We found out on Lucy’s due date that we were pregnant with baby number four and we were so thrilled. I actually had an appetite for the first time since losing Lucy and it was glorious. I ate everything I wanted and the food actually tasted GOOD. I forgot that food can taste good. I also felt my “pregnancy heartbeat”. Every time I’m pregnant one of the first symptoms I notice is my heartbeat getting weirdly loud and strong, like my heart is working really hard (which it is.) Actually, I knew I was pregnant with Asher long before I took the test because my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears. I felt my heartbeat change to that weird pregnancy boom boom boom in my chest and I knew I was pregnant. Anyway, the pregnancy test showed a faint positive so I took another test the next day and it was a darker positive and the next day the line was even darker. I was so excited to finally get my rainbow baby (a baby that comes after a pregnancy loss, the hope after the storm.) On Lucy’s due date I put this “Big Brother in Charge” shirt on Asher to celebrate Lucy, because she made Asher a big brother, even if no one recognizes it. It was also to celebrate our new baby who would be Asher’s baby sister or brother here on earth.
Four or five days after our first positive pregnancy test I took another test and realized the test result line wasn’t any darker than the last one. I knew this was a bad sign because with all three of my previous pregnancies the test line got darker and darker every day, never lighter. The next day I noticed my appetite was completely gone so I took another test and it was a VERY faint pink line. That day I realized that my heartbeat felt normal. Later, my OB confirmed with a blood test that I was having an early miscarriage. Josh and I are so sad. We loved this baby so much already. Now it seems extra cruel that we found out we were pregnant on Lucy’s due date.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our hearts are sick because our hopes for another baby have been deferred yet again. My OB reminded me that this miscarriage has nothing to do with the anti-kell antibodies that killed Lucy. Anti-kell antibodies can only affect the baby in the second or third trimester, never the first. This is a very common thing that happens, some doctors say over 50% of all pregnancies end in an early miscarriage. I knew that the second and third trimester would be very risky, but for some reason I thought I could relax for the first trimester. Sadly, no one is exempt from the normal first trimester risks that come with every pregnancy.
When I found out I was pregnant I immediately started to worry that I would lose the baby, like Lucy. I repeatedly envisioned myself holding this tiny baby in the palm of my hand. I held my baby up to God and unclenched my fist and told Him that the baby was His and I trusted Him with my baby. I also asked God to protect our hearts from being wounded again so deeply like we have been through the loss of our Lucy. I told God that if this baby was going to die in the second or third trimester, then I just wanted Him to take the baby now. He did, and I trust Him and I’m thankful that He did protect our hearts. We are hurting, but for us, it’s nothing like going through a stillbirth. We also know that our baby is safe and happy in paradise with God and with his or her big sister, Lucy. I now have two in heaven and two on earth and I’m glad that all of my children have a sibling with them. Yesterday as I watched Liam and Asher wrestle and play with each other I imagined Lucy and her new brother or sister doing the same thing in heaven and it made me happy.
This baby is no less important and special than Liam, Asher or Lucy. We have named the baby Jude because we think every baby deserves a name, no matter how long he or she was with us. I always liked Jude for a boy or a girl and it means “praise.” It’s a reminder of our commitment to praise God, even in our darkest moments. I know I’ve shared it before, but one of my favorite verses is:
Job 13:15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.
And not only will we trust Him, but we will praise Him too. We praise Him for this beautiful new life that He created in me and we praise Him for who He is. God doesn’t change with our circumstances. He is good and He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He had all of baby Jude’s days written down in His book, even if his or her life was only a few short days or weeks in my womb. We praise Him for giving up His own son so that we can meet our baby Jude in heaven one day. Please pray for us as we mourn the loss of baby Jude even as we continue to mourn Lucy. Also pray that we will get to keep the next baby with us here on earth, healthy and safe in our arms.
Psalm 42:5 Why, my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.