Monthly Archives: March 2014

HOW TO TELL A BABY-LOSS MOM THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT

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How do you tell a baby loss mom that you are pregnant? How do you tell someone who is struggling with infertility that you are pregnant? I group those two types of people together infertilitybecause I think their pain comes from the same place- the pain of not having your baby in your arms. This is a very sensitive subject because it is an important and blissful moment for the mom-to-be, and it is often an excruciating moment for the baby loss mom or woman struggling with infertility. For the woman who is pregnant, I know this moment is about you and the new miracle growing inside you. This is your big announcement and you have the freedom and the right to do it however you want. I also know how precious all of those pregnancy moments are and you really never know when it will be your last time to be able to do it. I agree with that, but if you are sharing the news with a woman with infertility or someone who has lost a baby, please try to be sensitive and cautious with how you share the news. These women carry their grief with them every day and are reminded constantly of what they are missing out on. It is especially painful if the loss is fresh. I have asked a lot of women who have lost babies and who struggle with infertility how they would like to be told about a new pregnancy. Here are their suggestions:

  • Don’t tell me in a group of people or in public.
  • Tell me in private, preferably not face to face, so I can react however I want. Even though I am happy for you deep down, my first reaction is most likely going to be pain, tears, fear and frustration. It takes time for me to get past that and to get to the point where I can congratulate you and be happy for you.
  • Don’t tell me last. It is hard to think about everyone knowing and talking about how I am going to react to the news. It would be easier for me to find out before others so I can prepare myself and be ready for the coming pregnancy discussions.
  • Don’t assume everything will go perfectly. It is hard to see other people assume it won’t happen to them. It is scary to think that they haven’t learned from my story to be cautious about their own pregnancies or to guard their expectations. Be hopeful, but be cautious.
  • Don’t let me find out from your big announcement on Facebook (unless you are just a casual acquaintance.)

As most of you know, this has been a horrible year for me. I have lost three babies so far and learned that I will never have a “normal” pregnancy again in my life. I have heard about a lot of new pregnancies this year. Some people told me in a very sensitive way and others told me in a not so sensitive way. As the pregnant women have progressed in their pregnancies, I have realized that I have a much easier time accepting and celebrating the ones who told me in a gentle way. I think it makes a very big difference. Also, I look back at the ways I announced Asher and Lucy’s pregnancies (I was in Korea when I announced my pregnancy with Liam so it was all over the phone) and I cringe because I didn’t think twice about the other people I was telling. I just thought about what would be a fun way for me to announce the news. If I could go back in time, I would probably do it differently.

A couple people have sent me a private message on Facebook telling me they were pregnant and were about to announce it publicly on Facebook. I liked that they warned me so I could block them from my newsfeed and avoid constant painful reminders. It helped me celebrate their pregnancies. When I am feeling strong, I check their Facebook pages and see how they are doing, but I am able to do it at my own pace. I also had one family member pull me aside and tell me that she and her husband were about to start trying for a baby. She knew how painful it was for me, so she wanted to warn me ahead of time. I appreciated that so much. The thing that made all of these pregnancy announcements easier for me was that they told me with LOVE and respect for my grief.

So, if you are about to announce your pregnancy, think about who you are announcing it to. Is it to someone who has lost a baby or is having trouble getting pregnant, or both? If you follow the guidelines above I think it will help all of your friends and family be able to celebrate your pregnancy with you and genuinely be happy for you. And I do want to add, you should never feel guilty about being pregnant. It is a beautiful blessing and the women who are hurting are not upset that you are pregnant, they are upset that they aren’t holding their own baby.

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The Sweetest Little Dress

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On Jude’s due date I got a package in the mail. Inside was the sweetest handmade baby dress and matching bonnet.

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I’m using Siobhan’s picture of the dress because her photography skills are way better than mine.

It was from Siobhan, another baby loss mom who I’ve never met in person. She lost her son Taidgh last year and is now pregnant with his little sister. Siobhan wrote in a card:

Bethany,

I finished making this last week- I was all excited, Blythe helped me choose the flower, I photographed it, and started to fold it to put in the dresser, when I knew that it wasn’t for me. This belongs to the little girl that God has chosen to be your daughter. There is a prayer for her on every stitch…

How amazing is she?! She had no idea that Jude’s due date was coming up and she had no idea that this sweet package of hope would arrive on that very day. Even more important- it arrived on the day that God gave me a promise, one year ago, to give me my heart’s desire and to not withhold the request of my lips. God used this beautiful little dress to remind me of that promise and to tell me that He hasn’t forgotten.

Baby Girl’s dress and bonnet now hang in my room and every time I walk past them I pray for our baby who is coming. Sometimes I go back to my bedroom just to stand and stare at this dress and imagine what my baby will look like in it.

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Another amazing friend of mine, Sara, who I’ve never met in person, sent me a package last year full of baby girl things. A tiny baby two piece swim suit, a baby sister onesie, tiny girlie socks, etc. It arrived at a time when I was extremely sad and doubtful of God’s love for me. I had no more energy to hope; my heart was sick from my hope being deferred again and again. But she decided to be hopeful for me and sent me a package of baby girl clothes trusting that God would one day fill them out with our chubby baby girl.

I am so thankful for this online community of women who have used their own loss to encourage me while I grieve my babies. If you have lost a baby, I want to encourage you to find some type of connection with another mom who has lost a baby. There are support groups, Facebook groups, Babycenter discussion boards, blogs, etc. When Sara lost her son, Luke, she emailed me after finding my blog. She shared her story with me (a complete stranger, which took a lot of courage, I’m sure) and we have been emailing ever since. I know I have said this before, but I don’t know how I could have made it through this past year without Sara and many of you other women. Almost every day I am faced with some type of frustrating challenge or heart wrenching reminder that only another baby loss mom could understand. Thank you to all of you out there who understand and are open with your own struggles. Thank you for being Jesus in the flesh for me here on earth. I appreciate you all so much.

And if you have recently lost a baby, I want you to know that you are not alone in your pain. I would love for you to email me and share your story if you feel like it, or tell me how I can pray for you. My email address is: bethanysk55@yahoo.com

 

 

Baby Jude’s Due Date

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Today is yet another hard day for us. March 19th, 2014 was Jude’s due date; our precious baby Jude, our fourth child that we know absolutely nothing about. We are so sad that we have to wait until heaven to meet him or her. We are comforted by the fact that Jude is with Lucy and Pax and most of all, Jesus. We are thankful that Jude was not stillborn, and we think that God might have been sparing us from that deep pain by taking Jude early.

When we found out that we might be experiencing a miscarriage, we cried out to God to spare this baby’s life. I sat down with my journal and my Bible and begged God to speak to me, to comfort me or prepare me for whatever was coming. I flipped back to a special promise that God had given me a few weeks after Lucy died-

It was about a month and a half after I lost Lucy. I was still bleeding heavily (6 weeks later, which isn’t normal) so I had to go back to the doctor to have everything checked out. This meant sitting in the waiting room full of happy pregnant women. That morning I woke up and wanted to die, I was so overwhelmed with sadness. To get to my OB’s office you have to walk right past the newborn nursery at the hospital and see the tiny, beautiful newborn babies. I literally didn’t know if I could do it. God reassured me and I felt like He said very clearly, that He was going to tell me something important at my doctor’s appointment. I doubted that anything good could come out of this appointment. When I sat down in the waiting room I looked up and there was a woman from my church who was pregnant and due about a month after Lucy. She was there to find out the sex of her baby and was thrilled. Her face was alight with joy and excitement and innocence. How different our two ultrasounds were going to be that day. I died inside and begged God, “Help me, Jesus, help me. I can’t do this. I want to die, Jesus, help me.” He said, “Look at Psalm 21. It’s for you. I will do this for you.” I was skeptical, but I turned to it right then in the waiting room and read this (I have replaced “The King” with my name, since it was a personal promise for me):

O Lord, in your strength Bethany rejoices, and in your salvation how greatly she exults! You have given her her heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of her lips. For you meet her with rich blessings; you set a crown of fine gold upon her head. She asked life of you; you gave it to her, length of days forever and ever. Her glory is great through your salvation; splendor and majesty you bestow on her. For you make her most blessed forever; you make her glad with the joy of your presence. For Bethany trusts in the Lord, and through the steadfast love of the Most High she shall not be moved.

How sweet is my God to give me that promise right then when I needed it most? It brought me so much peace and it got me through that horrible doctor’s appointment. They had to do an ultrasound to make sure nothing was left in my uterus. There in front of me was my empty womb where Lucy should have been. I turned my head to look away and my eyes landed on the stack of onesies they give out when you find out the sex of your baby. Heartbreak. I thought about the promise God had just given me and it got me through.

So, when I sat down and flipped back in my journal to read that promise I noticed the dates. Do you know when God gave me that promise? March 19th, 2013. Baby Jude’s due date was March 19th, 2014. My heart relaxed with relief because I thought surely this was a sign that this baby would survive. But Jude didn’t make it and our hearts were completely broken. I felt silly for hoping.

Now, here we are on March 19th, 2014. No baby Jude, no baby Pax, no baby growing in my belly, no 8 month old Lucy. But I have the amazing promise that God gave me one year ago today. He will give me my heart’s desire and will not withhold the request of my lips. What have I requested, again and again and again? Lord, give me more children, Lord heal our hearts, Lord be glorified through our pain. He will do it.

This is what is sweet about this promise to me. The thing I have asked God for the most this past year is LIFE. Life for Lucy, life for Jude, life for Pax, more little lives for me to mother. And He promised me specifically:

She asked life of you; you gave it to her, length of days forever and ever.

Lucy, Jude and Pax have been given life, length of days forever and ever, and so have I. I get to have my babies forever. Over the past year I have often wondered if God’s blessings have just run out for me. He blessed me so much for the first 32 years of my life, maybe all He has left for me is suffering. But on this day last year He promised me specifically-

You have given her her heart’s desire…you meet her with rich blessings…for you make her most blessed forever; you make her glad with the joy of your presence.

And yet another beautiful contrast- Since losing Lucy I have felt so LOW- embarrassed, ashamed, sad, hopeless…but with these verses God has promised to bestow on me glory, splendor and majesty. One day He will set a crown of fine gold upon my head. I am trying to focus on this promise today instead of the painful emptiness that should be filled by my sweet little Jude. Would you pray for us today? We are so very tired of grieving and hurting, but we are still trusting.

For Bethany trusts in the Lord, and through the steadfast love of the Most High she shall not be moved.

TTC goes on hold, HOPE slowly grows

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So, we have decided to stop trying to conceive a baby naturally for right now. We have tried for 11 months which meant 9 negative pregnancy tests and 2 positives that ended with miscarriages. That is a lot of heartbreak, discouragement and hope deferred and all of it has happened right after the death of our daughter. I had negative pregnancy tests before losing Lucy and they were very difficult to handle, but getting a negative after losing a baby is far more devastating. With Liam we got pregnant the very first month we tried, Asher took five months of trying and Lucy only took two months. Throughout this past year we have been praying that God would show us clearly how He wants us to proceed with growing our family. We think He has shown us clearly that our next baby will be our adopted one. Trying to conceive is also expensive for us with the supplements, ovulation predictor kits, pregnancy tests, blood work, etc. We feel like all of our money needs to go towards our adoption right now, especially if people are donating their hard earned money to our adoption account. Also, I will probably try to induce lactation and breastfeed my adopted baby, which means going on birth control pills as part of the protocol. Another reason we are putting the TTC on hold is because every month that we try for a baby, we are opening ourselves up to a 50% chance of having another stillbirth. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and emotional energy. We are emotionally exhausted from it, so I think it is a good time to stop and wait.

Even though it goes against every fiber of my being to not try for a baby, it is very freeing to know that we WILL be meeting our baby girl next and we won’t be experiencing a stillbirth.  We are almost finished with our home study and were told to start working on our profile book to show the birth moms. This means that there is a (very small) chance that we will be getting our baby in the next few months. Josh and I realized the other day that we don’t have any names picked out yet! With a pregnancy you pretty much know how long you have to pick the name, but with adoption you have no idea. We could get a call soon telling us that a baby has just been born and the birth mom has picked us, or it could take over a year. The last couple of days have been full of hope for us as we look up baby girl names and ask the boys what they think about them. We finally told them about the adoption and that they will be getting a baby sister, but we don’t know how long it will take. We told them all about the baby’s “Belly Mama” and it all seems very normal to them because everything sounds normal when you are 3 and 5! Liam even wrote a sweet (kind of awkward) letter to Belly Mama the other night:

Please, I know you are having a baby.

Dear Belly Mama, thank you.

Love, Liam

Liam suggests on a regular basis that we name the baby Lucy, and that is always a stab in the heart. It is hard to explain that we already used that name for his baby sister who isn’t here. He wants his baby sister Lucy so much, and we do too. But lately I have noticed that when the boys talk about their baby sister they are referring to our baby girl who is coming next, and that is hopeful. Liam’s name choices for his new baby sister are, “Frontsteve, Flashy, Lil-Star and Rosie.” All good reminders why five year olds should not be allowed to name other humans. Occasionally he asks, “But can we PLEASE just nickname her Lucy?” And I have to tell him no. Today Asher told me that he really wanted to go to his baby sister’s house. They are ready to meet her.

Since Lucy died, it has been extremely painful to go to Target for some reason. I think it’s because I usually buy most of my baby stuff/maternity clothes there. I always used to walk through the baby girl clothing section and touch the pretty dresses and dream about having my own girl one day. I also see at least one or two pregnant women EVERY time I go there. While I was pregnant with Lucy, I went to Target one day, still unsure if I was going to be able to keep the sweet baby I was carrying inside me. I decided to celebrate my girl whether I got to keep her or not. I bought the cutest baby skinny jeans and an orange shirt with white flowers on it. I was so excited about seeing my baby Lucy in that outfit. I never saw her in it. Target brings up lots of heartache for me. But today, I went to Target with my boys for a few things and found myself walking through the baby girl section again, with HOPE and JOY, trusting that my new baby girl is coming. The boys were so excited about the baby girl stuff and kept asking, “Can we buy THIS for our baby sister?” It made me so happy. I splurged and got her some cute little shoes and hair clips and Asher insisted that he pick out a “pappy” for his baby sister. He only just got rid of his night time pacifier, so he was excited about getting one for her. As I left the store I realized I got through the whole shopping trip without feeling depressed or anxious. I felt hopeful and excited about the future, and the boys did too. What a delicious feeling.

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Comparing

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I used to be part of the “get pregnant easily and have a healthy baby club.” Then, against my will I became a part of the “anti-kell antibodies club.” It was a hard transition, but I was glad to have so many supportive ladies there to help me. Again, I was forced to join another club against my will, the “stillbirth club.” That has to be the worst club of them all. But yet again, I found myself surrounded (mostly through the internet) by supportive, loving women who were all a part of the same club, unfortunately. It has been so sad to know all of these other women have suffered such a profound loss too, but it has been comforting to know I am not alone. I found solace in the stillbirth club, but was soon forced into the small group of women who have lost more than one baby. I was devastated 3 months later when I had to join the “lost three babies club,” and it was a small group of people. And now, after trying to conceive for almost a whole year, we are members of the “secondary infertility club.” Lately, I have looked around and realized that almost all of the women who were with me in the stillbirth club have moved on and been allowed to join the rainbow baby club. I feel like I am alone and forgotten here in the “lost three babies, infertile, 50% chance of another stillbirth, no rainbow baby club.”

One of my biggest weaknesses and one of Satan’s most effective weapons is the habit of comparing my life with others’. It comes so naturally that I often do it without even noticing. I compare my blessings and I compare my suffering. I eat his lies right up and believe them, because when I am blinded by my pain, they seem to make sense:

“You did something wrong and God is punishing you.”

“God has forgotten about you and does not love you.”

“You are a bad mom to Liam and Asher, so He can’t trust you with more children.”

“He loves those other women more than you since He gave them healthy rainbow babies.”

“You are a failure. God has failed you. Give up hope.”

“You are an embarrassment since you can’t even keep your own babies alive.”

“You can’t trust God, He only has more pain and disappointment ahead for you.”

“Everyone else gets to have healthy babies and no problems.”

“Those other women are more obedient to God and please Him more, so they get His good gifts.”

“God failed you with your biological babies, He is going to fail you again with your adopted baby.”

Oh, I could go on and on. I actually just laughed when I typed some of those out because some of them are so ridiculous. Actually, ALL of them are ridiculous. But I believe them easily and they affect me every day. Satan is a master of deception, and he knows our weaknesses. Many areas of my life are “lacking” when compared to other people’s lives. I am not wealthy at all, in fact we are considered very low income. I am poorer than almost everyone I know, but I honestly don’t care. It is not a big problem for me, it is not important  to me. I have lived in a third world country and I have seen real poverty. I am rich and overflowing with material possessions. Often, as I am filling my kids’ plates at mealtime I can’t believe that we get to eat like this, like kings. Satan does not try to deceive me and convince me that my worth is tied to my income because he knows I will not believe it. It doesn’t affect me, so he has left that area alone. But my deepest desire, to have many children and to be able to protect my babies has been snatched away from me. To say it is excruciatingly painful is an understatement. It is my weakness, and Satan is targeting me in this area and it is a constant battle.

The other day I was making banana nut muffins for breakfast while I was listening to a podcast by Joni Eareckson Tada. I was missing Lucy and crying and feeling very discontent with God’s plan for my life. I was complaining to Him and I actually said, “Lord, I hate your plan for my life.” I was listening to the podcast in desperation, looking for some ammunition with which to fight the enemy. I’m not sure if you know Joni’s story, but when she was 17 she was injured in a diving accident that left her completely paralyzed from the neck down. She has had the most incredible life and she doesn’t feel sorry for herself. The podcast is called “Those Enviable Others.” It’s only 4 minutes, so I’ll post it at the bottom for you to listen to.

She talks about when she first started occupational therapy after her accident. She went into therapy and saw many other people in wheelchairs doing things like weaving, sculpting clay, hammering nails, and she was filled with hope. She was excited about healing and learning how to reuse her body. But she soon realized that she would never be able to use her hands again. She had the least amount of functioning ability of anyone there and she said,

I was the most paralyzed person of them all and my heart sank and my face felt flushed. It was my first experience of envying others…and it felt awful…I realized something that day in occupational therapy. I could not, I would not, no I can’t allow myself to pick up yard sticks and start comparing and competing with others. For my own mental sanity and peace of mind I realized back then that I dare not measure my circumstances up against other people in wheelchairs, people who were less paralyzed than I was. To do so would be for me to commit emotional suicide…When we do (compare ourselves to others), we are not only diminishing ourselves, we are despising God’s plan and purpose for our life. And it is always a better plan than what you see unfolding in the lives of others. God’s plan for you is that of the highest order and the best good…you have everything you need, everything that’s required for you to be utterly content. And if God thought you needed anything extra, believe me He’d give it. But as it is, what you have is all you need for your happiness.

And as I was listening to this woman in a wheelchair tell me not to envy others, I was interrupted by Asher pulling on my leg, begging me for breakfast. He was hungry and wanted food right then. I was still mixing in the ingredients and he wanted to see what I was making. When I make banana bread I use frozen bananas that were overripe when they were frozen, so they are black and grey and they make the batter kind of grey and oozy. I showed him the sloppy batter and said, “I’m making muffins but they’re not ready yet, see?” And he glanced into the bowl with a look of utter disappointment and frustration and walked away with slumped shoulders and loud, pitiful cries.

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I suddenly realized that I was acting like Asher (except I am an adult and not a toddler.) God is making me something delicious and wonderful, but it takes time. I am hungry and impatient and He is still mixing in the ingredients. I am looking in the bowl at the batter and saying, “Yuck. I hate the breakfast you are making for me, Lord. It looks disgusting and I don’t understand why you would give your daughter, who you love, something so nasty for breakfast, especially since I am so hungry.” I don’t see the finished product, hot and fluffy banana nut muffins with melted butter dripping down the sides. I don’t smell the mouth watering aroma that is soon to fill the house as they bake. All I see is a sloppy mess of batter for me and I see these other women pulling their beautiful dishes out of the oven all ready to eat. Their food smells so good. I see what they are eating and I compare it to my cold batter and I say, “I want what SHE has, Lord.” And I am missing the beautiful, well thought out meal that He is cooking for me. My impatience, mistrust and envy are destructive and they rot the bones.

Proverbs 14:30  A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

Just because my meal is taking longer to prepare does not mean that it is any less delicious. If anything, it will be more satisfying to me because it is exactly what my body needs and the hungrier I am, the more delicious it will taste. Often, when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement, I cry out to God and ask Him why He won’t do the same for me and I always hear Him say, “I have something better for you.” It’s better because it is a life plan custom made for me and it is of the highest order and the best good.

Psalm 18:30 This God-His way is perfect.

Is there something you want that you think will make you happy? It is a lie. Is there something that someone else has that you want? If God hasn’t given it to you, you don’t need it right now to be happy. You can be content right where you are, and I can be content right here where I am, without a rainbow baby. One day you will notice the most delicious smell and it will be your own meal cooking, and you will not believe how good it is.

 [audio http://www.joniandfriends.org/media/uploads/broadcast_mp3s/2014/02122014-Those-Enviable-Others.mp3]

Why I Love this Ultrasound Picture

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Ultrasound pictures are hard for me to look at, even of my own babies. It was on an ultrasound that we first discovered that Lucy was anemic and that my antibodies were attacking her. It was on an ultrasound that we watched Lucy’s heart stop beating. All of Liam and Asher’s ultrasound pictures are stored away somewhere out of sight. But there is one ultrasound picture that is displayed on my refrigerator right at eye level so that I never miss it, and it brings me so much joy. When I look at it I feel like I’m looking at a miracle.

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This was Asher at 20 weeks, 1 day. Lucy died at 19 and a half weeks. She never made it to 20 weeks. The reason this ultrasound is so remarkable is that it could have very easily been Asher that never made it to 20 weeks and we never would have had this picture.

As most of you know, when I had Liam and Asher I didn’t have anti-kell antibodies so they were safe in my womb throughout the pregnancies. The way women get anti-kell antibodies (called being “sensitized”) is either by a blood transfusion (which I’ve never had) or by giving birth to a baby with kell positive blood. Many women give birth to kell positive babies and never become sensitized and rarely do they have such a strong reaction, like I did. But my body obviously had a strong reaction. Liam was never in danger because he was my first baby so I couldn’t have been sensitized before him. I could have been sensitized when I gave birth to Liam, though. We know for sure that Asher has kell positive blood, so he would have been affected by the antibodies. I don’t know why I wasn’t sensitized after Liam, but I know it was such a blessing.

I know I’ve already written about this story in What I Got for Mother’s Day, but I’m writing about it again. Sorry for the repeat. While I was pregnant with Asher we just couldn’t figure out what to name him. I had Liam’s name picked out before I even met Josh, but we didn’t have any ideas for Asher. I decided to pray and ask God what He thought I should name him. I felt like God showed me the name Asher and said it was the name of my baby. I loved the name and so did Josh. We decided to keep it a secret, so we didn’t tell anybody his name. Some time towards the end of my pregnancy my Mom was praying one day about my new baby and she felt like God said, “His name is Asher.” She thought she might be making it up, but was pretty sure she had heard God speak to her. I will never forget the day when she came up to me and said, “I know this sounds weird, but I was praying the other day and I felt like God told me that your baby’s name is Asher.” I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. She couldn’t believe it either when I told her that was the name we had picked for him several weeks earlier! I knew then that the name was a special message for us about Asher. It is a Hebrew name and it means “Happy, blessed, fortunate.” He is the most happy boy and was a happy, easy baby. But more importantly, I am seeing now why Asher is so very, very blessed. God let him live. He let him make it to that 20 week ultrasound all healthy and chunky and throbbing with a healthy heartbeat. That ultrasound picture is the first picture of many that might not have been. I’ve had him for three whole years and I have been blessed by every single moment I get with him. It is often easy to focus on all the things I am missing with Lucy, all the sweet pictures that never will be. But this ultrasound picture is on display to remind me of the enormous miracle that He did in letting Asher live.

God didn’t just let Asher live, but He gave me all the specific things I asked for. It was a long list. Since Liam had terrible colic as a baby and refused to eat, I asked God to give me a baby boy who was big and chunky, who loved to eat and didn’t have colic. I asked that my baby would be laid back and easy, with a sweet nature. I asked that he would be healthy and that I would have an easy delivery. God gave me all those things. Asher was 10 pounds 2 ounces and giving birth to him was less painful and easier than giving birth to my one pound baby Lucy. Not lying. He is a good eater, and he was easy to breastfeed. Since he was a baby he has had amazing command over his emotions. He knew how to self soothe since birth. I will never know why God answered all of my silly requests for Asher with a YES but He answered my one request for Lucy with a loud and resounding NO. I told God I didn’t care if she was brain damaged (severe anemia can affect the brain and heart.) I didn’t care if she had a heart defect or if she had to spend 3 months in the NICU. I just wanted her to live. That was my one request, the most important request a Mommy will ever have for her baby. And God told me NO. One day when I see the whole picture, I will be happy He said no and I will thank Him, but not today, and probably not in this lifetime. I am so very sad that He told me NO with Lucy but I am so incredibly thankful for all the wonderful yeses that He said with Asher. Today I am relishing all of those beautiful yeses. I am celebrating my blessings today, three years after meeting my healthy, LIVE baby Asher for the first time. What a good God. I am so thankful for all the days I have spent with my little Asher Caleb and for all the days to come. Happy third birthday big boy!

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Deuteronomy 33:24,25 And of Asher he said, “Most blessed of sons be Asher; let him be the favorite of his brothers, and let him dip his foot in oil. Your bars shall be iron and bronze, and as your days, so shall your strength be.”

Just had to add some FUN FACTS ABOUT ASHER:

  • People usually think his name is Ashton or Usher.
  • When he was born he was so big that he couldn’t fit into a newborn size diaper. They didn’t have a single diaper in the whole hospital that would fit him.
  • His Korean name is Kang-He (Liam’s is Kang San)
  • As a newborn, Asher was diagnosed with torticollis and plagiocephaly; both developed because he ran out of space in the womb
  • He started walking at 8 months
  • He still has that wonderful, sweet baby breath
  • He asks me for two things on a daily basis: 1. Can I be naked?  2. Can I eat butter?