Those who suffer loss live suspended between a past for which they long and a future for which they hope. -Jerry Sittser
It has been six months since I lost my baby girl. It has been six months since I lost my hopes for a big family and normal pregnancies. Half a year. I miss Lucy so much. I miss my old self a lot too. This has been the hardest, strangest and by far, the worst six months of my life. I still cry for Lucy every day. Sometimes I cry for her every hour. I feel like the rest of my life and the world has been put on hold while I try to heal. I do feel suspended between the past that I long for and the future that I hope for. It is a weird and very unsettling place to be. But I know that God is here with me.
I feel like my faith in God has been challenged like never before and it remains strong, but I don’t see Him the same way I saw Him before this. He remains the same, but my views of Him have been changed forever. It is hard to be in so much pain and to know that God could remove it with a word, but He doesn’t. I know He doesn’t because it is best for me, but it’s hard. I feel like I have a deeper and much more authentic relationship with Him. I know now that He is not “safe” and He is not predictable and my thoughts are so very, very far from His thoughts. My plans are very different from His plans, and His plans will prevail. In the end, His plans are much, much better than mine. I am learning to trust Him when I don’t feel like it and I’m learning that my feelings are changing and fleeting. I’m learning that my love for Him is real and deep and forever.
God is healing me, but it is much, much slower than I thought. I know that my heart aches for Lucy and for Jude, so where I am now in my healing process is probably not the same place I would be if I had only lost one baby. I read about many women who still have such deep pain from their losses years afterwards and now I am seeing that it is true. I know I will only be completely healed in heaven. TIme makes it easier, but time does not heal all wounds. Maybe I need more time. I would love to be wrong about this.
Getting through these six months has been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I am now six months closer to a pain free heaven and to Lucy and Jude and to my God. I am six months closer to healing and to my future here on earth that I hope for. I am also very aware that I could be six months closer to my next loss and I am accepting that. God is with me wherever I am and He will be enough.