So, we have decided to stop trying to conceive a baby naturally for right now. We have tried for 11 months which meant 9 negative pregnancy tests and 2 positives that ended with miscarriages. That is a lot of heartbreak, discouragement and hope deferred and all of it has happened right after the death of our daughter. I had negative pregnancy tests before losing Lucy and they were very difficult to handle, but getting a negative after losing a baby is far more devastating. With Liam we got pregnant the very first month we tried, Asher took five months of trying and Lucy only took two months. Throughout this past year we have been praying that God would show us clearly how He wants us to proceed with growing our family. We think He has shown us clearly that our next baby will be our adopted one. Trying to conceive is also expensive for us with the supplements, ovulation predictor kits, pregnancy tests, blood work, etc. We feel like all of our money needs to go towards our adoption right now, especially if people are donating their hard earned money to our adoption account. Also, I will probably try to induce lactation and breastfeed my adopted baby, which means going on birth control pills as part of the protocol. Another reason we are putting the TTC on hold is because every month that we try for a baby, we are opening ourselves up to a 50% chance of having another stillbirth. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and emotional energy. We are emotionally exhausted from it, so I think it is a good time to stop and wait.

Even though it goes against every fiber of my being to not try for a baby, it is very freeing to know that we WILL be meeting our baby girl next and we won’t be experiencing a stillbirth.  We are almost finished with our home study and were told to start working on our profile book to show the birth moms. This means that there is a (very small) chance that we will be getting our baby in the next few months. Josh and I realized the other day that we don’t have any names picked out yet! With a pregnancy you pretty much know how long you have to pick the name, but with adoption you have no idea. We could get a call soon telling us that a baby has just been born and the birth mom has picked us, or it could take over a year. The last couple of days have been full of hope for us as we look up baby girl names and ask the boys what they think about them. We finally told them about the adoption and that they will be getting a baby sister, but we don’t know how long it will take. We told them all about the baby’s “Belly Mama” and it all seems very normal to them because everything sounds normal when you are 3 and 5! Liam even wrote a sweet (kind of awkward) letter to Belly Mama the other night:

Please, I know you are having a baby.

Dear Belly Mama, thank you.

Love, Liam

Liam suggests on a regular basis that we name the baby Lucy, and that is always a stab in the heart. It is hard to explain that we already used that name for his baby sister who isn’t here. He wants his baby sister Lucy so much, and we do too. But lately I have noticed that when the boys talk about their baby sister they are referring to our baby girl who is coming next, and that is hopeful. Liam’s name choices for his new baby sister are, “Frontsteve, Flashy, Lil-Star and Rosie.” All good reminders why five year olds should not be allowed to name other humans. Occasionally he asks, “But can we PLEASE just nickname her Lucy?” And I have to tell him no. Today Asher told me that he really wanted to go to his baby sister’s house. They are ready to meet her.

Since Lucy died, it has been extremely painful to go to Target for some reason. I think it’s because I usually buy most of my baby stuff/maternity clothes there. I always used to walk through the baby girl clothing section and touch the pretty dresses and dream about having my own girl one day. I also see at least one or two pregnant women EVERY time I go there. While I was pregnant with Lucy, I went to Target one day, still unsure if I was going to be able to keep the sweet baby I was carrying inside me. I decided to celebrate my girl whether I got to keep her or not. I bought the cutest baby skinny jeans and an orange shirt with white flowers on it. I was so excited about seeing my baby Lucy in that outfit. I never saw her in it. Target brings up lots of heartache for me. But today, I went to Target with my boys for a few things and found myself walking through the baby girl section again, with HOPE and JOY, trusting that my new baby girl is coming. The boys were so excited about the baby girl stuff and kept asking, “Can we buy THIS for our baby sister?” It made me so happy. I splurged and got her some cute little shoes and hair clips and Asher insisted that he pick out a “pappy” for his baby sister. He only just got rid of his night time pacifier, so he was excited about getting one for her. As I left the store I realized I got through the whole shopping trip without feeling depressed or anxious. I felt hopeful and excited about the future, and the boys did too. What a delicious feeling.