Before dinner, Asher always thanks God for the food and asks Him for a new baby. The other night Liam said, “I want God to put baby Lucy in your belly.” I told him that it won’t be Lucy, but maybe He would give us another girl. He said, “Ok, and we will name her Lucy.” But I told him (like I have so many times) that we have to name the next baby something other than Lucy because it won’t be Lucy. He looked so sad. I asked him if maybe he wants to name the next baby Ruby (just trying to think of a name similar to Lucy) and he said that Asher can name the baby in his belly Ruby, but he wants the next baby in Mommy’s belly to be Lucy. It breaks my heart, but it also echoes my heart. If we ever have another baby, he or she will be welcomed with so much love, hope and thankfulness, but also with sorrow, because everything about that baby will remind me of what I missed with Lucy.
Another conversation- I tell Liam that we’re going to visit Daddy-D (my grandfather) in Memphis the next day. He says, “What about Mama-E? Is she going to be there?” I remind him that Mama-E died and went to heaven and is playing with baby Lucy there. But he looks very concerned and says, “But I don’t want her to play with Lucy. She’s MY baby sister. I want to play with her.” Again, his honesty echoes my own heartache. Often, when I think of my amazing grandmothers in heaven cuddling Lucy and loving her, I feel happy and then I feel very, very jealous. I’m jealous that someone else gets to know my baby before I do. I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s how I feel and apparently it’s how Liam feels too. One day we’ll probably look back from heaven and laugh at our silly, earthly perspectives, but for now I don’t want another baby in my belly, I want Lucy. And I don’t want my grandmothers taking care of Lucy, I want to be the one taking care of her and I want her big brothers to be the ones playing with her.