This Blog

Welcome to my blog. It is terrifying to write a blog, especially one about the most personal thing in your life. I now have so much admiration for anyone who has put themselves out there and started a blog. I originally started writing this to chronicle our journey through grief and IVF and surrogacy. It was also going to follow our fund raising efforts to pay for the IVF. After I started writing some posts we found out from our doctor that we might have a chance at trying again naturally for a baby. My friends urged me to still do the blog, even without the fundraising, IVF and surrogacy. I also realized how therapeutic it was to write out our journey and to see all of the amazing things God has done for us. I’m expecting Him to do something wonderful and I would love it if you came along for the ride. By the way, I do apologize that this isn’t a happy, witty blog about motherhood and children. I wish it was. Right now we are still in the “Losing Lucy” stage, but one day we hope to be in the “finding hope” stage. Most of my posts right now will be about losing my only girl and living with the grief. Also, there’s a lot of Jesus stuff in my posts. He’s such a big part of the story that I couldn’t write it without Him. Another great thing about the blog is that I can type out the medical stuff as it comes up. It’s hard to explain some of the medical things that have complicated our lives recently. It’s easier to type it out once and hopefully I can explain things better that way.

I’ve noticed that people don’t like to talk about miscarriages or stillbirth (I mean who would WANT to talk about something like that.) Some women feel like they’re supposed to keep these losses to themselves. It makes people feel uncomfortable and awkward. Before losing Lucy I used to think miscarriages were sad and that the women who suffered them probably felt better after a few weeks. I thought miscarrying or having a stillbirth was nowhere near as painful as losing a child. Now I know that it IS losing a child. It is a soul shattering, heart crushing tragedy that leaves permanent wounds. No matter how far along the woman is in her pregnancy it is still her baby she lost. I think her grief should be respected and her baby should be mourned as a lost child. I want to talk about my stillbirth and my miscarriages. The people who have comforted me the most through this ordeal have been mothers who had miscarriages/stillbirths and shared their stories with me. I hope that this story somehow can bring hope to someone who has been through a similar tragedy.

UPDATE– As the months and years go by since I first started this blog, I see how God has used it in so many incredible ways (too many to list here!) I never thought that so much beauty and hope could come out of my terrible losses. I have been able to comfort hurting people with my story and share medical information with women dealing with antibodies during pregnancy. Lives have actually been saved because of this humble little blog, and it is not any of my doing. It is all God, and I am honored to be used by Him in this way. My own family has been held up during our darkest days by the words, thoughts and prayers of my amazing blog readers. Thank you to everyone who has visited my blog and actually read some of it (this still amazes me!) and to those who have been with me since the very beginning. You bless me more than you know.

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4 thoughts on “This Blog

  1. Oh my. Tina. I am flooded with emotions from this. I knew that you struggled, but gracious. Your journey has been a roller coaster. Your post seems like a gift just for me. Can only imagine the pain that you have endured to have the joy of your kids. As painful as it is, I wish more people were able to share their experiences. There is a forever mourning process involved but no real outlet. I have a dear friend that has brought two babies to this world stillborn and the pain is intense and daily. Kind of the opposite end of the spectrum of wanting a baby so badly. Having your child but not long enough. Grateful but grieving. It would have been so nice to have someone even know what Antiphospholipid Antibody was, symptoms of cardiac failure and know the craziness and prayer involved with needle time 2 to 6 times a day. You ladies are angels right here on earth.

  2. Hi, Bethany. I came across your blog, because I just returned from my first prenatal appointment with our first child, feeling like I was on cloud ten, because we had seen our little peanut blob’s heartbeat, and he’s implanted in a great spot. However, all of the fears that I had with my second born flooded me, all over again. My firstborn, and second were both Kell +, and my son had unfortunately suffered as a result, at 25 weeks, my MFM had noted that his numbers were at 1.7, and I was rushed to the nearest children’s specialty hospital (IU medical), where they performed another MCA scan, but said that the numbers had decreased and I was sent home.

    Two weeks later, I had another scan, and my son had crept up to 1.8 and I was immediately rushed back to that hospital, and was admitted that evening for an IUT the following morning. After being monitored for 24 hours, they believed that my son was doing much better, but that I’d have to return for another in two weeks. Once we arrived back to the hospital, I just felt like something wasn’t right. My emotions had been all over the place! I was angry, tearful, and anxious all at once. Once the nurses had come to take me to the OR, I was in a panic. I just knew something wasn’t right. It was something in my gut… My son was extremely active for some reason, and it made me really nervous, because he hadn’t been a very active fetus, from the start. The anesthesiologist had given me the block, and I felt odd, a way that I had never felt before after a spinal block. The next thing I know, I’m waking up to the entire operating room yelling my name, trying to get me to regain consciousness. My blood pressure had dropped to dangerous levels, so they had to give me an injection to keep me from going into cardiac arrest. Perhaps it was a foreshadowing event.. The doctor proceeded with the IUT, once my son had stopped bouncing around. Then my son gives one really hard kick that frightened the doctor, then the procedure was complete, so I thought…The nurse screams “HE’S BRADYING!” Then the doctor looks around with the transducer and notices that his umbilical was rapidly bleeding out. At 12:04, She yells, “Shit! He kicked the needle and severed his cord! We have to deliver.” At this point, I am screaming at the top of my lungs, crying my eyes out, repeating, “My baby! Not my baby! God, please, don’t take my baby!” I was horrified…

    At 12:06, my son was born. I didn’t hear his cry. I didn’t see him. I just wanted my baby to live. His heart had stopped beating twice. Four hours into recovery, I hear the first news of my son. He had pulled through. Once they had stabilized him, he was brought to me. My baby boy was the tiniest I had ever seen a child, but was giant compared to many preemies, weighing in at 3lbs 7 oz, with ascitis (water on the organs). He was gray, and his breathing was very labored (with a breathing tube), but he was alive. I was told by the neonatologist that the first two weeks would be the most critical for his life, because it’s most likely that he would take a turn for the worst. I stayed in prayer, I hardly ever left my baby’s side, and I really missed my daughter. My daughter stayed in our hometown with my husband, because she couldn’t come into the NICU to stay with me (RSV season). I read to him, sang to him, kept him on my chest, and pumped for him constantly.

    My son was in the NICU for a long seven weeks, and made a huge recovery. He was released at what would have been 36 weeks gestation at 5 lbs 9 oz. Today, he is an absolutely beautiful, bright, 2.5-year old little boy, weighing in at 30 pounds and 37 inches tall! He IS my miracle baby! This brings me back to this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my third (unaffected), my tigers were at 1:2,048, which is “ridiculous”, quoting my doctor, and it frightens me. I am so terrified!

    • Wow, I am so thankful your son made it! He is a true miracle. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that though. Since your titer is so high and your son was so severely affected, I think you would be the perfect candidate for plasmapheresis and IVIG (the treatments that saved my daughter, Nora.) Do you have an appointment with an MFM set up already? If not, you need to get one soon so you can discuss plasmapheresis and IVIG. The treatments are started at 10 weeks, before you know whether baby is kell positive or kell negative. The treatments prevent the baby from becoming severely anemic or anemic too early. Once you have an amniocentesis (if you decide to have one) at 16 weeks you will know whether baby is kell positive or negative. If baby is positive then you continue the treatments and start monitoring every week with MCA scans. If baby is negative you stop the treatments and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I wrote a blog post about the treatment called Dr. Moise’s Study Using Plasmapheresis and IVIG to Treat Severe Maternal Red Cell Alloimmunization. You can also read through the posts written while I was having the treatments done during my pregnancy with Nora if you want more information. Also, come find me on facebook (Bethany Weathersby) and I will add you to the ISO Moms group. The women in the group are amazing 🙂

  3. Hi, Bethany! I actually just had my first prenatal visit (at 7 weeks), this passed Monday. I’m currently stationed in Vilseck, Germany, so I’m not entirely sure how the doctors go about special conditions, like the one we share. Honestly, I am almost certain that I’m going to have to travel hours away to receive the care that we need, because we are at least an hour and a half outside of one of the nearest larger cities. They did draw my blood, that visit, and I’m scheduled to come back on the 13th of June. I’m not sure if they will deliver the results of my blood work, then, or if they’ll call me in between. Either way, I am extremely nervous, anxious, terrified, and sick! Once I saw that heartbeat, I just fell so, so, so in love with our baby…I just don’t know what I’d do when I become so attached, imagining what he or she may look like, and the worst of the worst happens. You are so strong and are giving me the strength to pray for the best, and for this I greatly appreciate you for starting this blog for moms that are going through or have been through such terrifying times that we have experienced, in the past. I’ll add you on FB, now.

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