when he turns five. Poor thing, he thinks everything he’s ever wanted to do is going to magically happen when he turns five. Anyway, this past week Liam has suddenly changed his nightly prayer. Now, every night when I ask what he wants to pray about he says, “I want to ask God for two lines.” He wants God to give his Mommy two lines on her pregnancy test.
I PROMISE I don’t always go around talking about trying to get pregnant or moping constantly about getting another baby. If anything, I avoid the topic around my boys whenever possible. Even right after I found out I was pregnant with Jude, Liam asked randomly if I had a baby in my belly and luckily, I was able to distract him and change the subject. My boys never knew about Jude (they will when they’re older.) A few months ago Liam found one of my pregnancy tests on the counter and asked what it was. I tried my best to change the subject, but he persisted, so I explained what it was. I haven’t mentioned it again, so it’s weird that he is suddenly bringing it up now. But wow, is he persistent! Every night we now pray for two lines. A couple nights ago I even asked, “What about that race car that you wanted?” And he said, “No. I want two lines.” Sometimes he interrupts me in the middle of the day to ask if we can pray for two lines. Liam has faith that God will do what we ask and his pure, unconditional faith in God has shamed me. I wish I had the faith of a child.
Sometimes I see people who only want two kids and I’m jealous because I wish I could feel that closure, that completeness in my family. I wish I only wanted two kids. But I think God has more for me. I think He doesn’t just want the safe way for me right now. I have asked if He wants me to just rest with my two. He could satisfy me with two kids or five kids or no kids. But He has whispered, “Let me redeem it.” He’s holding out His hand, just like He did when Lucy was dying inside of me. He’s asking me to come with Him on this journey and to trust Him with whatever He wants to give me. I am going to follow Him and pray boldly for two lines, just like He wants me to, just like my little Liam.
The Parable of the Persistent Widow
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’
“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”