This post doesn’t really have much of a theme, just updating how things are going. I think every paragraph ends with a prayer request, sorry! We just need your prayers so much…they keep us afloat. On Monday I had my weekly IVIG treatment done at my house by a home care nurse. She will be coming out to our house every week from now on to give me my treatments. This is SO much easier than driving two hours to the hospital and getting the treatments in the labor and delivery ward. The nurse was SO kind and was here for about nine hours (poor thing!) I was just happy that Asher kept his clothes on all day. His favorite thing to be is naked. I had envisioned myself being productive and doing laundry and such during the treatment, but I was hooked up to an IV and blood pressure monitor the whole time and was basically bed-ridden. It turned out to be a good, forced rest for me. The nurse insisted that I nap and rest while she took care of Asher (Liam was at school) and she handled all of the treatment stuff too. When I woke up she and Asher were doing artwork for Mommy and then she played trains in the floor with him for a LONG time.
He absolutely loved her and soaked up all the attention she gave him. I haven’t been able to give the boys much attention lately so he needed it desperately. He actually threw himself on the floor in typical 3 year old fashion and cried when she left. He is counting the days until she returns. This woman was such a blessing to our family. Also, her sister just lost her daughter, Hazel Mae, who was stillborn this month. Will you all pray for Hazel’s parents and big sister? I keep thinking about them all and my heart aches for them. At random times her name, Hazel Mae, (isn’t it a beautiful name?) comes to my mind throughout the day and I tear up and my heart races and it feels like I miss her, even though I never met her or her parents. It still shocks me that other women lose babies, every single day. Let’s all pray peace and healing over this family.
My boys have been mentioning the baby more, which actually breaks my heart because I don’t know if they will ever get to meet him/her. After I told the boys about the baby, Liam’s eyes got big and watery and he said, “Mama, PLEASE don’t let this baby die in your belly. We need a baby, we haven’t had one in our family in one hundred thousand years.” This week he cuddled up to me and rubbed my belly. His face was alight and expectant and he said, “Hey little buddy, you’ll be here soon.” Sometimes Liam will hug me and say, “Mom, I just love you so much because you have a baby in your belly.” Asher asks how much longer until the baby comes out and I have to remind him that we don’t know if we will get to keep the baby. It is heartbreaking. Honestly, I don’t know how to do this. If we only have this baby for half of the pregnancy, I want to celebrate him/her while (s)he is here and savor every moment we get with this little person. But I also want to protect my boys’ hearts and I know the less we talk about the baby, the less they will get attached and maybe it will hurt less if the baby dies. But will I regret holding back if this is our only time with this baby? Oh, how I wish we could just expect this baby to come in the summer and start buying cute outfits and have long, hopeful conversations with Liam and Asher about how wonderful it will be to have a new baby in the house. I can’t even imagine the healing and joy that would take place if God answered their sweet, desperate prayers for their sibling with a YES this time and I got to see them holding their little brother or sister ALIVE in their arms. The thought is so beautiful that it’s painful and I try to push it out of my mind when it comes. It almost seems too good to be true. Will you all pray that my boys get to be big brothers to this baby and hold this baby ALIVE and BREATHING one day? Pray that God protects their little hearts from more pain and loss.
I am now 13 weeks pregnant and the baby looks perfect so far. This week I had my genetic testing done where they do blood work and a special ultrasound to check for down’s syndrome, trisomy 18 and spina bifida. I was surprised how little I have cared about these screenings, although I know they are serious disorders. Right now, I just want my baby to live and the biggest threat by far is the anti-kell antibodies. At the ultrasound they also checked for signs of fetal hydrops, which would show up as extra fluid around baby’s organs. Thankfully there were no signs of hydrops, baby was active and heartbreakingly cute with a strong heartbeat.
They also couldn’t tell the gender yet again, saying it could really go either way and it’s too early to tell. Maybe next week! I have had several people ask me if these good reports mean the baby is going to live. Unfortunately they don’t. Lucy’s ultrasounds at this point looked exactly the same- perfect. There were no signs of fetal hydrops or any problems. She had a level 2 ultrasound at 16/17 weeks where they looked carefully at every organ and checked for any signs of distress- there were none. She looked perfectly healthy. The only way we could tell that she was very sick was by doing a special ultrasound called an MCA scan that measures how fast the baby’s blood is flowing. If the blood is flowing too fast, it tells us that the baby is anemic. They waited until almost 18 weeks to do this scan on Lucy (after I INSISTED they try to do it for weeks) and everyone was shocked at how anemic she was. She was dying slowly while we were looking at normal ultrasounds and saying everything looked perfect. So, why aren’t we doing these MCA scans on my baby right now to check for anemia? Most doctors don’t do them or don’t know how to do them until 16-18 weeks. It is hard to get a good reading earlier than 16 weeks, but I have been in contact with several women who’s doctors started them as early as 12, 13 and 14 weeks. I have asked numerous times for my doctors to try the scan before 16 weeks, but they are adamant about not doing it since it’s not their normal protocol. They also have told me that they can’t do anything if the baby is anemic that early, however, there are things that can be done and have been done by other doctors at other hospitals. This is why I will be traveling to Houston, TX if the baby looks anemic early, so that we can try everything possible to save the baby. Of course, to know the baby is sick we will need to do the MCA scan earlier. This is my main prayer request for this weekend: I have an appointment with my doctors on Monday, Feb. 2nd and will be asking them one more time to try the MCA scan at 15 weeks. Will you please pray that they will change their minds and try the ultrasound? If they still say no, I will be traveling to Texas to have the ultrasound done (an 11 hour drive one way.) Will you also pray that the baby is not anemic and the MCA scan looks normal? I do want to add that the regular ultrasounds we are doing every week are still very important and if the baby was SICKER than Lucy was at this gestation, we might see signs of fetal hydrops (caused by severe anemia) such as extra fluid building up around the baby’s organs. We are thrilled each week to see normal ultrasounds with no visible problems.
Thank you again, to everyone who has left a comment, read the blog, prayed for us, thought about us, hoped for us, helped us with childcare (my family especially) and sent us kind gifts. We appreciate every one of you and couldn’t do it without you ❤