One of the hardest things about losing Lucy was having to tell Liam and Asher that their baby sister was dead. She wasn’t coming home. We were very open and honest with them from the beginning. We told them that our baby might get sick. We prayed every night that God would protect their baby sister as she grew in Mommy’s belly. I should have taken more pictures with them and my belly, since that was their only time with Lucy. We honestly never even imagined that she would die. Here’s the only picture I have of Liam with Lucy. It’s blurry. He’s kissing his little sister (and we were in the middle of moving so my room’s a disaster.)

They were so excited about getting their own baby girl. Looking back, I see God’s provision for us. Two days before Lucy died, my parents’ sweet dog, Tanala died. She was the best dog our family ever had. We loved her, the kids loved her, and we always trusted her around them. She was healthy (as far as we could tell) and was running in the back yard. Apparently, she collapsed and died suddenly. We still don’t know why. We were so sad to lose our best dog ever. We told the kids how Tanala went to heaven and wasn’t coming back. This opened up a lot of questions from Liam about heaven. Because Tanala was in heaven, it was more meaningful to him and it became a real place in his mind.

Two days later his baby sister died and went to heaven too. When we told them, they already had “the facts” about heaven all fresh in their minds. It made it a lot easier to explain to them where Lucy was. She was with God and Tanala. We told them that Lucy got sick and went to heaven instead of our house. We told them Lucy wasn’t sick anymore. They were warned that Mommy and Daddy would cry a lot in the coming days and that is fine. We were ok, just sad about losing Lucy. It’s amazing how children can so easily accept what we adults struggle to wrap our minds around. Asher understood the basics, but Liam knew something very bad had happened. He cried himself to sleep a few nights. He said (and still does occasionally) he wanted Lucy to come home and that he missed his baby sister. He asked me why Lucy couldn’t come down from heaven. I told him it’s so wonderful in heaven and Lucy is so happy there, that she probably doesn’t want to come back down. I told him people in heaven don’t come back, BUT he can go to her one day when he dies, if he decides to love God. A few days later I was crying for Lucy and Liam tried to comfort me, “Mommy, it’s ok. We will get to meet our baby sister when the summer comes. She’s coming down from heaven in the summer.” He remembered that he was supposed to get a baby sister in the summer. I had to tell him, “No, she isn’t ever coming back down from heaven.” I think it eventually sunk in. Now, when I cry for Lucy, he comforts me by saying, “Don’t worry Mommy. God is going to give us another baby sister who will sleep in her bed and not in heaven.” How sweet and wonderful that would be.

Just yesterday my brother Luke had his very first son and my very first nephew, Jack. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. It was a very strange feeling to be so full of joy and sorrow at once. I was seriously so happy for them and for baby Jack and so sad that Lucy wasn’t born all healthy and pink and ALIVE too. It brought back so many terrible memories of my childbirth experience with Lucy. I was showing Liam a picture of Jack and was weeping uncontrollably. I had always pictured Jack and Lucy growing up together, the closest of cousins (only two months apart.) Now it’s strange to think of Jack without Lucy. Liam asked me why there were so many tears on my face (he also asked why my tears were turning gray and my makeup was melting) and I told him that Jack made me miss Lucy. He cried too and said, “But don’t worry Mommy. God will give us another baby we can keep. He just has to make it first.” Such sweet faith he has.

My boys are the main reason I get out of bed every day. They force me to focus on something other than my tragedy. I am so blessed to be their Mommy. Because Josh works full time and is a full time grad school student I am with them most of the time. They are used to my tears. I still cry for Lucy every single day, usually in the middle of some daily task like doing the dishes or cooking dinner. You wouldn’t believe how many monster truck conversations I’ve had with tears streaming down my face. I think the boys don’t even notice that much anymore. Asher just says, “Mommy sad” and goes about his day. Both boys love babies so much, it breaks my heart. They are drawn to them. They can’t pass up a baby without patting him on the head and oohing and aahing over him. I wonder if they feel the baby void, if they know deep down that they should have their own sweet baby girl to pat on the head and kiss and love.

Asher just recently decided he wanted to pray EVERY night before dinner. If I try to pray, he stops me immediately with, “No! Asher pray.” This is his prayer (that he thought up on his own) that he prays every night, “Jesus, thank you food. Please baby. Amen.” I would love to be able to give my boys a baby brother or sister. I have a big favor to ask. Would you all please pray that Liam and Asher will get a baby brother or sister who will sleep in her bed and not in heaven? Thank you so much!

Asher and Liam

My loves