Square One

We have been so disheartened and discouraged lately, it is hard to believe we are back at square one. I still can’t believe all of the work we did and all of the money saved and donated did not end in our rainbow baby. Four times in the past two years we have opened our hearts to another baby and every time we have been bitterly disappointed. It is hard for me not to compare my story with other people’s stories. Most of theirs seem to end with a live baby. I wish that God could have put me on a forward moving track like all of the other baby loss moms. A track that leads to rainbow babies and healing and joy after the loss. Instead, it seems like He has us on this nightmare circle track that goes around and around with loss, loss and more loss. I am afraid of what He has waiting for me around the next turn. I feel skittish and nervous when I ask Him what He wants us to do next. I hate that. I wish I could hear Him clearly and know exactly what He wants us to do and then go do it with courage.

We were so close to our rainbow baby. I was so close to that healing feeling of a warm body nestled on my chest. Josh has recurring nightmares of working and working to build a high wall and right when he is about to put the final brick in the wall, someone comes and smashes it to pieces, the rubble falling all around his feet. I feel the same way, except now we are left with no more bricks and no way to build the wall up again. Kailee took them all. We feel incredibly low and defeated but we are not giving up. We are trying to decide what to do next in our family building journey. Our options are:

  • stop with our two on earth
  • become foster parents
  • try again naturally with a 50% chance of stillbirth
  • IVF with PGD
  • give adoption another try
  • use a sperm donor
  • try embryo adoption

How I wish I could just get pregnant again and have another baby. Each one of these options comes with a hefty price, some financial and some emotional. Each one comes with some amount of risk. We have looked at all of them extensively and we are praying a lot. Honestly though, right now we don’t have much confidence in our ability to hear what God is telling us since it seems like He leads us into disaster again and again. The IVF with PGD could bring us a healthy, biological baby, but it would end up being at least $30,000, so that is not an option for us. We don’t feel good about the sperm donor idea and we aren’t even sure if they could track down the sperm donor to test him for kell (kell positive blood type=stillbirth, kell negative blood type =normal pregnancy.) I don’t think we are willing to try adoption again since a birth mother could do the same thing to us again legally and there isn’t anything we can do to prevent it. Kailee has made it hard for us to ever trust another birth mother again. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. I don’t think I would be able to support a birth mother well through her pregnancy and birth. I would always be suspicious.

So, what we’re left with is stopping with our two, trying again naturally with a 50% chance of stillbirth, becoming foster parents or trying embryo adoption. Right now we are leaning towards embryo adoption, since we still have a home study and family profile that could be salvaged. I spoke with a woman from the Nightlight adoption agency last week. She was so kind and she prayed with me over the phone. She said it would be easy to test the genetic parents for kell and that Josh and I sounded like good candidates for embryo adoption. I could have a normal pregnancy and be pregnant with my adopted child. How amazing does that sound? The only problem is that it would cost around $11,000 (which we don’t have.) I don’t have the heart to fundraise or ask anyone to donate since I still feel tremendously guilty about losing everyone’s money on our “adoption.” We will probably try to save up the money to try embryo adoption in the future. In the meantime, we are considering foster care. It is the one option we have never even looked into before now since it comes with such a high emotional risk. I don’t know how I could love and take care of a baby and then give her back, especially after losing Lucy. But lately we have been drawn to the idea. We have EVERYTHING we need for a baby- a complete nursery, baby girl and baby boy clothes (I still have all of Liam and Asher’s clothes) carseats, a van, two stable parents and so much love to give. It wouldn’t cost us anything except courage. A foster baby could end up being our adopted baby, but we would first have to do everything possible to reunify that baby with the birth parents. We are still praying about what to do.

This morning I was so sad and disheartened and completely overwhelmed with my life so I decided to run to God with my fears and questions (even though part of me wanted to just run away from Him.) I read Isaiah 41:10. If there ever was one verse for my life it is this one. God has brought it back to me again and again during scary times in my life. I remember reading this verse over and over when I was lost for three days in Tokyo and Osaka (long, ridiculous story.) I had this verse written on a notecard with me when I was laboring and giving birth to all three of my children. It has strengthened and encouraged me so much.

Do not be afraid for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have always focused on the “do not be afraid” part because I am usually in the middle of being afraid of something. Today I noticed “do not be dismayed for I am your God.” Dismayed is EXACTLY how I have been feeling.

DISMAY– To break down the courage of completely, as by sudden danger or trouble; dishearten thoroughly; daunt. To deprive a person of courage or the power to act as a result of fear or anxiety. A sense of helplessness caused by an awareness of the enormity of something.

Even though we have an underlying peace, we are feeling more and more dismayed with our situation as we try to decide what is next. God tells me not to be dismayed because He is my God. We are trusting Him to strengthen us and help us yet again while we deal with this new loss and all of the hurt that comes with it. We still feel strongly that God has more children for us. We are not going to let Kailee’s act of evil determine how our family growing journey ends. Please pray that we can trust God again and do what He wants and if it is embryo adoption, that He would show us how to fund it. Thank you again for your many prayers and kind words of support.


9 thoughts on “Square One

  1. I just happened to find you blog and I too have suffered a loss & miscarried a baby. She was going to be my 3rd and final daughter but at my 20 week ultra-sound, I found out she had passed away. It has been 7 years but I still think about her daily…and all the emotions that go with it. I am so sorry for all the devastating loss you have had to go through:(. I often times think of the song ” Blessed be your name”…He gives and He takes away. So very true! He gave me 2 beautiful children & it is so helpful to focus on that instead. Vacations & holidays and everything in between have made my days so happy (even through the hard times.). I hope whatever God has in your path will fill you with happiness!

  2. Praying for you and your family and checking in to see how you’re doing often. I really hope you experience the joy you deserve in the days ahead. Hugs X100!

  3. I too will pray for you to have clarity. I remember so well the feelings of frustration and jealousy for those who seemed to be on the fast track to a rainbow. It was so hard to remember that God’s timing is not my timing. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Hey Bethany,
    I. Feel. You. so. much.
    I commented earlier and want to just tell you that a lot of people don’t understand why you desire more than 2 children. For me, it was the whole vision for my life. For me, the idea of my uterus not working properly was like an artist who’s hands who had been chopped off, or a runner who’s feet had been amputated. We wanted children. Lots of children. We wanted a big family. We did move forward with a biological pregnancy that ended with a rainbow baby, thankfully, and we pray we are able to continue to have biological children. But I also know now that nothing is promised. And casting your seeds in all directions is what we’ve decided to do.
    What does this mean for us?
    We are moving forward with nternational adoption because the child has to be determined an orphan before you are given a referral. To my husband and I, this felt safer. I felt the exact same way about foster care, and it is also why we didn’t go with domestic infant adoption.
    I will say that now that we’ve had a rainbow baby and are also in the middle of an international adoption, I feel a lot more able to do foster care, and we are considering pursuing that as well.
    Have you considered a special needs child? For instance, China’s special needs program is very reliable and fast and there are so many grants available for special needs children. And many of the special needs are very manageable…
    email me!!! I want to be your friend. This sounds weird but I really really do! I want you to call me when you’re having a panic attack because I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

    • Thank you so much. That is a good analogy about the artist and the runner. I feel like God created me to be a mother and our family still is not complete, I just know it. We never have felt called to adopt special needs children, especially with all of these emotional wounds we still have to work on healing. I just don’t think I would be able to meet their needs well. We are leaning towards foster care at the moment but who knows what will happen! Hope you have a happy Thanksgiving 🙂

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