October 27th was supposed to be Scarlet’s due date. This day represented so much hope for me and for my family. I have been anxiously waiting for this day since I met Kailee in May. But here I am, awake since 3am, engorged with milk, unable to bring myself to pump for this imaginary baby of mine. I cannot shut my mind off. Did Kailee wear the nice robe and fuzzy socks I bought for her when she was in the hospital? What about the helpful verses I wrote out for her on notecards, one by one, to help strengthen her for delivery and the hard days in the hospital afterwards. Did she just throw those away? She threw so much away. Money, hope, trust, our dreams for this baby, faith in humanity for some. I think about all the hours and days and months of work we put into this. The fundraisers, the kind donations of so many people, all the time we spent on our home study and our family profile, making sure the wording and the pictures were just right. My mind cannot grasp the scope of this, the enormity of her betrayal. It breaks my heart to see so much hope wasted, to see all the faces that were expectantly waiting for redemption fall with disappointment and hurt. How am I supposed to get through this day? Where do we go from here?
The past two weeks have been an excruciating wait for us as Kailee just suddenly cut off all communication with us and we had no idea what was going on. I have been praying this verse fervently over the past couple of weeks:
Psalm 17: 6,7 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.
I begged God to wondrously show me His steadfast love by giving me this baby as my daughter. I cried out to Him as deeply as I cried out for Him to spare Lucy’s life when she was dying in my womb. It felt like every other breath I drew was exhaled in a prayer for Him to give me this baby and prevent another tragedy. I don’t know why His answer was NO again, but this morning I read this verse that brought me comfort:
Psalm 31:21-24 Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you His saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.
I think, somehow, He is going to wondrously show His steadfast love to me even now when I am in this besieged city of hopelessness. He is going to show His deep love for me without giving me this baby, even though that is hard for me to fathom right now. Please pray that I have the strength and courage to get through this horrible day and still feel His love for me.
Losing Lucy and Finding Hope 
God will carry you through this day and the days to come. I wish you peace and comfort.
Like the Lord, we will also walk beside you, hold, your hand, lift you up and let you cry. While many of us cannot understand the depth of your pain, we do know the power of love. Please know that we love you.
Thinking of you today. I just cannot imagine the betrayal you feel. To think that she might have thrown away your heart- those verses, those tokens of love that were articles of clothing… thank you for sharing these verses. In doing so, you have spoken to my dying spirit inside I’m trying to make sense of. The anger and madness that bubble up in the middle of nowhere.
I am praying for your body to absorb all of this. But moreso praying for His love to carry you through.
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. -Psalm 34:1
Thinking of you. XOX Praying for profound presence of the Lord in your day!
There are no words.
Thank you for your honesty and for your faith. I had a miscarriage in August and your blog has been a great source of inspiration and light.
I am so so sorry that you are experiencing more tragedy. It doesn’t seem fair. And yet you still trust Him. You truly are an amazing woman. Thank you for that.
Even though we do not know each other, I will be praying for you in this terrible tragedy. May God’s peace fill your home even now in this dark hour.
My thoughts and prayers remain with you. I know that god WILL take care of you. Waiting to see the blessings come can be so difficult.
I’m just so sad for you all. I wish I could make it better
I can not even begin to understand the pain you are feeling. Praying for you.
Prayers and hugs….
Bethany, I’ve been following you since I found your blog when my son was stillborn last year. I always have admired your ability to go the domestic infant adoption route, and have prayed for you and your family. I can’t imagine what you are going through. after our son died, I had so much anxiety regarding our family planning..we want a big family and I felt your pain so acutely reading it. We have since had a rainbow baby and are adopting internationally. If you decide to go that route, please feel free to contact me.
What has happened to you… It is absolutely horrific. If there is a way that we could donate to a future adoption, please direct me…<3 ❤ ❤
Thank you so much, your comment came at a good time. We have been so discouraged lately, today especially. Congrats on your rainbow baby and upcoming adoption. I think we are leaning towards embryo adoption, but aren’t sure yet.
Pingback: When I Was In a Besieged City | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope