Many of you have been wondering how we are doing after being devastated by Kailee and Peter and their cruelty. Obviously, we are sad, we are trying to adjust to not having “Scarlet” in our family like we thought we would. We are deeply hurt by what Kailee and Peter did to us and we have no idea what to do next, especially now that we don’t have any money left. We are still in shock and can’t believe people like this actually exist in the world.
But, we still have so much hope. My heart has been filled with the most astounding peace over the last few days, and more than anything, I feel deeply loved and highly favored by my God. With this one act of hate, came many, many acts of love and kindness afterwards by our family, friends and even people we have never met in person. People have lavished love on us through encouraging words, prayers, delicious meals, beautiful flowers, gifts for the boys, chocolate, cake, cookies, and more. Some of you who donated to the “adoption” have said you would be willing to help us again with another fundraiser in the future (which totally blows my mind!) There is even comfort in the collective outrage around the world at what Kailee and Peter have done. For some reason, it helps to know that others are just as disgusted and angry as we are.
Not only is there a sense of peace, but there is a huge sense of relief. We did all we could, we truly did our best. We asked God to show us what He wanted us to do and we obeyed. This is His story, and He is writing it and so much of it is out of our control. The relief comes in knowing that I won’t have to have a lifetime relationship with Kailee now. She can never affect my family again, and she won’t be the birth mom or first mom of my baby. The last five months have been EXTREMELY stressful for us as we tried to interact with Kailee on a healthy level, to manage the finances of the adoption wisely, to deal with Kailee’s strange behavior and try to protect the baby through all of it. There was SO much anxiety about whether the baby was ok, since Kailee was taking some serious drugs and not going to the doctor at all. She flippantly told us that it was a high risk pregnancy because of the medications she was on, but that she “didn’t have the gas money” to get to the doctor, even though we sent her gas cards. Also, we were anticipating a long NICU stay (I think the baby might still be in the NICU, probably detoxing.) All of these stressors have lifted, so there is a sense of relief.
I am slowly decreasing my pumping and still storing breast milk every day. I have decided that unless someone just drops a baby in our laps in the next couple of months, I will be donated all of this breast milk to the NICU or to another adoptive mama who wants to give her baby breast milk. The thought of another baby getting the breast milk makes me so happy. I feel happy when I think of the GOOD things that can come out of this betrayal. I am determined not to let evil win. I am even burning the candle I bought for Kailee and had ready in her hospital gift basket right now and it smells so good. I have no idea how I can enjoy it, but I am. I will also be enjoying the calming tea, bubble bath, lotion and book that is in “her” basket. Maybe God knew I would need to be pampered after this 🙂
One thought keeps coming back to me and it comforts me so much. At least I’m not her. She has to live with this guilt on her conscience for the rest of her life. She used her own daughter as a pawn, a way to make money, and she has to live with that. She lives in poverty and her children have hard lives. I have so much goodness and love in my life and my conscience is clear. I have a beautiful new house, my two healthy boys and a loving husband. We are supported by so many amazing, caring people who continue to show us the love of Christ. Our families are supportive and helpful. God assures us constantly of His love for us, even in this dark time. My boys seriously have the best lives. We are almost spoiled by the goodness and blessings in our lives. At least I am not her.
I think the thing that has helped us survive this loss the most is the enormous amount of prayers that have been said on our behalf. Every one of them makes a huge difference. Every one of you makes a difference. Thank you so much for your love, prayers and support through all of this. You have truly helped us and encouraged us so much.
Before “Scarlet” arrived, I repeatedly reminded myself that a new baby would not satisfy me or complete my life. I knew that if I expected her to do that I would be very let down. Only God can complete me and fulfill my deepest desires. Now, here I am again in this familiar place of loss. My arms are not heavy with the weight of my new, warm baby and I am ok. I am at peace.
Philippians 4:11-13 for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.