Still Wondering…

I am still wondering why I lost Jude and Pax. It is always in the back of my mind. I know exactly why we lost Lucy, my immune system thought she was something dangerous and it attacked her. My own body killed the baby it was supposed to protect. I know that the same thing will happen to any other babies who get their Daddy’s blood type- a 50% chance. I also know that it is only possible for my body to attack the baby after he/she starts making his or her own blood in the second trimester.

There is no possible way that my anti-kell antibodies killed Jude and Pax because I lost them early in the first trimester. So what was it? I never had any problems before, never had any miscarriages before. They ran so many tests with Lucy (just to be sure to rule anything else out) and they all came back perfect. She was perfect, Liam and Asher were perfect. After losing Jude and Pax I had a couple of tests done and everything looked great. Just a few weeks ago I was tested for hypothyroidism because it runs in my family and can cause miscarriages/infertility. I also read that it can be triggered by a pregnancy, so I thought maybe my pregnancy with Lucy triggered it and that’s why I lost the next two. But my thyroid is functioning beautifully, which was surprisingly disappointing. I’m tired of wondering why I lost my last two babies and questioning whether it will happen again.

When we decided to try to conceive our rainbow baby after losing Lucy, it took SO much courage. I was ready to fight for him/her in the second and third trimesters, ready to have a NICU baby for as long as it took, ready to try the new treatments and see if they might save our baby. But I lost them before I could even start to fight. I lost the race right at the starting line.

We might never know why we lost them. So many women lose babies and they never know why. I do know that God is in control and He is not surprised by any of this. I also have a strong feeling that we are NOT done trying. Right now we are so excited about our baby that is coming through the gift of adoption, but I do think we will try again naturally one day. Although, my friend who tried for a baby for five years and then adopted a sweet baby girl last year said that adoption has totally changed her heart and her perspective. She said now, she honestly does not care if she has any biological children, she is so in love with her daughter, she can’t imagine her family any other way. So, who knows? I could have a total change of heart after I meet my next baby. Maybe she will make our family complete, maybe we will adopt again or try embryo adoption?

I am so sorry to all the mothers out there who lost babies and have no explanation why. It is a haunting question that lingers in the back of your mind, nagging and irritating. The best thing I know to do is to file this question away, along with my many other unanswered questions, and to ask God when I see Him in person.

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13 thoughts on “Still Wondering…

  1. This is something that I don’t even allow myself to think about most of the time. I’m afraid that thinking about it too much would completely tear me apart. After we lost Aubrey to Turner Syndrome, we were told there was nothing standing in the way of us having healthy pregnancies in our future. Our chances of miscarriage or birth defects was no greater than any other average couple. Then we experienced the subsequent loss of baby Sam in the first trimester. It’s devastating still, but like I mentioned before I don’t even let myself to think about that loss for more than a few minutes at a time. I feel guilty that I don’t allow myself to fully mourn the loss of Sam. Yet, here we are about to welcome our baby, Jack into this world (in a few short weeks) and I can’t help but acknowledge that without experiencing the loss of baby Sam, we would not be anticipating the arrival of baby Jack, and I’m so thankful that God has never made me choose between my children. I get to have them both. Sam’s life was undeniably too short, but I get to experience them both in different ways.

    Thinking of you and your family as you continue on your journey to adoption. I can’t wait to see the sweet little girl who is so lucky to be a part of your family and I know you will be such a blessing of a Mother to her. ❤

  2. I lost my twin boys in January, and my doctors have several theories on what might have happened. While we have an idea, we don’t know for sure and we might not ever know. The wondering is devastating. I am sorry that you do not know the reason you lost Jude and Pax. I’m hoping that you can find peace, although I know that is nearly impossible after the loss of children. My thoughts are with you as you continue your journey to expand your family.

  3. The idea that we may never know what caused the cyst in Noah’s brain makes me crazy. It’s so hard not knowing. I feel like I actually have a better idea with my early miscarriages than I do why we lost Noah. It’s so hard.

  4. I don’t understand why you had to lose Jude and Pax either and honestly, I still feel a little angry about it. It feels like God has allowed too much repeated hurt to a friend I love. If it wasn’t the time for your next baby, why did God allow you to get pregnant only to experience further hurt? But, as you said, things that don’t make sense now will make sense later. I know how much God loves you and that His plan is perfect. I truly feel that you are going to get a bigger reward than most. He must be equipping you for something special.

  5. I have lost three babies the last 18 months. The first one, our daughter Matilda had a severe heart defect and only lived for three days. This year I have had two early miscarriages, two precious little babies, Jesse and Jamie, that we only got to keep for a few weeks. It was hell to lose Matilda, but we had hope that we would have more children. But now we don’t know. We have no idea why we lost Jesse and Jamie. I long for more children, but I’m also terrified of getting pregnant again and losing another one. I don’t know how I would survive another loss.

    • I am so sorry that you lost Matilda, Jesse and Jamie. It is so hard to lose babies and your hope for more children. A friend of mine lost her first 3 babies, just like you, and never knew if she would have a living child to bring home. She kept trying and she now has four healthy children filling up her home. Another friend of mine lost 3 babies last year, and now has a healthy little girl who is Lucy’s age. I will pray that God protects you from more loss and gives you a healthy rainbow baby.

  6. We’re considering adoption after loosing our little girl last year. We have one living biological child who took a while to conceive. We don’t want to risk loosing a baby again and don’t want to try conceiving again as time is not on our side. We are not fertile people and don’t need the added emotional rollercoaster. Just wanted to wish you masses of luck and so sorry for your losses.

    • I’m so sorry you lost your little girl. We were also so tired of loss and ready for hope, which is why we chose adoption. It has been a wonderfully hopeful journey so far. Good luck with your adoption plans!

    • Hey Kristin, I am around! I can’t remember what board I met you on? I had to stop getting on the TTC and rainbow boards as they started getting really painful, especially when we stopped TTC to pursue adoption. I have been SO busy lately so I don’t get on Babycenter much, but when I do it’s the adoption board I go to. Our baby girl is due this month so we are thrilled! How are you doing?

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