Grieving the loss of my child has been the hardest and strangest experience of my life. I read on another blog that the woman felt like she lost the whole year after her son died. She said it was a year lost to grief. That is how I feel most of the time, like I’m walking around in a fog. I don’t feel the passing of the seasons or the weather. I don’t feel the excitement of the next holiday coming up. When I think about 2013 all I think about is losing Lucy and Jude and the overwhelming grief. It is very hard to care about or even notice things around me, even important things around me.
I feel like I’m standing in my yard and my house is on fire and there might be someone inside. Truly imagine how you would feel if you were in your front yard watching the flames devour your house and you thought someone was still trapped inside. It’s a frantic, urgent moment and the emergency that’s happening takes all of your concentration. All of your emotions and your adrenaline and your thoughts are on the person inside and how to get them out and the house is on fire!!!! Now, imagine someone coming up to you and asking if you paid the power bill yesterday. Who cares? The house is on fire! You forgot to schedule Liam’s check up at the dentist. What? Who cares? The house is on fire! They keep tapping you on the shoulder, “That was quite a storm last night, wasn’t it?” Are you kidding me? The house is on fire!
That’s how I feel most of the time. I feel like mourning and dealing with my losses takes all of my energy, my emotions, my focus. It truly takes a huge amount of focus and mental power to not just break down every hour in a mess of howling tears. Tuning out my grief and my loss to deal with everyday life is like trying to tune out that burning house and that trapped person yelling for help. It is so hard to care about the laundry or the weather or Liam’s dentist appointment, because honestly, none of it matters when you compare it to the fact that your baby girl is dead. The baffling thing is that even the very important things are hard to care about; things like relationships and feeding my kids and having enough income and eating food every day. Some days I realize I have gone the whole day without looking my children in the eyes. How pathetic is that?
This is how grieving feels for me now. I desperately hope that one day the fire will be put out and I can turn my attention away from the disaster and I can live life again.
Bethany, as you know, I’ve said this to you before. I really and truly feel that your grief will not always be this intense. Yes – you will always miss Lucy and Jude. Yes – there will always be a hole in your heart. Yes – you will think about them until the day you die. However, I honestly feel in my heart of hearts that the pain will lessen and ease over time. I pray frequently that God will hurry up and bring you peace. That He will hurry up and bring you to the place where it is a bit easier. In the meantime, my heart still hurts for you and I’m still praying.
Thank you, Tina! And you are right, even this intense pain I feel is much, much easier to bear now than it was right at the beginning. I do see healing happening. It’s happening SLOWLY, but it’s happening.
It will get better, I know it. You just keep doing only what you can handle each day and allowing God to carry you. You are always in my prayers and are helping me so much in my own loss. You are doing fine. Someday soon you will feel good again. I’m glad Lucy and Luke don’t have to hurt like we do.