Towards the end of our “adoption” when everything was still going well and Kailee and I were communicating regularly I felt like God spoke to me. I think it was towards the end of September or beginning of October, around the time Kailee asked to meet my extended family and told me she wanted me to be the godmother of the two children that she parents. I felt SURE that Scarlet would be ours in a few short weeks and I was so happy and excited. One day out of the blue I felt like God whispered, “Pray that I will do a miracle in your body.” It was not expected, it didn’t make sense and I tried to pretend that I didn’t hear it. He persisted, “Pray for me to do a miracle in your body.” I didn’t understand what that could mean. I thought maybe it meant one day, years down the road, God would bless me with a biological child or maybe I needed some kind of healing in my body that I didn’t know about. What I wanted to pray was that God would give us Scarlet and that the adoption would go smoothly. That’s all I could think about. I didn’t really want to think about any miracles happening IN MY BODY. It just didn’t make sense, but I heard it so clearly that I couldn’t deny it. I started praying constantly that God would come and do a miracle in my body (whatever that meant.) Of course, I was still praying at the same time that God would take care of Kailee, Peter and Scarlet and that we would have our baby girl in our arms in a few short weeks. Here is my journal entry from the first day in October: I never would have guessed that Kailee and Peter were about to betray us and Scarlet would not be our daughter. We were left reeling, grieving, frustrated beyond belief. I forgot about the prayer that God had told me to pray. I felt hopeless, like my dreams for a third child, for a daughter, were lost (again.) I had planned to write a beautiful post on my blog titled “Things I Thought Were Lost” and it was going to be about all the things I had thought were lost but were now a reality with Scarlet: a third child, my very own daughter on earth, breastfeeding another baby, seeing my two boys with their baby sister, watching Josh be a Daddy to his daughter. It was going to be a beautifully redemptive blog post, but instead I thought, “All of those things ARE lost.”
And then one day in November THIS happened completely unexpectedly:
And as I sat there crying in disbelief, staring through blurry tears at those two pink lines I heard that soft whisper again, “Pray that I will do a miracle in your body.” Goosebumps all over. Could this sweet new life be that miracle? I think it is a miracle that we even conceived after trying for so long with no success. It’s a miracle that I got pregnant when I was breastfeeding and not even ovulating (that I knew about.) It’s a miracle that we were blessed with another baby girl. It almost seems too good to be true. Every single time I’ve gone to an appointment and Nora is healthy I feel like He has done another miracle.
Doubt and fear are natural, I struggle with them every single day. I was scared to even write this post because I might look stupid if God does decide to let Nora die. But I am choosing to trust in His power and His goodness enough to let Him work in me however He wants. I have no idea if my baby Nora is going to live. What I DO know is that God still wants me to pray for Him to do a miracle in my body and in Nora’s body. I do believe He is going to do a miracle, whatever that may look like, and it is going to be better than anything I could have ever thought up. Will you join me in praying that God will do a miracle and that His power will be shown through me? I wait expectantly to see what He is going to do.