Since you so abruptly cut off all communication with us I feel like I am lacking closure. I am hoping to find some with this letter to you. Since I’m pretty sure you are not checking my emails to you, maybe you will find your way to this letter on my blog. I have so many questions. Was this your plan all along? Did you pick Adam and Gary at the beginning or at the end of your pregnancy? Were you lying to us the whole time? Did you see our deep love for your baby and take advantage of our vulnerability? Did you see all of our pain after losing our babies and think, “They look like good targets”? Did you do this to another loving family last year with Ben’s adoption too? Are you going to do this again with a different, trusting family next year with another sweet baby? Did you make this rash decision to pick another family after I finally set up some boundaries and told you that no, I would not be able to buy you $40 worth of pizza at the end of September because we didn’t have the money. We had just bought a van and a house that month. We didn’t have money to spend on frivolity. Do you know that we don’t even order pizza like that for ourselves because it’s too expensive? We go get a frozen pizza from Walmart and cook it at home to save money. Was that the reason you picked someone else to adopt “Scarlet”?
It is interesting how different Gary and Adam are from our own family. It is hard for me to believe that you just suddenly had a change of heart right at the end and decided to go with a family that was the opposite of ours. If you wanted your daughter to be raised by Adam and Gary, why didn’t you just go with them from the beginning? What was the point of dragging our family into it? Was it worth a few months of free rent and gas money to you? Why did you want to meet my children and my parents if you knew they weren’t going to be Ava’s grandparents and big brothers? Thank goodness I never let my boys meet you.
Were you actually going to the doctor the whole time and sending Adam and Gary the ultrasound pictures and updates while I stressed out week after week about the baby’s wellbeing? Do you understand how many people you have hurt? You have made people question the goodness of humanity, the existence of God and the very practice of adoption. Why did you give Ava the middle name that I picked out to honor my Mama-E? I cannot wrap my mind around that one. Part of me hopes that every time you see Ava’s middle name you are overcome with guilt and your heart burns with remorse for what you have done. I have so many questions, so many. I know they probably will never be answered.
Words are powerful. Part of me wants to rip you apart with my words right here for everyone to see. I could. I know things about you that no one else knows since you confided in me and leaned on me for emotional support all those months. People want justice. They want to see you punished for what you have done. They want to see you hurt. But I won’t tear you down with my words because I serve a loving God and He tells me to LOVE people like you.
If there is any one thing you remember from this letter I hope it is this:
I FORGIVE YOU
I forgive you for all the money you wasted and all the pain you have brought on my family, on my friends and on all the hopeful people around the world who have followed our story. I forgive you for all the ways you hurt me and my sweet husband and my little boys. I forgive you because God forgave me when I was nothing but a horrible sinner. I will pray for little Ava for the rest of my life, because that is what my Mama-E would have wanted me to do if she were alive today. Every time you see Ava’s middle name, Mae, I want you to remember that I forgive you and that God will too if you ask Him. I hope Ava grows up to be like my amazing Mama-E. I still love your children, J and A. They are so sweet. I will pray for them also for the rest of my life. And lastly, I will pray for you to find God’s peace and forgiveness in your own life. There truly is nothing like it. If all of this heartache ended with you turning to God and knowing Him and understanding His love for you, then it was worth it for me.
With love and unbreakable hope,
This is beautiful, Bethany. When I got to the words “I forgive you”, I broke down. Such a sad but still beautiful thing you are giving. Kailee is incredibly lucky it is you she did this to and not one of the million other litigious people in America. But I’m so sorry that it is another hurt on your path. I know God is going to richly reward you for your continued faith and likeness to Him.
well done you for choosing to do the right thing, even when every fibre of your being feels wronged. I have bee following your blog because I lost a my first and only child (a daughter named Sinza) to stillbirth in January, and have started on the adoption journey becuase my baby’s dad has since also walked out on me. I am at the begining stage, I cannot imagine the pain of another loss, and my heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry about your little Sinza, it breaks my heart. And now you are having to deal with your husband leaving on top of that! So horrible. I will pray that this adoption journey you are starting ends with joy and healing and a sweet baby for you to love forever.
Bethany, I just came across your blog and I am blown away with all you have been through…..I have 3 babies in Heaven….Two were early miscarriages and the other is my Hannah Faith who I gave birth to at 29 weeks…..She had fetal hydrops…I had her on 2/10/14 and she went with Jesus on Valentines Day 2/14/14……I don’t have any other children, other than my 2 stepsons, and like you, my heart’s desire is for God to bless me with a child….Reading your blog, I thought about a book I am going to be reading pretty soon called , “Hannah’s Hope” It’s about a woman who has struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and failed adoption….She shares how this journey changed her but also brought her closer to God through it all…..Anyways I just wanted to share this and let you know that my heart goes out to you….This journey of trying to have a baby is rough stuff, but God IS going to bring us through this…..Jesus is our HOPE 🙂
I am so sorry about your losses. It is so heartbreaking! That is amazing that you suggested that book to me- I have actually been part of a infertility/loss small group at my church this semester and we have been reading through that book. I just finished it this week and it was amazing! it was the perfect book for me to be reading during this adoption loss. You should definitely read it. I will be praying that God blesses you with an earth baby soon!
Wanna hear something interesting? I am getting ready to use that book, “Hannah’s Hope” to lead a small group at my church as well. God led me to that book and I’m so excited about what he’s going to do for these women. Would you say it’s a good book for women who have suffered through infertility miscarriage and infant loss?
That is so odd – they couldn’t be more opposite from you! I wonder if she had two totally different families waiting and just needed to see which one felt “right” after the baby was born? I suppose I’m giving her too much credit.
You’re stronger than I am. I’d be going to the media and exploring all types of ways to sue her.
I wept when I read this. I have also had to forgive Kailee. It is a process to work through. I still love her even through she wounded us so much. And i do love Ava Mae and do pray for all of them. I am proud of you, Bethany, for your kindness and strength.
I, too, broke down in tears when I read ‘I forgive you.” I have a friend who was asked to adopt an unborn baby, and as the weeks got closer and closer to the baby’s birth…birth mom got more and more demanding-my friend had to never change the name, care package every month until baby was 18 years old, weekly visits until 18 years of age. I couldn’t do what you are doing. Praying for you!
My friend finally put down her foot about all the new requirements…and they were about to bring home baby and mother said “I chose someone else”…
Your friend’s story sounds so familiar! Just horrible 😦
Pingback: Guess Who Contacted Me? | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope