A Long Pregnancy

After I lost Lucy I was shocked and devastated by my loss, my empty arms and the abrupt end to my pregnancy. The bleeding, the milk coming in, the hormones, the painful recovery after childbirth- all of it without a baby to fill my arms. It is completely unnatural to end a pregnancy without a baby in your arms. I cannot describe to you how deep the pain is, knowing your baby is dead and you have to live the rest of your life without her. It helped some to know that she was ACTUALLY alive in heaven and that one day I would meet her and get to live the rest of my life with her. I just had to wait. It almost reminded me of pregnancy. When you are pregnant you know your baby is alive inside you, but you don’t have her in your arms yet. You know (or you think) one day several months from now you will meet your baby and keep her for the rest of your life. Those nine months are hard. It feels like the longest wait ever, like your due date will NEVER come. The day you meet your baby face to face is one of the best ones of your life (my FAVORITE day for sure.)

I try to imagine that I am still pregnant with Lucy, except that she isn’t due in a few months, but more than likely YEARS. She is alive and I will get to see her face to face one day and keep her for the rest of my life except that I don’t know when her due date is, or I should probably say, MY due date. I have no idea when my life here on earth will be over, when my delivery date is. I have no idea which trimester I am in. I could be at the end of my first trimester or the middle of the pregnancy or right at the end of my third trimester. Tomorrow could be the day that I meet Lucy face to face. I have no idea. But I am so thankful that I know I will see her again and get to keep her. Just like when you go through the intense pain of childbirth and you see your baby and the pain just vanishes when the joy floods in, so it will be in heaven. Right now I can’t imagine this pain, anguish and anger ever being REPLACED with joy. I do have so much joy in my life and I am thankful for my blessings, but that joy comes alongside the grief and pain and is present WITH the anguish, but look what God promises-

I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13 

I am promised joy instead of mourning and gladness instead of sorrow. Thank you, Lord, for your promises and your faithfulness. Now, I will wait here on earth enduring this relentless sorrow but knowing that it will not last and it will be replaced with joy. While I wait and my “pregnancy” with Lucy progresses, I will glorify Him with my life. One day when I get to heaven I want to say

I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence.  John 17: 4,5

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6 thoughts on “A Long Pregnancy

  1. Hi! I discovered your blog quite by accident as I was searching for others who are talking about stillbirth and pregnancy afterward. I appreciate the words you share when it comes to your losses, and your faith. Like you, I know the anguish of the longest pregnancy ever. It is indescribable. I am so sorry you are here too.
    Like you, I have lost many of my precious children. Also like you, I was blessed with healthy pregnancys and babies before I walked into the valley of the shadow of death. My husband and three healthy children are the reason I get out of bed each day. In march 2012, I finally became pregnant after 18 months of trying. We were elated. We lost our hopes and dreams in a 10 week blighted ovum miscarriage. I was devastated. A few months later I became pregnant again. I carried our precious son Sam for 16 weeks 4 days. In October 2012, when his death was discovered at a routine visit with my midwife, my heart died too. I had never known pain so deep and consuming. His birth was traumatic and I nearly lost my life to massive hemorrhage. I ended up with a d&c and never had the opportunity to see his body outside of ultrasound. Not having the closure of burial and goodbye was one of the most painful feelings I have ever endured. I woke from the emergency d&c to an empty feeling so consuming, I writhed in emotional agony in the hospital recovery room for a long time…and then at home for months. At the hospital I was treated like a surgery patient, not a grieving mother who had just lost her child. Many friends were good, and many were heartless and sometimes cruel. The months following Sam’s death were long and difficult. A few months later I became pregnant again. I had desperately wanted to be pregnant again when his due date came. The month prior to his due date I did indeed conceive. I was so grateful for such a blessing from God. However, at 6weeks 3 days, instead of rejoicing a new life on Sam’s due date, I was in the process of losing another baby. The trauma of losing three babies within a year had taken a toll on me, but it knew that our family was not complete. I knew we needed to try again. We had determined to wait for awhile before we tried, but God had other plans for us. One month after our third loss we discovered I was pregnant again. I was monitored closer and tested for many different potential blood disorders, a declared to be free of said disorders. The pregnancy with my daughter was beautiful and scary for me. When I began to feel her move within me I felt love course through my body in a way I never had felt it before. At 22 weeks I knew that something was wrong. We went to the hospital where she was monitored and all seemed to be well. I was sent home, but was still uneasy. At 23 weeks the feeling was persistent. I could not shake the feelings of grief and loss. A friend, who is a labor and delivery nurse, came to our home to show me how to use a Doppler I had acquired. She was unable to find heart tones. We went to the hospital where we discovered that our daughter had passed away. I went home and wailed and writhed in grief yet again. Two days later I was induced to deliver her. My labor was long and painful. As I labored for her physical body she whispered calm to my spirit. She let me know that her name was to be Emma. Her delivery was painful yet beautiful. September 2013 she was born still, and we were blessed to spend time with her. When she was born it was clear that her umbilical cord had directly caused her death. Holding Emma, loving her, grieving for her in the hospital was one of the most excruciating and precious days of my life. Burying her was the most impossible task I have ever been asked to do. Since then I have struggled and worked to heal in any way I can. Even after so much loss, Our story isn’t over yet.

    As I have read of your feelings and the grief of your heart, I relate on so many levels. I am so happy that your arms will soon be filled with a sweet baby, no doubt meant to be your daughter. I have thought of you often this week, and I pray that her birth and adoption will go smoothly and bring a measure of healing to your wounded soul.

    • Hey Joanie, thank you for your sweet comment and for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious children. You have been through so much grief. It is just not fair. I have been praying for you (and your future babies) since I read your comment. I truly feel like your story is NOT over yet and your rainbow is coming.

  2. You are right. My story is not over. I struggle to believe in rainbow baby’s. Emma was my rainbow, and she died. I do believe in gifts from a loving God though. We eagerly anticipate our gift baby this week. Tomorrow is my due date with our gift son, and we are anxious to meet him and to fill our home with baby love once more. Pregnancy after so much loss has been difficult on every single level. As he squirms within my womb I feel gratitude, and testify that trying one more time has been worth the struggle of the pregnancy. He can not replace the pain, and waiting heart I endure for my Sam and Emma, but this baby is truly a gift. I hope this week will be magical for my family.

  3. Our beautiful son Mason was born Monday evening. Miracles are possible! He is perfect. My heart is full. Mason does not replace my Sam or Emma, but his spirit has filled our home and my arms. I can’t help but look at him all day long, and feel love for him. Your little girl won’t replace Lucy, but I hope that your arms filled and your heart full of love will be a beautiful experience for you, as Mason’s birth has been for us so far.

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