I’ve been swimming laps this summer in the same pool I swam laps in two years ago, in the summer of 2012. That was the last summer our family and my heart were whole. I swam laps every day to try to lose my Asher baby weight and to prepare my body for my next baby. We were meticulous about planning and timing our next baby “perfectly.” Josh especially wanted to be wise and wait for the right time. We wanted our kids to be close in age but Josh was about to start grad school that fall. We didn’t want to be having a baby in the middle of his first year in grad school, so we waited (even though my heart already had begun aching for our next baby.) Our plan was to time it so that the baby would be born in the summer of 2013 when Josh was out of school and could help and be home more.

My heart was so content that summer, and as I swam in that clear pool, lap after lap with bubbles frothing all around, I prayed for God to bless us with another baby. On my calendar I was counting down the days until we could start trying for our third baby. Some days I felt like I just couldn’t wait and I would try to convince Josh to let us start trying earlier than we had planned (like I tried with all of our babies.) He said no and so we waited. When the weather started to turn cool my heart leapt because with the cooler weather came baby making time! On October 25th we found out we were pregnant and due in July, just how we had hoped.

                                                                  -October 25, 2012

I’M PREGNANT!

I can’t believe it! I’m so excited. This never gets old. A new baby for me to love for eternity. It feels totally unreal. How can there be new life so recently created in me right now? I feel like there should be fireworks or at least some applause!

THANK YOU, my sweet Father,

You give me so many beautiful gifts. Thank you so much for this new baby. I can’t believe you’ve trusted me with another life to nourish. Another heart to teach about you. I don’t deserve any of your blessings, yet you lavish them on me continuously. I love you. Thank you for my new sweet baby. I wonder who she/he is, what will she be like? Look like? I am ecstatic. (I also have A LOT to do.)

 

At the pumpkin patch right after I found out I was pregnant 🙂

How could I have known that our summer baby would indeed be born in the middle of Josh’s second semester of grad school and in the middle of our move to a new house, at the worst time possible? How could I have known that she would be born dead? How could I have possibly imagined that two years later I would be swimming laps with only two children and a broken heart?

Today when I went outside for my swim, the weather was surprisingly cool and it didn’t feel humid at all. It felt like fall, and as I stepped into that same sparkling swimming pool, I remembered the summer and fall of 2012 so vividly. It felt like it had happened yesterday. The all too familiar feeling of emptiness that follows me now, enveloped me and reminded me of the deep and devastating loss that has marked my life forever. That baby that I could not wait to conceive now lives in heaven with her two younger siblings. I swam lap after lap in that same pool today, but I prayed for a different baby. With the cooler weather this year will come the possibility of our third earth baby, who we already love with all of our hearts. I prayed for this baby and her birth parents today as I swam and it felt so much like that summer two years ago. Intense longing and hoping for our third baby and the feeling like I just can’t wait. I have learned that we can plan and pray and hope, but God has the final word. So, I will plan for this baby, but I will hold her (or him) with an open hand, and I will trust that God’s plan for my life is perfect and good, whether it includes a third baby or not.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.  Psalm 16:2, 5, 6