Lately I have been feeling very discouraged, anxious and just disheartened. Lucy’s first birthday in heaven is approaching and there are some daunting events coming up in the next couple of months that seem impossible to get through. Every time I pictured Lucy’s first birthday during this past year, I always saw myself lighting the candle on her birthday cake or releasing her balloons to heaven with a big, round pregnant belly weighing me down. Or, if I didn’t have a big round belly, I at least thought I would be trying not to vomit from the morning sickness that always comes before the big belly. That’s not how her first birthday is going to be. There will be no promising hope of a baby for us. And yes, like I was writing about in my last post, I have been swamped by the waves in my life yet again and am having a hard time focusing on God.
My little sister is pregnant and being induced on Wednesday, exactly 11 months after Lucy died. I am so sad that I can’t be in the delivery room like I was when she gave birth to my niece Lily. I loved being there, it was one of my favorite days of my whole life. She has invited me to be there when little Shep is born, but I can’t emotionally handle it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to step foot on a labor and delivery floor for the rest of my life, unless I am having my own baby (or losing him, I guess.) Missing out on my nephew’s birth is a huge loss for me and I wish I could be there to support my sister, too. It is also really hard to come to terms with the fact that he will never play with his cousin Lucy, who would have only been about six months older than him, or his cousin Jude, who would have been two months younger than him.
I was just telling Josh earlier today that I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern. I feel like God has asked me to be in this dark place and to trust Him and to wait. But it feels like it has been so long, almost a whole year, and I am exhausted by the waiting and hoping. I have been trying not to live in the future, but right here where He has me and I have been trying to do what He wants me to do right now. Right now He doesn’t have a live baby for me. He has hardship and more aching and He has work for me here, in the darkness. He wants me to do hard things and to trust. I’m so ready for the blessings and I’m so tired of all the loss. Just this morning I wrote in my journal, “How long, Lord, must I wait for the morning to come?”
I have been busy today and have been doing a lot of my tasks through tears. I felt God saying, “Come sit down and talk to me.” And after several excuses, I reluctantly sat down to talk to Him and to listen. This is what my devotional (Jesus Calling) says today:
I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask my Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon me, to trust me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see my power and glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for my glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.
What a sweet God I have, to encourage me with those words. Yes, time is a trainer, and He is training me and strengthening me here in the darkness. These difficulties are setting the scene for His glorious intervention, and I can’t wait to see it. I will stay right here where He wants me and I will try to do my work well. I will trust Him to strengthen me through this waiting and to do far more than I ever imagined possible.
Isaiah 40:31 But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory…
Will pray for you specially tonight dear friend. I’m so sorry xxx
Bethany, I’m struggling in much the same way today, for very different reasons. I don’t have the same ache deep down in my bones that you do, but I feel l like I could be saying the same things. I forget the promises, what I really, deeply, truly believe, and instead feel mistreated by God. Today. Right now, even. I’ve been listening to my music collection on random, while doing something mindless on the computer, and Keven Prosch keeps coming up. I don’t know why. I’m certainly not in the mood for Kevin Prosch. Anyway, a moment ago I was listening to this one song and the words, “Though you slay me, I will trust You, Lord,” got my attention. As you say, sometimes God speaks to you even when it’s the last thing you’re looking for. http://grooveshark.com/s/Kiss+The+Son/3VqV4F?src=5
I’m sorry you are feeling the same way. It is often easy to feel “mistreated” by God, which of course is nothing but a lie from Satan, but it’s so easy to believe. I will be praying for you. I still want to get the boys together some time for a playdate. I love that song, by the way.
I read the same devotional this morning. I posted on Facebook how amazing it was that once again God had taken the moment to meet me right where I am. I needed to be reminded to trust him, even in the midst of sadness and uncertainty. Trusting him and surrendering my doubts and worry is a daily struggle. I’m so sorry for all of your loss and that things haven’t gone the way you hoped, but all is not lost. I am praying for you. I hope that this year God will bless you with a healthy, happy baby to take home.
Thank you so much. And it sounds like you and I have a lot of the same struggles. Doubts, worry and fear are a constant battle for me. Im thankful God is bigger than all of our fear and pain, though.
Bethany!! I love reading your posts…have learned so much and LOVE seeing God be everything he said he is!! I’m excited for your future and wish we could go meet at chikfila:)
Thanks, Sara! You are always such an encouragement to me. I hope your move went well and you had a good Christmas!
I also just posted a blog about this devotional. It was perfect and just wanted I needed to hear but in regards to Him setting the scene to show up and show out His power and glory. My cycles are getting longer and I have zero signs of ovulation…it appears my circumstances are getting more extreme but I must remember that the more extreme it looks, the more glory He gets in the end. So I wont dwell on the long cycles…it just gives Him more opportunities to work wonders 🙂
Praying for you!
Apparently this devotional spoke to a lot of us 🙂 I love your faith and I am praying for you. God will do what He says
I love to see the way God never fails to rescue you, Bethany! I am so blessed by your posts…Keep writing!! God is using you in tremendous ways!
Hi there… Sounds like we have a similar story. I had a “normal” pregnancy. Had a healthy baby boy the beginning of 2008. Fall 2009 found out I was pregnant only to find out the next week I miscarried. A year later was pregnant again. I thought for sure things would be fine this time…no way would I miscarry again. Well, I did at 10 weeks, but didn’t find out until 12 weeks. During that 3 rd pregnancy I found out that my husband was heterozygous for kell. I was so confused and thought it was made up! How in the world could this be happening. About 6-7 months later I got pregnant again. It was hard to get excited. I was, but was so scared to lose another baby. We found out through the amnio that my baby was kell positive and we needed to go to the hospital and get a fetal blood transfusion since she was very anemic. I believe I was 18 or 19 weeks along. It took the dr.’s 1 1/2 hours to complete the transfusions b/c the umbilical cord is so small at that gestational age. The Dr. Told me afterwards that if we would have waited a few more days before getting a transfusion she would have not made it. I began crying…. Losing a baby at any stage of the pregnancy is heartbreaking. So every three weeks I would have a fetal blood transfusion. We had a total of 7 and were induced at 37 weeks. It was a crazy pregnancy but I would do it all over again if I had to. We decided though to be done after that. Just wanted to let you know that it is possible to have a kell baby. God will get you through it. Praying for you and your family. I understand all the feelings you are having. You are not alone.
Wow, I am so glad your baby girl made it! That gives me a lot of hope. And our stories are very similar. I will never understand why some women have such easy pregnancies but others lose multiple babies. I’m glad your story ended with a rainbow 🙂
I have thought so much and prayed so much for you the last few days. Praying for you and your family.
Thank you so much, Joy! I have been at a very low point lately so I need the prayers. Keep them coming!
I think this needs to be the next devotional I read! So many positive posts about it:) I am also struggling with how long you are having to wait. It is hard for me to understand when I want a live baby for you so much. I can’t believe Jude would be due in about 2 months?! Has it been that long already? I guess so, because I think I remember crying to my mom about Jude’s loss on the way to my 6-week after checkup in July. I know this waiting and trying to keep hoping part is so hard, but I do fully believe that God has amazing blessings for you soon.
Thank you. Yes, Jude’s due date is March 19th…so soon. I wish I was big and pregnant right now, but God has a better plan