Losing Our Rainbow Baby

We found out on Lucy’s due date that we were pregnant with baby number four and we were so thrilled. I actually had an appetite for the first time since losing Lucy and it was glorious. I ate everything I wanted and the food actually tasted GOOD. I forgot that food can taste good. I also felt my “pregnancy heartbeat”. Every time I’m pregnant one of the first symptoms I notice is my heartbeat getting weirdly loud and strong, like my heart is working really hard (which it is.) Actually, I knew I was pregnant with Asher long before I took the test because my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears. I felt my heartbeat change to that weird pregnancy boom boom boom in my chest and I knew I was pregnant. Anyway, the pregnancy test showed a faint positive so I took another test the next day and it was a darker positive and the next day the line was even darker. I was so excited to finally get my rainbow baby (a baby that comes after a pregnancy loss, the hope after the storm.) On Lucy’s due date I put this “Big Brother in Charge” shirt on Asher to celebrate Lucy, because she made Asher a big brother, even if no one recognizes it. It was also to celebrate our new baby who would be Asher’s baby sister or brother here on earth.

(Yes, that's a giant shoe behind him)

(Yes, that’s a giant shoe behind him)

Four or five days after our first positive pregnancy test I took another test and realized the test result line wasn’t any darker than the last one. I knew this was a bad sign because with all three of my previous pregnancies the test line got darker and darker every day, never lighter. The next day I noticed my appetite was completely gone so I took another test and it was a VERY faint pink line. That day I realized that my heartbeat felt normal. Later, my OB confirmed with a blood test that I was having an early miscarriage. Josh and I are so sad. We loved this baby so much already. Now it seems extra cruel that we found out we were pregnant on Lucy’s due date.

Proverbs 13:12  Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Our hearts are sick because our hopes for another baby have been deferred yet again. My OB reminded me that this miscarriage has nothing to do with the anti-kell antibodies that killed Lucy. Anti-kell antibodies can only affect the baby in the second or third trimester, never the first. This is a very common thing that happens, some doctors say over 50% of all pregnancies end in an early miscarriage. I knew that the second and third trimester would be very risky, but for some reason I thought I could relax for the first trimester. Sadly, no one is exempt from the normal first trimester risks that come with every pregnancy.

When I found out I was pregnant I immediately started to worry that I would lose the baby, like Lucy. I repeatedly envisioned myself holding this tiny baby in the palm of my hand. I held my baby up to God and unclenched my fist and told Him that the baby was His and I trusted Him with my baby. I also asked God to protect our hearts from being wounded again so deeply like we have been through the loss of our Lucy. I told God that if this baby was going to die in the second or third trimester, then I just wanted Him to take the baby now. He did, and I trust Him and I’m thankful that He did protect our hearts. We are hurting, but for us, it’s nothing like going through a stillbirth. We also know that our baby is safe and happy in paradise with God and with his or her big sister, Lucy. I now have two in heaven and two on earth and I’m glad that all of my children have a sibling with them. Yesterday as I watched Liam and Asher wrestle and play with each other I imagined Lucy and her new brother or sister doing the same thing in heaven and it made me happy.

This baby is no less important and special than Liam, Asher or Lucy. We have named the baby Jude because we think every baby deserves a name, no matter how long he or she was with us. I always liked Jude for a boy or a girl and it means “praise.” It’s a reminder of our commitment to praise God, even in our darkest moments. I know I’ve shared it before, but one of my favorite verses is:

Job 13:15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

And not only will we trust Him, but we will praise Him too. We praise Him for this beautiful new life that He created in me and we praise Him for who He is. God doesn’t change with our circumstances. He is good and He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He had all of baby Jude’s days written down in His book, even if his or her life was only a few short days or weeks in my womb. We praise Him for giving up His own son so that we can meet our baby Jude in heaven one day. Please pray for us as we mourn the loss of baby Jude even as we continue to mourn Lucy. Also pray that we will get to keep the next baby with us here on earth, healthy and safe in our arms.

Psalm 42:5  Why, my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

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16 thoughts on “Losing Our Rainbow Baby

  1. Oh, Bethany, I’m so terribly sorry. My heart continues to hurt for you as you walk along this dark and difficult path. Still praying. As always, if there is anything at all that I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

  2. Even though Jude was not here on earth very long, he or she will live forever in heaven and will always be a part of our family. We love Baby Jude, and we love you and are praying for you. I am sorry for your grief. We are grieving with you. Mom

  3. Dear Josh and Bethany:
    Although everyone has their own pain during loss, Randy and I share that pain with you. Our oldest son, Randall was born with a heart defect. He had several open heart surgeries and several other health issues. He suffered a lot and 7 months later he went home. We were devastated but I had always told Randall if he ever got tired I would let him go. On August 5, 1985, he told me he was tired through the look in his eyes. A few months later we decided to try again to get pregnant. It took a little while. And right after I got pregnant, I started bleeding and the doctor said I was having a miscarriage. I trusted God. A few weeks later I went back to the doctor and and he said I was pregnant again. I said, no I was pregnant still. I knew there was no way I could be pregnant again. So I had to be pregnant still. Which meant I didn’t miscarry? It took a while but it was finally determined that I had been carrying twins and had miscarried one of them. My cervix was open and during my pregnancy I was told to abort the baby because if I didn’t I would never be able to have another. I prayed. I trusted God. A very long story short, we had our son, Bradley. He is healthy, and smart, and 26 years old now. We also have another son, Mikey. And all of this when Randy was not supposed to be able to father children.
    I tell you this because you both know that God knows what He is doing. And although we have had pain, we’ve also had joy. Keep praying and I will too.
    Love to you all.
    Vicky

  4. Bethany,
    I’m so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for your family. Reading this brought so many tears to my eyes. We are debating TTC again, since losing our Aubrey Rose (two months ago today), and I’m just so afraid of what could happen. I know that your Rainbow baby is coming, I can feel it in my bones. The Lord promises so many beautiful things to His faithful people.

    Much Love,
    Sarah

  5. I am thinking about you and praying for you every day. What a glorious family you are going to have in heaven! But I know God will bless you with your family here on earth too. I am praying for it to be soon that you get to hold a baby here and for your comfort and peace in the meantime.

  6. Bethany, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby Jude. I think about your family often since we lost our little girls within a week of each other. Praying that God gives you strength to keep trusting him even when it is so hard. It is an encouragement to see you keep pressing on through the immense pain you are walking through.

  7. You will get to hold baby Lucy and baby Jude snug and tightly in your arms again one day, as I will too get to hold my children that I have lost when we all get to heaven 🙂

  8. It is comforting to read your post, and know that I’m not the only one grieving the loss of an angel baby, I’m going through my second mc in a row, I’m a mom of 2 angel baby’s but I so hope for a rainbow baby to come…… seeing my doctor tomorrow and hoping we can get some test done to see if can improve our chances but I know many people never know why of the mc
    love

  9. Right now I am pregnant with my sweet rainbow baby.
    My husband and I have wanted children since before we were married. We’ve never used birth control and almost immediately I was pregnant. All along I had horrible pain all over my abdomen and I was so sick all the time. Still, I already adored our baby. We both did. Every moment of my first pregnancy was tough, but I thought we could hold on. Jezebel Shiloh was stillborn on November 27, 2012. My husband is the only reason I am alive. Depression is a very real thing, and it almost took me over.
    In January, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were so excited. We spent the whole night talking to our baby and reading the little Bible story book we had bought for Shiloh. On January 15th, I started cramping and bleeding heavily. By the 17th, our little one who we have named Samuel Allen, was gone.
    In February, I came up positive once more. We were very happy, but so very scared. With this little one, I was so weak I couldn’t get up and would shiver constantly no matter how bundled I was. We prayed every night earnestly for our baby girl. We decided to wait a little while to tell everyone, just in case something happened and we lost her. We had planned on telling the family on Fathers Day. We even wrote a cute little “letter from baby” for my father in law.
    I had a four day long violent miscarriage which nearly took my life. It ended the day before Fathers Day. Our little Eleanor Sapphira, “Elesaph”, went to be with our Lord and her brother and sister.
    We just found out that we are expecting our fourth child. This time, there is no dread, only joy, and that in and of itself is terrifying. Every time I open my Bible, it is as if God is telling me it will be alright. This time, we’ll make it. Now it’s finally time.
    I miss Shiloh, Sammie, and Ellie every moment of every day, but I finally have peace knowing that our Lord will provide.
    Our son’s name is Seth Ranger. My rainbow baby named for Eve’s son after losing Abel to death and Cain to his curse.
    You are not alone, but I know personally it feels like you are. Hold onto the little ones here to hold, and never forget the little angels you will one day meet. Talk to The Lord. He’s the best therapist there is. The sun will shine again, even brighter and warmer than before.

    • Wow, you have been through so much suffering. I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you are getting your baby Seth! I hope I will have a healthy rainbow baby too one day. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story. You are a strong Mama.

  10. So sorry for the loss. I can deeply understand. God will send the right baby to you all. I sound kinda different than I normally am and I came across your story and it was perfect timing for me. Thank you for sharing:)

  11. Thankyou for sharing this story & your faith.
    My husband will be 50 & I 40 in October. Last march we became pregnant with our first shared child together a little girl. We went through a high risk pregnancy for me, our daughter was healthy through out my pregnancy but my health was a different story. On November 15, 2013 at 8:12pm we welcomed Hailey Grace into the world via c section. She received a 9 out of 10 apgar score born @ 38 wks gestation she was a healthy 6lbs & 15oz & 19 1/2 long. Nothing could prepare me for what came next. Just 5 hours & 31 min after her birth on 11/16/13 @ 1:45 am drs pronounced her dead she passed away in my arms after I nursed her. My husband & I have always had a strong faith in God but the grief we feel doesn’t seem to lessen only increase leaving us to question where God is in all of this. They’ve given us no answers as to why she died which is only making this harder. Nothing will ever take our daughters place but we keep holding out ridiculous hope for a rainbow baby as sign that God hasn’t left us in our time of sorrow. But given our ages & our ever increasing grief, that hope is beginning to slowly fade leaving me to only feel bitter rather than better. I only hope one day God will give us some comfort in place of our pain. Ty for sharing your story it touched me. And am sorry for your loss. ❤

    • Oh, I am so sorry that you lost your Hailey Grace. I cannot believe that they still don’t know what happened?! It is heartbreaking. I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that she was completely healthy, full term and with an apgar score of 9, but still passed away. I am so sorry.

      The first few months after we lost Lucy were extremely painful and are kind of a blur now, but it got worse when the “shock” wore off. I think it was 3 or 4 months afterwards that I realized the grief was only getting worse. I think that is normal- I have heard other baby loss parents say the same thing. And I also felt very bitter and angry towards God (I still do sometimes.) At first I felt like I had to bottle it up and not let God know how I was feeling towards Him, but slowly I realized that it was only putting distance between us. He knows hoe we feel anyway. He wants a close relationship with us, which means we can be real with Him. Anyway, it was helpful for me to tell God exactly how I felt, that I was angry and disappointed and afraid to trust Him. And I asked Him to open my eyes to see the truth, how He really felt about me. And one consistent thing He has shown me is that He is the God of hope. I do not think it is ridiculous for you to hope for a rainbow baby! I think God wants you to hope and He wants you to ask Him for the things you want. Give yourself permission to hope. I promise, your grief will not always feel this suffocating. I will be praying that God blesses you with hope, healing, joy and a rainbow baby soon.

  12. Pingback: Waiting For Our Baby S | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope

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