Struggling

As tomorrow’s MCA scan draws closer we struggle to stay hopeful. We are overwhelmed, honestly, wrestling with the possibilities of what the future holds. I am trying my best not to assume this baby’s story will be like Lucy’s, but there are so many similarities it is almost eerie. The waiting and doing nothing and then going in for the MCA scan. The worry, the half hearted gender reveal that should be joyful but just ends up being sad and nerve wracking. Watching all the other women who are due at the same time progress so smoothly with their pregnancies. They get to worry about things like what color should the nursery walls be and which carseat should we get? We picked out the perfect name for our baby and I wonder if I will get to call this name out on the playground or just see it on the baby’s grave marker. Today I went to Hobby Lobby to get some things for the boys’ joint birthday party (which happens to be this weekend) and some things for the gender reveal. As I stood in the aisle looking for the right color chocolate, I wondered if I should also just go ahead and buy some clay molds for the baby’s hand and foot prints in case (s)he is stillborn. I thought about getting an ink pad for more hand and foot prints just in case. But instead I started crying and left as quickly as I could. Today Liam made me a cute card for Valentine’s Day and this is what it said:

IMG_5506

Oh, Jesus, help us. I cannot watch their little hearts break again.

Tomorrow we have another MCA scan and if the baby’s anemia level is even slightly higher, it is a really bad sign. If that happens, my mom, Asher and I will be traveling to Houston so that the baby can have an early blood transfusion. The doctor in Houston is the leading expert on these dangerous pregnancies and has performed blood transfusions this early before. Unfortunately, he has a requirement that we MUST have amniocentesis confirmation that the baby is kell positive (Josh’s blood type) before he will transfuse the baby. We had decided we didn’t want to do the amniocentesis since it comes with extra risks (miscarriage, possibly making my antibodies stronger) but now we feel like we have no choice. We went ahead and schedule the amnio for tomorrow morning as well. If you don’t know what an amniocentesis is, it is a test they do where they insert a long needle into my belly and withdraw a little bit of amniotic fluid from around the baby. They send that fluid off for testing and can tell what the baby’s blood type is. If the baby has my blood type there is no danger and the pregnancy will be normal (although it’s unlikely since the baby is already showing some anemia.)

Please pray with us for a miracle. Pray that the amniocentesis goes well tomorrow with no complications. Also, please pray that the baby’s anemia level goes down and is below 1.5. We KNOW that God can do a miracle and save this baby. We are trusting Him with our baby’s life.

Two different people sent me these verses today and I am clinging to them:

Psalm 91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place- the Most High, who is my refuge- no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.

For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.

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7 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Bethany, I know your family from attending Grace when I lived in Alabama. I wanted you to know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. You have been on my heart tonight and I wanted to share something with you that was of comfort to me during a similar situation. I suffered many miscarriages and years of infertility. I finally had my daughter and then two years later I had a full-term baby boy that was stillborn. During a 10 year period I suffered so much heartache and loss, it was just unbearable at times. Three years after losing my son, I finally got pregnant again and was absolutely terrified. I didn’t think I could cope with another loss. A very wise lady, (who had also lost a child), told me that God does not give us grace for the future, He only gives grace for the moment. She promised me that if I had to go through another loss God would be right there with me to give me grace, when I needed it.That was over 25 years ago and I’ve never forgotten that.

    I pray for God’s protection over you and your precious baby and that he or she will be born healthy. I also pray that you will continue to rest in the arms of God and find refuge and peace during this difficult time of waiting, and have grace for each moment.

  2. My heart is so heavy for you today. I don’t know you but I would love to see you, hug you, cry with you and tell you I love you and your babies. I read this today and thought of you “God who carried you yesterday won’t drop you today. He hasn’t changed His mind about you or filed your situation in a folder of lost causes” Will make this my prayer for you today.

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