It’s amazing how dates cement themselves in my mind. As I get closer to Lucy’s birthday, I feel all the things I was feeling a year ago. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed and it was just yesterday that I was losing my daughter slowly, day by day, waiting until her heart stopped forever. A year ago today my baby Lucy was given a blood transfusion while still in the womb. She was extremely anemic and the doctors thought this blood transfusion could save her life. It was deemed a miraculous success, and everyone thought she would be fine. I never felt her kick again and I knew that it wasn’t a success.

I have written about it in Letting Lucy Go, but on this day a year ago I felt God ask for my daughter. It was probably the hardest decision of my life. I know that if I had said no to God, she still would have died, but I think it has helped that He asked first. I knew He was asking me to follow Him into suffering and I am thankful that He gave me the choice before He took her. I told Him He could take her if He needed to. Here is my journal entry from a year ago. I wrote down the truths that comforted me that day that I gave my baby back to God. These truths have comforted me throughout this past year and they are still true today.

• I have her for eternity
• I will give her life for God’s glory if He asks
• She is His anyway
• Abraham gave his son to God. God gave His Son for us. I will hold my daughter’s life with an open hand
• My life’s purpose is to glorify God (and enjoy Him), not to keep my daughter with me
• He will sustain me
• I will be strong and courageous in Him

I think my favorite truth is that I will have Lucy for eternity. I don’t know if I will get to keep Liam and Asher for eternity. They have to decide whether or not they will trust God and love Him. I pray that they will, and I think they will. But I know for sure that Lucy and Jude and Pax wait for me in heaven, and what a sweet promise that is. As I wrote in my journal a year ago today, He will sustain me and He has through the worst year ever. He has given me strength and courage to keep going and not give up, and for that I am thankful.

And by the way, I know God did not kill Lucy, but He did allow it. He could have saved her and He didn’t, so I trust that He has a purpose for allowing such a tragedy. My gain will be greater than my suffering, as was Lucy’s.

Here’s what I posted on Facebook the night before Lucy’s blood transfusion. I want to repeat it today because I think it is important:

As I sit here thinking about the fact that there’s a good chance my baby might die in my womb tomorrow, one thing keeps coming to mind…I have her for eternity. If things don’t go well tomorrow I know that I will spend eternity with her in heaven. If you don’t know God personally I challenge you to consider it. There’s just no better way to do life. God is real. He carries our burdens for us and offers peace and joy and eternal life. What could be better than that?

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart: I have overcome the world.” John 16:33