Today is the saddest day of the year for me. This is the day, two years ago that we went into the hospital for Lucy’s second intrauterine blood transfusion. It was a last ditch effort to try to save her, although we all knew she was already dying and there wasn’t much hope. I was numb. I was in shock. Her heart stopped and it felt like mine did too. It feels like it has barely been beating these past two years. Often, I wished it would stop. Last year on her first heaven birthday I think I tried to make it a celebration because I knew she was so happy to be in heaven. Of course she is happy. Every day is probably a celebration for her. I also wanted to start a tradition with the boys of celebrating their sister on this day. I bought her a birthday card, the boys and I baked her a cake and decorated it with pink icing and sprinkles and even attempted to sing happy birthday to her. This year I’m just so sad and tired and my body is coursing with pregnancy hormones that don’t make it any better. I don’t have the energy to celebrate. I feel quite desolate, actually. The ultrasound tomorrow looms over me with a weight that threatens to break me. I know that if I allow myself to emotionally go back to this day, two years ago, I will imagine that it is this baby that’s dead too. For today, my goal is to survive until tomorrow.
I hate that I have lived two whole years of my life without my daughter. How is that possible? Look at your son, your daughter…it’s hard to imagine living a week without them, let alone two years. I miss Liam and Asher if I’m away from them more than a day. I miss Lucy the same, and it is overwhelming to look at the rest of my life here on earth and know that she won’t be there for any of it. I wonder how it feels to have all of your children under one roof or in one room at the same time. I will never experience that. There is always a huge hole in our family and it goes with us everywhere. Every family photo is painful for me because it feels incomplete. She is always missing.
My precious girl. My beautiful girl. I wonder what you would have been like, what you would have looked like, if you would have had my crazy hair or your big brother’s amazing brain. I wonder what you would have looked like on your wedding day. I wonder who you would have married, what your children would have been like. I wonder what your laugh sounds like, what your cry sounds like, what your skin smells like. I won’t know until I’m in heaven and I CAN NOT WAIT to be there with you.
Last year for Lucy’s birthday present we made a comfort basket for another family who lost a baby to stillbirth. This year, I thought about doing the same thing but one horrible possibility kept coming back to me…what if I ended up being the recipient of the stillbirth basket at my hospital? Last time I had a friend drop it off and the nurses gave it to the next woman who lost a baby. What if I did the same thing and then I ended up being the next woman to have a stillborn baby? I feel like it’s something that would actually happen to me, like it’s something that should come next in my horrible life pattern of loss and tragedy. So, this year, in honor of Lucy’s second birthday in heaven, we (along with some sweet family members) decided to make a donation to Sav-A-Life here in Tuscaloosa. It is a non-profit, crisis pregnancy center that offers free and confidential services in a loving environment to families facing an unplanned pregnancy. Basically, they educate, support and encourage women who are dealing with a crisis pregnancy and they give them alternatives to abortion without being judgmental. Since losing Lucy, I have become extra sensitive and empathetic to women who have lost babies, and to the babies who are lost…this includes miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death and abortion. Out of all of those terrible tragedies, the only one that happens by choice is abortion. What I would have given to be able to CHOOSE life for my Lucy. I love that Sav-A-Life helps show hurting, scared women that they CAN choose life and that is such an amazing gift. How I wish I could just choose life for this baby growing in me now. I would give my own life in exchange for this baby’s life if I could. I think Lucy is probably pleased with her birthday present this year. I can’t wait until I get to spend her birthdays with her for eternity.
I know this has been a sad post. It has been the saddest, hardest, most desolate two years of my life. Today I am heartbroken but still thankful…thankful for my baby girl and for heaven. I’m thankful that my hope is only deferred, not gone, not demolished or destroyed, deferred for now.