I can’t believe it has been a whole year since I lost my baby Lucy and saw her sweet face for the first and last time. February 8th was the worst day of my life, but it was the best day of Lucy’s life. How strange. Laboring and giving birth to her was extremely traumatic for me, knowing she was dead the whole time. I mourn that experience still, and will till I die. The wonderful thing is that Lucy was totally unaware of all of that trauma. I think about what she felt when she died and I am thankful it was peaceful for her. Instead of being born into a cold world of pain and sin, she was born into perfect warmth and light. I am thankful that she got to skip this dark place and go right to her real home.

I decided a few weeks ago that I am going to buy Lucy a birthday card every year, for the rest of my life. It was so hard to look through the cute baby girl cards, and I cried every time (you would not believe how many tears I have shed in public lately!) Most of the cards didn’t fit because they talked about the many milestones a baby goes through in her first year, and I missed them all with Lucy. But I finally found the perfect one the other day.

In the land of Royal Birthdays lived a little girl so fair, and on her special day she got a sparkling crown to wear.

As the sweetest princess ever, she had fun the whole day through…

Know who that darling princess was? Why, no one else but you!

I love this card because Lucy really is having her birthday in the land of Royal Birthdays. God is the King of all kings and His kingdom is in heaven. Lucy is the daughter of the King, and that makes her a REAL princess. I bet she even has her beautiful crown of life on right now and is just sparkling.

Psalm 103:19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.

I also like that there is a castle in the background because I know she lives in the most beautiful mansion where God had her room all prepared and waiting for her when she arrived there one year ago today. I will be reading this card with the boys today, showing them “Lucy having her birthday in heaven.” I know they will love it. I also plan on baking Lucy a birthday cake and letting her brothers decorate it for her (I laugh when I think about this because I imagine Lucy watching from heaven and cringing as her brothers create their masterpiece.) Liam is very excited about it!

I am also planning on putting Lucy’s puzzle together with the boys. I saw this puzzle in a store right after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. I had a very strong suspicion that I was having a girl, and her name would be Lucy. I put it in my shopping cart and then felt silly because I didn’t even know if I was having a girl or a boy, so I put it back. As I was checking out, I had a panicky feeling and thought, “I NEED to go back and get that puzzle.” So I got out of line and went all the way to the back of the store and got the Lucy puzzle. Now I treasure this sweet little puzzle so much, and you know what it is a picture of? Princesses in a castle! (And a random frog prince- I have no analogy for that one.)

Although I am mourning my deep loss today, I am also celebrating Lucy’s gain. Today is a celebration of her first day in heaven one year ago, the beginning of her real life. Since losing Lucy I have thought many times of a poem my Mom told me about. It has become my favorite poem. It makes me think of Lucy and I tear up every time I read it.

The Sailing Ship  

What is dying?

I am standing on the seashore.

A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.

She is an object and I stand watching her

Till at last she fades from the horizon,

And someone at my side says, “She is gone!” Gone where?

Gone from my sight, that is all;

She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her,

And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her;

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “She is gone”,

There are others who are watching her coming,

And other voices take up a glad shout, “There she comes”- and that is dying.

-Bishop Charles Henry Brent

I love the thought that as Lucy faded out of my sight she appeared to her cheering crowd of loving family members in heaven waiting to scoop her up into their arms and kiss her chubby cheeks. And one day when my own ship arrives on the shores of heaven Lucy will be at the front of the crowd waiting and cheering for me.

Happy first birthday in heaven, Lucy Dair.

I don’t know how many more birthdays you will celebrate in heaven before I get to meet you, but I do know that the birthdays I get to spend with you will FAR outnumber the ones that we spent apart. I am rejoicing in that thought today. We miss you with every beat of our hearts, our forever first baby girl.