This is hard for me to write. I had to gather all of my emotional energy just to sit down and write this post. We are losing another baby to a very early miscarriage. This is our third loss in eight months. We are disheartened and discouraged and just so tired. These last two early losses are totally unrelated to anti-kell antibodies, so this seems bizarre to me. I’ve never had any problems conceiving or having healthy pregnancies before losing Lucy. We are trying to figure out what has changed since then to cause these early losses. We are wondering if it’s something hormonal (stress/anxiety or low progesterone?) and are looking into it. Please pray that we figure out what is going on.
This pregnancy was a bit different for me because right from the beginning I said to God, “Thank you for this new life, do what you want with it. Whether this pregnancy progresses is up to you and I’m giving it totally over to you.” Honestly, I didn’t let myself get too excited (which is sad in a way) because I knew anything could happen. I didn’t expect to have a screaming baby in my arms next June. I just gave it over to God again and again and He has allowed us to face another loss. I still trust Him, but I am so very tired of all the loss and hurt. I know one day He will do something wonderful with it, but it sure is taking a long time. I just have to trust.
When I was in the hospital after losing Lucy I had a very vivid dream that I felt was from God. I had a perfect rose in my hand and it was in bloom. It was beautiful, but it had been uprooted. I knew that if I didn’t plant it in the dirt, it would die. I was digging frantically and trying to force it into the ground, but it wouldn’t work. I knew even in the dream that the rose symbolized Lucy. I wanted to keep the rose alive so badly, but I couldn’t. Next to me, lying on the ground, were two more roses, uprooted. They were waiting for me to try to plant them in the dirt. Just then a huge dragon-bird creature came flying at me. It’s claws were stretched out in front of it and it looked terrifying. It swooped down and snatched my precious rose out of my hands and flew off into the sky with it. I was devastated. I woke up drenched with sweat and breast milk (that’s when I realized my milk had come in.) I was so scared and told Josh about the dream and said, “What if those other two roses are our next two babies? What if that means we’re going to lose two more babies?” He tried to be optimistic and suggested that maybe the two roses signified two more healthy babies or they were for Liam and Asher. I had the strong feeling that it meant we would lose two more babies. Here we are, eight months later, with two more lost babies.
A few weeks after losing Lucy I decided to try to figure out what the dragon bird was. It kept coming to my mind and it seemed confusing because I knew God didn’t let some terrifying beast come take Lucy. I googled it and guess what it was?
It was a phoenix.
It looked just like this in my dream. The phoenix is a mythological bird that lives for a long time and then bursts into flames and burns. Out of the ashes, the phoenix is reborn and restored to life. The phoenix symbolizes regeneration, rebirth and new life. Some say it symbolizes the victory of life over death. Life from the ashes. How sweet that God would send me that dream to tell me that even though I couldn’t plant my rose here on earth, He would take it and restore it to life by planting it in heaven. My roses are alive and blooming, and they are planted right where they are supposed to be. I only hope that as the dream showed, only three babies of mine won’t be able to bloom here on earth.
Please pray that we don’t lose any more babies. Please pray that we don’t lose hope. God promised me that He would redeem it, so I will cling to that promise with all I’ve got.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
Losing Lucy and Finding Hope 
Bethany, I’m so extremely sorry. My heart breaks again for you, and Josh, and the boys. Crying and praying that God will sustain you all. Thinking of you often.
Thank you so much Rachel. I hope you’re soaking up every minute with your rainbow baby. He’s so cute
Oh, Bethany. I wish this wasn’t so. I am so sorry for another heartbreak. I will be praying God will sustain you and Josh through this.
I have a good friend who had multiple early losses and it was indeed due to low progesterone… she had a forward thinking doctor proscribe her with daily injection of progesterone in her 1st trimesters and she had 2 healthy babies as a result. And as we age, our bodies do change… maybe this is the answer, maybe not.
I understand right now all you can feel is how much your heart hurts and this seems like a nightmare. I pray God, the Great Healer and binder of wounds, will bless you with a miracle!
Thank you Beth, that story gives me hope!
I am amazed by your vivid dreams. I think that God has definitely given you the gift of prophecy. I think it is extremely comforting that you saw 3 roses. I love that the scary dragon-bird turned out to be something positive in the Phoenix and all that that means. What beautiful and powerful symbolism. I think that means you are now done with losses. Three is so hard and you already know I am fully grieving with you, but I think it is now time for God to redeem it. I like what Beth said about the progesterone shots. Maybe all that your body went through for Lucy threw off your levels a bit and something simple like that can correct it and set you up for your next healthy pregnancy. I have been praying for your doctor to have good insight and to be extra kind and diligent in helping you get any information you may need. Some people go 8 months with zero pregnancies, so your body is continuing to prove its fertileness. I have been so sad with you, but I am totally comforted by hearing of this dream. I think this is the end of the loss and the beginning of the redemption. I have renewed and continuing hope for you.
Thank you, friend. I am so blessed to be able to conceive, now I just have to figure out how to keep them alive!
I am so very sorry for your loss, Bethany. You guys have been through so much, my heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Thank you Christie!
oh bethany….i am aching for you. i will be praying that the Lord will fill your heart with Himself and will soon fulfill the desire of your heart for more children to raise here on earth. i know there are no words besides those of God that will do any real comforting in the midst of your pain, but know that your lamentions are worshipful and pleasing to God. He IS a God in the business of redemption, and i have full confidence that He most definitely will redeem this. in the mean time, He “bottles your tears”: http://oliverandkatiethompson.blogspot.com/2012/04/he-bottles-our-tears.html
i will also pray that you will find answers medically as to the possible reason for your most recent losses. i had a lot of tests done after losing levi, and was found to have an MTHFR mutation (i believe it’s tested if you have been tested for clotting disorders). MTHFR mutations havent’ been studied a whole lot. some doctors take them very seriously and others don’t. but basically any clotting disorder can cause increased miscarriages and stillbirths, along with other things. ANYway, i just wanted to mention that for when you are ready to move forward with figuring things out medically.
sending hugs.
i thought i would also leave a link to this post from my blog b/c of the song in it… hope it encourages your heart and helps you to expel even a small portion of your pain: http://oliverandkatiethompson.blogspot.com/2012/04/still-breathing.html
I loved that post so much, it echoed my feelings exactly. It was beautiful and so honest. It’s still amazing how similar our stories are. How amazing that you wrote about the phoenix and I dreamed about the phoenix. It’s also amazing that you named your daughter Nora and that’s what Josh really wants to name our daughter, if we ever get to have one on earth. Your story gives me a lot of hope
My heart hurts for you, Bethany! It’s just like the Lord to bring comfort through a dream. 🙂 Praying for continued hope and comfort!
Thank you, Cyndi!
I’m so sorry – to lose another baby after Jude and Lucy must feel like the worst thing possible. the physical pain of an early loss is hard enough. There are no words right now that bring comfort, but know that today, I prayed for you. Oct. 6th is my Felicity’s 5th birthday in Heaven. It’s been a hard couple of days. Harder than last year, which seems odd, but it is. Praying you have gentle souls around you to bring you some comfort and that you can see hope for the future still.
I’m so sorry you lost your Felicity five years ago today. You will get to have her for eternity soon. It is so hard to lose another baby. I keep trying to figure out what God is doing, because He sure isn’t doing it the way I would do it. I guess that’s why He’s God and I’m not.
sweet Bethany I’m so so sorry. It’s just not fair.
So much love to you dear friend. You are so so so loved.
Thank you so much, Melody. It’s nice to be reminded that I am loved. It’s easy to forget when dealing with so much pain
I am so very very sorry. Prayers for peace, love and continued awareness of His Presence and loving purpose. You are and always will be in His gentle hands. Contrary to Hope in Hope believe 🙂 Love you! Romans 4
You who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfot me on every side.
When I thought how to understand this, It was too painful for me. Thus my heart was grieved and I was vexed in my mind. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory, Whom have I in heaven but You? and there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I cried out to God with my voice-to God with my voice and He gave ear to me. In the day of my touble I sought the Lord my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God and was troubled; I complained and my spirit was overwhelemed. You hold my eyelids open I am so troubled that I cannot speak…. And I said “This is my anguish; But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High. Ps71-77
I love those verses. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
You are an example and a joy to many and my friend. Thank you so much for opening up your life and emotions to be lessons of love and hope for so many even before you can feel those emotions yourself. I love you big sister.
Thank you little brother! I love you too
Sweet Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your faith is still unbroken, and that is such an inspiration for me, personally. A dear friend of mine told me the other day that she doesn’t understand how I still have my faith after everything we’ve been through. You are part of the reason I’m able to keep that faith alive. Praying for you, always.
Thank you so much, Sarah. That encourages me so much. Honestly, one of the few things that makes me happy these days is when I can encourage another Mom who has lost her baby. Praying for you!
By the way, Sarah, how do I get to your blog? It says it’s private. Is that new?
Bethany,
I haven’t visited your blog in a while, so when I did, I was so disappointed that you’ve experienced another early loss. I’m so sorry! I will be praying for you! You are absolutely right. God will redeem these losses. I lost my Jacob at 25 weeks last June. We conceived again 4.5 months later in October but lost that child at 6 weeks. The next three months were such a dark and challenging time for me. I was emotionally spent and now physically worn out. In January, I sat down with my bible and began looking for verses on restoration. Of the verses listed, Nahum 2:2 caught my attention. I could only see a portion of it and it said….The Lord will restore ….and that was all. So I flipped to the actual verse and the remainder said….the splendor of Jacob!!! I was floored! I felt instantly that God was promising me another child. That is the only thing that could restore the splendor of Jacob. Six more months passed and Jacobs first birthday before I felt peace about trying again. I held on to that promise and God said yes…….TWICE!!! I am 19 weeks with twin boys. They were conceived naturally our first month trying. I ovulated on what would’ve been the due date for the child we lost in October. I have cried so many tears at the beauty God is raising out of the ashes of loss. We still have a ways to go getting these little ones here safe and sound, but as you say…..He who promised is faithful. I know how hard it is but hold on. I believe the God of the universe is about to blow your doors off. I pray so!!!
Thank you, Hannah. Your story is such an encouragement to me. Congratulations on the twins! You are very blessed. I also felt like I had a very specific promise from God that he was going to give me another baby. I got the promise on March 19th, about a month after losing Lucy. When I found out I was pregnant on her due date I was thrilled. I was even more excited when I realized my due date was March 19th. I just knew God was going to let me keep that baby because he had promised. I lost the baby a few days later, and now a third baby. It has been very hard to hold on to God’s promises these past few months, but every time I pray about it he tells me to trust him with it all and to let him redeem it. Right now I’m in that horrible dark place that you were in after your 6 week loss. I would love for my story to end like yours. Thank you for the encouragement! I am praying for your boys right now.
Hi Bethany,
Thank you for the prayers!! I’m glad my journey was a bit of encouragement to you. I saw something in our local paper that may also be encouraging. I don’t get the paper on a daily basis. I just “happened” to be reading it at my moms work. Of all things, the story was about a couple who’s second son had Kell blood. I thought of you instantly. They discovered it at 20 weeks, and he made it! He received four transfusions in utero and one at birth. You obviously know much more about all this than I do, but I wanted to pass a positive story along. I saved the article, and I’d be happy to mail it to you. You can contact me through BabyCenter if so. My user name is Jdublove6712. I would’ve sent this message through BC but couldn’t find you to save my life. I think of you often and continue to pray for you!
Hey Hannah,
Thanks for sharing that story with me. It is always encouraging to hear stories about kell pregnancies with good outcomes. Actually, MOST women with antikell antibodies have healthy babies. Unfortunately, I’m the exception 😦 Hope your twins are growing and thriving!
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