More Conversations With My Four Year Old

Before dinner, Asher always thanks God for the food and asks Him for a new baby. The other night Liam said, “I want God to put baby Lucy in your belly.” I told him that it won’t be Lucy, but maybe He would give us another girl. He said, “Ok, and we will name her Lucy.” But I told him (like I have so many times) that we have to name the next baby something other than Lucy because it won’t be Lucy. He looked so sad.  I asked him if maybe he wants to name the next baby Ruby (just trying to think of a name similar to Lucy) and he said that Asher can name the baby in his belly Ruby, but he wants the next baby in Mommy’s belly to be Lucy. It breaks my heart, but it also echoes my heart. If we ever have another baby, he or she will be welcomed with so much love, hope and thankfulness, but also with sorrow, because everything about that baby will remind me of what I missed with Lucy.

Another conversation- I tell Liam that we’re going to visit Daddy-D (my grandfather) in Memphis the next day. He says, “What about Mama-E? Is she going to be there?” I remind him that Mama-E died and went to heaven and is playing with baby Lucy there. But he looks very concerned and says, “But I don’t want her to play with Lucy. She’s MY baby sister. I want to play with her.” Again, his honesty echoes my own heartache. Often, when I think of my amazing grandmothers in heaven cuddling Lucy and loving her, I feel happy and then I feel very, very jealous. I’m jealous that someone else gets to know my baby before I do. I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s how I feel and apparently it’s how Liam feels too. One day we’ll probably look back from heaven and laugh at our silly, earthly perspectives, but for now I don’t want another baby in my belly, I want Lucy. And I don’t want my grandmothers taking care of Lucy, I want to be the one taking care of her and I want her big brothers to be the ones playing with her.


4 thoughts on “More Conversations With My Four Year Old

  1. Camille and I just talked about Mama E & Lucy in heaven last night. My heart still hurts for you. That sweet Lucy has touched so many lives.

  2. I totally understand what you are saying. I want a baby so badly, but I want it to be my Luke. No other baby can seem as special at this point. I am already having much dilemma in my heart about whether God will give us another boy or a girl. I always wanted one of each, a boy first and then a girl because I always thought it would be fun to have an older brother to protect me and bring home cute friends like my mom talks about with her brother. So, I very much want another boy, but I’m afraid God will think that’s too much like Luke too soon and will give us a girl instead. It’s silly, but I feel like having another boy will somehow make the loss of Luke easier. And in a practical way, we already have a nursery decorated in green and blue and frogs for a boy and a ton of boy clothes and toys. The only comfort about a girl at this moment is the names. I had way more girl names written down, including a couple that would be shortened to Lucy (Lucinda, Lucille) and Ruby. You have good taste in names! But for boys’ names, there are none I love as much as Luke. I just wish somehow he could come back into my belly like your Asher is saying. Sometimes kids have the best, clearest perspective.

  3. I totally understand how you feel, wanting to be pregnant again with your angel Lucy. I told my husband the same thing a few weeks ago about our Asher Isaac. If only it could be so… At least we know that we will get to hold our angels one day. You can tell your Asher that my little boy will keep Lucy company until he goes to meet her in Heaven one day. 🙂

  4. I understand – having three Heavenly babies and three earthly children, my heart feels almost torn in half someday for the ache of wanting to know my babies I never got to know. Trying to enjoy each day with my boys here on earth, while being ready for Christ’s return and the reunion with my other three babies in Heaven. And no more tears and no more sadness.

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