This ache for her, this absence in our family, the missing her. It never goes away. Today I was at the playground with Asher and my niece and nephew. Right when we got there I noticed a baby girl Lucy’s age toddling around. My pulse began to race immediately and the anxiety started to grow. I didn’t want to acknowledge her, didn’t want to talk to the mom, didn’t want to see the cute skinny jeans she was wearing that looked just like a pair I bought Lucy that now sit folded in a box in the shed. The baby walked up in front of me and stared at me, hoping for some eye contact and a smile. I heard her mom call her, “Come back over here Lucy!” I felt the breath knocked out of me. My heart literally felt like it was breaking, it was a physical pain. I started crying and my fingers and hands started to tingle and go numb just like they did that one time I hyperventilated years ago. “I have a daughter in heaven named Lucy,” I said through tears, “She would have been her age. She was stillborn.” The mother was very kind and said she was so sorry and that she had recently had a miscarriage so she knew just a tiny bit of how I was feeling. Hours later I am still crying and aching for her. It is still so hard to believe that she is not here.
She will always be missing. I will always be losing Lucy, for the rest of my life. Losing all the moments on the playground and the Christmases and the chubby cheeks and the skinny jeans and the smell of her hair and her wedding day. The depth of the loss is just unfathomable sometimes.
I miss my baby Lucy. I miss having a girl. I miss pigtails and dresses and bloomers. I miss seeing my boys with their baby sister. I miss seeing Josh with his daughter. It feels like I just lost her yesterday, the pain is so fresh. It never goes away- my love for her and my want for her. The ache for my daughter, it just never goes away.