Today God has given me a bit of a break from the stifling grief. It’s like coming up for air. I’ve noticed that this has been my pattern of grief. I am horribly depressed and I think about Lucy all day and cry every hour. That usually lasts several weeks, then I come up for air and the world almost looks normal again. Losing Jude plunged me so far down into the sorrow that today feels like such a relief. It’s the first time I’ve been able to come up for air since having the miscarriage in July.
We took the boys to play with the trains at Barnes and Noble. While we were there a pregnant lady came and sat right in front of me while her two little girls played trains. At the same time, a family arrived with a little boy and girl. Their names were Jack and Lucy. Josh immediately made eye contact with me and mouthed, “Do you want to go?” and I was able to say, “No.” We stayed and the boys played with the little girls and the pregnant lady stayed right in front of me. I didn’t even cry. It was a miracle. Even after we left and I had the opportunity to cry in private, I didn’t feel the need. Such a gift from God.
Later, the boys were running through the grass outside, tackling each other, and a three year old Chinese boy came and played with them. He is an only child. His Mom came up to me and said, “You have these TWO boys?” I said yes and almost told her about my girl in heaven, but then I remembered the last time I tried to explain that to a Chinese lady and decided against it. She said, “Wow! It is so wonderful. You are very lucky.” I thought, “Yes, I am so lucky to have my two boys.” And I basked in the moment. I felt peace and joy and it felt so good. As we were leaving, I gave the boys some pennies to throw into the fountain. I told them to make a wish and Liam shouted, “I wish for a baby sister named Barbara!” Um, not going to happen.