This is hard for me to write. I had to gather all of my emotional energy just to sit down and write this post. We are losing another baby to a very early miscarriage. This is our third loss in eight months. We are disheartened and discouraged and just so tired. These last two early losses are totally unrelated to anti-kell antibodies, so this seems bizarre to me. I’ve never had any problems conceiving or having healthy pregnancies before losing Lucy. We are trying to figure out what has changed since then to cause these early losses. We are wondering if it’s something hormonal (stress/anxiety or low progesterone?) and are looking into it. Please pray that we figure out what is going on.
This pregnancy was a bit different for me because right from the beginning I said to God, “Thank you for this new life, do what you want with it. Whether this pregnancy progresses is up to you and I’m giving it totally over to you.” Honestly, I didn’t let myself get too excited (which is sad in a way) because I knew anything could happen. I didn’t expect to have a screaming baby in my arms next June. I just gave it over to God again and again and He has allowed us to face another loss. I still trust Him, but I am so very tired of all the loss and hurt. I know one day He will do something wonderful with it, but it sure is taking a long time. I just have to trust.
When I was in the hospital after losing Lucy I had a very vivid dream that I felt was from God. I had a perfect rose in my hand and it was in bloom. It was beautiful, but it had been uprooted. I knew that if I didn’t plant it in the dirt, it would die. I was digging frantically and trying to force it into the ground, but it wouldn’t work. I knew even in the dream that the rose symbolized Lucy. I wanted to keep the rose alive so badly, but I couldn’t. Next to me, lying on the ground, were two more roses, uprooted. They were waiting for me to try to plant them in the dirt. Just then a huge dragon-bird creature came flying at me. It’s claws were stretched out in front of it and it looked terrifying. It swooped down and snatched my precious rose out of my hands and flew off into the sky with it. I was devastated. I woke up drenched with sweat and breast milk (that’s when I realized my milk had come in.) I was so scared and told Josh about the dream and said, “What if those other two roses are our next two babies? What if that means we’re going to lose two more babies?” He tried to be optimistic and suggested that maybe the two roses signified two more healthy babies or they were for Liam and Asher. I had the strong feeling that it meant we would lose two more babies. Here we are, eight months later, with two more lost babies.
A few weeks after losing Lucy I decided to try to figure out what the dragon bird was. It kept coming to my mind and it seemed confusing because I knew God didn’t let some terrifying beast come take Lucy. I googled it and guess what it was?
It was a phoenix.
It looked just like this in my dream. The phoenix is a mythological bird that lives for a long time and then bursts into flames and burns. Out of the ashes, the phoenix is reborn and restored to life. The phoenix symbolizes regeneration, rebirth and new life. Some say it symbolizes the victory of life over death. Life from the ashes. How sweet that God would send me that dream to tell me that even though I couldn’t plant my rose here on earth, He would take it and restore it to life by planting it in heaven. My roses are alive and blooming, and they are planted right where they are supposed to be. I only hope that as the dream showed, only three babies of mine won’t be able to bloom here on earth.
Please pray that we don’t lose any more babies. Please pray that we don’t lose hope. God promised me that He would redeem it, so I will cling to that promise with all I’ve got.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.