Asher’s Christmas Play

Today, like most days, was a mixture of deep gratitude and grief. I think those who have suffered great loss have also been given a new perspective on life and a deeper sense of gratitude.

My four year old, Asher, had his preschool Christmas play today. He was such a cute little wise man…yawning, playing with his crown and desperately searching the crowd for my face.

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The four year olds sang their songs last since they were the oldest kids in the preschool. I had to leave the room when the two year olds went on stage to sing. I sat on a couch in the lobby crying for Lucy while Nora babbled and smiled in my lap. I thought back on the three previous Christmas programs I had attended there. Liam’s first one when I was pregnant with Lucy…I tried not to throw up during his performance, I was so nauseated and anxious about my baby. The next year I almost couldn’t sit through the performance because I was so crushed with grief. The place seemed to be crawling with little babies and pregnant women. I had lost three babies that year and had no hope of bringing home my own living baby ever again. I thought I was going to have a panic attack and it took me days to recover emotionally. Last year I sat watching three year old Asher in his first Christmas play. I was pregnant with Nora…so nauseated and so terrified that I would lose the baby. And then today, there I was crying on the couch for my two year old Lucy and smiling at my miracle baby in my arms. Such a strange mixture of joy, gratitude, grief and loss. I know that I was probably a trigger today for some other hurting woman who had lost a baby and I hate that I made her pain worse. Nora sat perfectly in my arms the whole time, smiling sweetly at everyone. She is medicine to my soul.

When the two year olds were finished, I went back into the sanctuary and watched Asher file onto the stage and my heart overflowed with love. I thought about what a blessing he is to me and I reminded myself that somewhere out there a mommy was missing her four year old just like I was missing Lucy. Asher could have died like Lucy did. He has kell positive blood just like his daddy and sisters, but because I only developed the antibodies after I gave birth to him, he was safe. If I had developed the antibodies before I got pregnant with him, he would have been stillborn. Oh how happy I am that I got to see my four year old perform in his Christmas play today! I love having Asher here on earth with me and I love that I know what color his eyes are and what his voice sounds like. Today was a gift, even though I had to live it without Lucy. I love my life and the BEST part is that it ends with heaven.

 

 

She’s Arriving Early!

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!