It Never Goes Away

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This ache for her, this absence in our family, the missing her. It never goes away. Today I was at the playground with Asher and my niece and nephew. Right when we got there I noticed a baby girl Lucy’s age toddling around. My pulse began to race immediately and the anxiety started to grow. I didn’t want to acknowledge her, didn’t want to talk to the mom, didn’t want to see the cute skinny jeans she was wearing that looked just like a pair I bought Lucy that now sit folded in a box in the shed. The baby walked up in front of me and stared at me, hoping for some eye contact and a smile. I heard her mom call her, “Come back over here Lucy!” I felt the breath knocked out of me. My heart literally felt like it was breaking, it was a physical pain. I started crying and my fingers and hands started to tingle and go numb just like they did that one time I hyperventilated years ago. “I have a daughter in heaven named Lucy,” I said through tears, “She would have been her age. She was stillborn.” The mother was very kind and said she was so sorry and that she had recently had a miscarriage so she knew just a tiny bit of how I was feeling. Hours later I am still crying and aching for her. It is still so hard to believe that she is not here.

She will always be missing. I will always be losing Lucy, for the rest of my life. Losing all the moments on the playground and the Christmases and the chubby cheeks and the skinny jeans and the smell of her hair and her wedding day. The depth of the loss is just unfathomable sometimes.

I miss my baby Lucy. I miss having a girl. I miss pigtails and dresses and bloomers. I miss seeing my boys with their baby sister. I miss seeing Josh with his daughter. It feels like I just lost her yesterday, the pain is so fresh. It never goes away- my love for her and my want for her. The ache for my daughter, it just never goes away.

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6 thoughts on “It Never Goes Away

  1. I understand and am so sorry that you don’t have your little Lucy here with you. The memories I made with Rylan (in my daydreams) hurt the most after he was gone-all of the things we’ll never share together-moments i pictured in such great detail in my head that they almost felt real – knowing that I’ll never have the chance to realize them brings nothing but heartache. Hugs to you.

  2. I’m the same with boys who are Taidgh’s ShouldHaveBeen age – thankfully I don’t live home in Ireland where I’d probably have what happened to you happen. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.

    It hasn’t even gotten easier with a new baby, my arms still ache for home specifically.

  3. I am so sorry. I agree with you. It never goes away, and it never will. We will miss oir babies for our whole lives. Sometimes that feel like forever to me. Sometimes it feels to me as of I will hurt forever. As I was talking to my grandmother last evening she mentioned how much she misses her baby girl who was stillborn at 39 weeks over 42 years ago. She talked about how her daughter would be a grandma by now. It struck me that we are in this for the long haul. Right now I see one year old girls with their hair in tiny pig tails and twirly skirts and leggings and I cry. In 41 years I will be thinking about the grand babies my daughter might have had. This is going to hurt forever.
    That said, it isn’t intense pain every day like it use to be. Now I can see light and happiness ahead along with the hurt and the missing.
    I think it is ok to hurt, and to cry over skinny jeans that were never worn.
    Big hugs from me.

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