Full

Today I had my 20 week ultrasound. Nora has been right on the threshold of needing a transfusion for the past couple of weeks so I just KNEW today would be the day that she would need her first blood transfusion. I was so nervous…sweaty palms, racing heart, sinking feeling in my chest. As usual, Nora was in a terrible position for the scan, all balled up and facing the wrong direction way down in my pelvis. Four different doctors and ultrasound technicians tried to get a good MCA scan (it has to be at exactly the right angle) and their scores ranged from 1.3-1.8. Finally, Nora shifted a bit and Dr. Moise was able to get three or four really clear, accurate readings. He said they were around 1.4-1.48 which means she is still right under the cut off for being anemic and needing a transfusion. She is fighting hard and holding her own against these antibodies. I’m so proud of my strong girl. She was showing no signs of anemia or distress so Dr. Moise said he would rescan in a week. I feel nervous about another week-long wait, but he promised me that she would be safe for at least another week and that I should trust him. Thank you all for praying for our Nora, it is a MIRACLE that she will make it to 21 weeks next week without a transfusion. She is defying what all the doctors said- that she would be affected even earlier than Lucy was and would more than likely be stillborn by this point in the pregnancy.

Psalm 136:4 Give thanks to Him who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever.

This week is Spring Break for us so Josh and Liam were able to come down to Houston for the week. It has been so wonderful to all be back together again. Today the weather was warm and sunny so we decided to try to walk back to the Ronald McDonald House from the hospital after my appointment was over. IMG_5747 As we were walking I noticed that the grass was turning green and the flowers were blooming all around me. Months ago I daydreamed about STILL being pregnant with a live baby in the springtime and it seemed completely impossible. I fantasized about walking around in the warm weather with a swollen belly stretching out in front of me. Today I realized that my “impossible” daydream was coming true. After two years of shattered dreams, what an amazing feeling to have one come true. Nora was kicking around and the weight of my belly was such a comfort. As I was walking I realized that not only was my belly full but so was my heart. I felt full of joy. Two years ago I never could have believed that joy would be possible again. I was reminded of a promise that God gave me in February of 2013:

I will fill your heart with joy and your belly with a baby again.

I thought it was impossible. The doctors told me I couldn’t have any more babies naturally. Impossible. The same impossible that David probably felt standing there in front of Goliath, how Sarah felt when God promised baby Isaac. And JOY in my heart again? Even more impossible. Over the past couple of years I have doubted that promise many times and often wondered if maybe I had made it up in some wildly hopeful moment. But I flipped back through my journal today and read about how He had promised me these things in one of my most desperate times of despair. I remember how clear those words sounded when He whispered them to me and how calming they were. Today He fulfilled His promise, the one I thought was completely impossible.

Hebrews 10:23  Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. 

 My journal entry from February 21, 2013:

(I’ll type it out underneath so it’s easier to read)

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My grief is so deep. I can’t believe that my girl is gone and my belly is flat. It should be swollen with her life growing inside me. Yesterday was such a good day. As evening came my grief came…a hopelessness so great it overtook my mind. I could barely meet my boys’ most basic needs. I wanted to die, I felt like I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I tried to nap today, but all I felt was my flat stomach clenched in pain. I curled in on myself and felt so empty. I cried out to God, begging Him to come be close to me, to heal me. He said,

I WILL FILL YOUR HEART WITH JOY AND YOUR BELLY WITH A BABY AGAIN

I felt safe and loved and quieted by His love. He has continued to whisper these words of hope to me throughout the day and my soul is calmed.

Psalm 44:25,26  For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help! Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love.

And I will always remember how He whispered to me in the hospital as I gave birth to my lifeless baby,

I WILL REDEEM THIS

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19 thoughts on “Full

  1. Praise God!! I have been a silent follower, but VERY vocal to our Lord on baby Nora’s behalf. God is so good…every week that ticks by is a sheer miracle and I am blessed to be a witness to this unfolding and amazing miracle. Blessings!!!

  2. Woo hoo! I looked for news several times today and im so glad! Yesterday i prayed that Nora wont need any transfusions at all because she will stay below 1.5 your whole pregnancy. God told you to pray for a miracle for a reason! Keep it up, God!

  3. Each time you post I hold me breath and let it out in relief for healthy baby Nora. I pray this trend continues. God is good.

    • They won’t take her at viability unless she is extremely anemic and the blood transfusion doesn’t work. Hopefully she’ll make it further, the doctor said his goal is 35-37 weeks but that’s the best case scenario. Lucy’s blood transfusion didn’t work so she really needed to be delivered but she wasn’t viable yet so that’s why we lost her.

  4. This brought tears to my eyes! I am so happy that your family is together this week!!! I know that you are just on cloud nine being able to hug on little Liam! I have been fervently praying for you and thanking God for the baby you WILL have! I can’t wait to meet her!

  5. I am bubbling with laughter with you!! LOOK AT GOD!!! I love that you have ket your journals and are able to magnify the name of the LORD! O come let us exalt His Name together He has done wonderful marvelous things and Great is His NAME! I love you! And I love this beautiful unfolding that God is doing in your life. He is amazing! Our stories are similar in some ways.- Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a good word makes it glad! I am soooo happy at these GOOD WORDS! O gloryyyy to GOD!! LOVE U and praying for you and blessing the LORD for sweet and very beautiful NORA!

  6. Praise God everything is going well! God is a miracle worker and our past circumstances do not define our future. I am believing that she won’t need a transfusion. Xoxo

  7. SO thankful to read this good news! And so happy that you are together as a family again for a little while. Your story is such an encouragement to me, and I’m continuing to pray for you all and Nora! Praising God with you!

  8. I met you on BBC. We lost our girls around the same time. I started following your blog (you have such a way with words!) and with the craziness of life I haven’t had much time to keep up but every now and then I would pop in to see how you were doing. I popped in around the time for the adoption and then last night you popped into my mind so I thought I’d check to see and I was so excited to see that you are expecting! Many months ago you were in target (maybe?) and you worked up the courage to buy little hair bows. You just knew that you would have another girl! The Lord works in mysterious ways and little Nora is already blessing your family greatly! I will be praying for her to remin strong and continue to fight hard! Stay strong, you are such an amazing momma!

    • Yes! I think I remember you and I had forgotten about that trip to Target. Now that I think about it, those little hair bows are packed in her diaper bag and hopefully I can take pictures of her wearing them after she is born! Thanks for the encouragement

  9. This brought tears to my eyes! The LORD has most certainly redeemed your tragedy. Not only has your faith been strengthened, but you have selflessly used your experience to help so many others. I didn’t update you, but I sit here looking at my precious anti-kell baby at nearly 10 weeks old. You should know that your help provided encouragement and guidance in a scary time and you really helped me get through the weekly stress of mca scans. I am so thankful for you! Please know I’m praying so hard for your Nora! God is faithful and will sustain you! I pray Exodus 23:26 over you: “there will be no miscarriage or infertility in your land. I will fulfill the number of your days.”

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