Lately I have been feeling very discouraged, anxious and just disheartened. Lucy’s first birthday in heaven is approaching and there are some daunting events coming up in the next couple of months that seem impossible to get through. Every time I pictured Lucy’s first birthday during this past year, I always saw myself lighting the candle on her birthday cake or releasing her balloons to heaven with a big, round pregnant belly weighing me down. Or, if I didn’t have a big round belly, I at least thought I would be trying not to vomit from the morning sickness that always comes before the big belly. That’s not how her first birthday is going to be. There will be no promising hope of a baby for us. And yes, like I was writing about in my last post, I have been swamped by the waves in my life yet again and am having a hard time focusing on God.
My little sister is pregnant and being induced on Wednesday, exactly 11 months after Lucy died. I am so sad that I can’t be in the delivery room like I was when she gave birth to my niece Lily. I loved being there, it was one of my favorite days of my whole life. She has invited me to be there when little Shep is born, but I can’t emotionally handle it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to step foot on a labor and delivery floor for the rest of my life, unless I am having my own baby (or losing him, I guess.) Missing out on my nephew’s birth is a huge loss for me and I wish I could be there to support my sister, too. It is also really hard to come to terms with the fact that he will never play with his cousin Lucy, who would have only been about six months older than him, or his cousin Jude, who would have been two months younger than him.
I was just telling Josh earlier today that I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern. I feel like God has asked me to be in this dark place and to trust Him and to wait. But it feels like it has been so long, almost a whole year, and I am exhausted by the waiting and hoping. I have been trying not to live in the future, but right here where He has me and I have been trying to do what He wants me to do right now. Right now He doesn’t have a live baby for me. He has hardship and more aching and He has work for me here, in the darkness. He wants me to do hard things and to trust. I’m so ready for the blessings and I’m so tired of all the loss. Just this morning I wrote in my journal, “How long, Lord, must I wait for the morning to come?”
I have been busy today and have been doing a lot of my tasks through tears. I felt God saying, “Come sit down and talk to me.” And after several excuses, I reluctantly sat down to talk to Him and to listen. This is what my devotional (Jesus Calling) says today:
I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask my Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon me, to trust me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see my power and glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for my glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.
What a sweet God I have, to encourage me with those words. Yes, time is a trainer, and He is training me and strengthening me here in the darkness. These difficulties are setting the scene for His glorious intervention, and I can’t wait to see it. I will stay right here where He wants me and I will try to do my work well. I will trust Him to strengthen me through this waiting and to do far more than I ever imagined possible.
Isaiah 40:31 But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory…