Lucy means “light” and when my Lucy left, she took all the light with her. I was plunged into darkness. This past year I have felt like God has been leading me through the dark. Can you picture it? We’re in the deep, dark woods that are full of unknown dangers. The ground is uneven, full of underbrush and huge roots jutting out of the earth. God walks ahead of me, gripping my hand, pulling me forward whispering, “Trust me. I can see, even though you can’t. I won’t leave you in the dark.” I have been holding tightly to His hand while I stumble through the dark. I trip often and fall. I get hurt and the pain is excruciating. It feels like He is leading me into danger, the unknown. I strain my eyes. I beg Him for the dawn to come, but still He walks on, leading me in the pitch blackness. But He never lets go of my hand. I can’t see Him, I only see the darkness, but I FEEL Him- holding me up, strengthening me to go on, and promising me that light is ahead.

I can feel the dawn coming. It’s still dark and scary, but I can sense the light about to break forth. If you’ve ever watched the sunrise you know that it doesn’t happen at an exact moment. The changes in the light are so subtle you don’t notice them even if you’re straining your eyes, trying to see. I have been straining my eyes to see the light of hope and joy, but it is still night. I have been straining to see God’s plan in the light of day so that it can make sense, but all I see is darkness. This past weekend as I was listening to another couple share their story of adoption and redemption I started sensing that the dawn is coming. I heard Him whisper, “It’s almost here. Keep going, the light is just ahead.” I heard this couple talk about their own journey through the night and how dark it had seemed right before the dawn. And now, looking back, they see God’s plan so clearly. It all makes sense and it is so PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL. I saw them standing in the blinding warmth of God’s plan coming to fruition. Even though He still has me stumbling through the night, I noticed this weekend that I am starting to make out shapes in the darkness. My night is changing and it is not getting darker. The dawn is coming.

This past weekend Josh and I attended our infant adoption training classes at the Bethany Christian Services office in Pensacola, Florida. I was surprisingly nervous before going, for some reason. The whole adoption thing is new for us, so we didn’t know what to expect and we had a lot to learn. We were so shocked at how easy going and kind the people were. It felt like a family getting together to talk and hang out. It was warm and inviting and professional all at the same time. We felt so encouraged listening to other adoptive parents tell their story and listening to a woman tell her story of how she was adopted as an infant. We both felt confirmation that this is exactly where we are supposed to be and exactly what God wants us to be doing.

Adoption is never a first choice, for anybody. Ideally, all children should be able to live in a loving, safe home with their birth parents and ideally, all biological parents should be able to parent their own children and provide for them. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world that is full of sin and heartache and loss. At one point during the training class I looked around the room and realized that every woman in the room had lost a baby. So much hurt. The birth parents are hurting too. They are usually in extremely difficult, stressful situations where they just can’t parent their child like they want. The baby has a lifetime of needs to be met and a love tank that needs to be filled daily, hourly.

As the director was speaking, I was feeling all of this heartache and loss so deeply. I hurt for the birth parents who have to make such a huge sacrifice, and I hurt for the adoptive parents who (mostly) have been through intense disappointment and loss. I suddenly had this beautiful picture form in my mind and it all made sense. I saw two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. They fit so tightly, so precisely, that it was obvious that they were made to fit each other. One puzzle piece was the birth mom and the baby. They were so needy; hungry for support and love. They needed to be filled, cared for, reassured, nurtured. The other puzzle piece was the adoptive parents who want someone to nurture. They had so much love and support to give, they were overflowing, aching to give it. Just like how I ache for a baby now, these parents long for someone to care for and love unconditionally. God has placed a strong desire to parent in them for a specific purpose. You know, before I had Liam, Asher and Lucy I wanted to be pregnant so badly and I wanted to have a baby, but that desire is not the same as it is now. I have been changed by my losses. I am a different person. I ache for a baby like never before and I cherish my children like never before. A lot of babies who are adopted come with special needs, whether it’s from drug exposure or neglect or just a very high stress pregnancy. And the adoptive parents that they are going to have experienced loss so they appreciate things differently and they love so deeply. It is a perfect match.

He is a sweet God isn’t He? When we brought sin into the world and messed up His perfect plan, He could have just said, “Well, I told you not to do that, so now you can deal with the consequences yourself.” But instead, He takes the broken pieces of our lives and puts them together to make something new. He makes a new plan, and He uses the pain and loss and difficulties to create beauty. I can’t wait to see what He is going to do with all of our suffering. I can’t wait to see who He has picked out for us to pour our love into.

We have some exciting news, and it’s not a pregnancy announcement. We have decided to adopt a baby! We are so excited about this next step to complete our family. We have always wanted to adopt, even before losing Lucy and losing our chance at a normal pregnancy. It always seemed like some far off dream, though. We have been praying for months about the possibility of adoption and finally feel like it is time to make our dream a reality. Actually, we felt God’s prodding towards adoption several months ago, but have asked Him for confirmation several times because we wanted to make sure this was His will for our lives. We have decided to start the process while staying open to the possibility of another biological child as well.

Since making this decision we have felt a lot of hope, which is a new feeling for us since losing Lucy. It feels so wonderful. We can’t wait to meet our baby and see who God has chosen for our family. We already love this baby and his/her birth family so much. We have decided to do domestic infant adoption through Bethany Christian Services. They seem to fit all of our needs and have been matching babies with their forever families for over 60 years. Our friends, Ashley and Travis, adopted a baby girl (Lucy’s age) last year through Bethany Christian Services and had such a wonderful experience. We’re thankful that we have their advice and suggestions and their little Lottie to give us so much hope. (To see their scrumptious baby girl look here.)

We officially opened a separate bank account just to start saving money for our adoption at the beginning of December and when we sent in our pre-application we did not have much money in the account. Talk about a leap of faith! The total cost will be a little over $21,000 for the whole adoption so we have a long way to go in the financial department. For Christmas we asked our families not to get us presents (we didn’t feel like opening presents this Christmas anyway) and to make a donation to our adoption savings account instead. We were able to use that money to help pay for the first application fee and the domestic infant adoption training classes that we will attend at the end of January. We are trusting that God will provide everything we need to get through this journey, and He has already been faithful in providing (thanks to our families, friends and a little extra work) the first few fees right when we needed them.

We are really going to need your support as we go through this journey. The BEST way you can support us is prayer. Here are the things we would love for you to pray for us right now:

• That God would give us wisdom, peace, and (especially) patience as we work through the adoption process.
• That God would be glorified through our story and through our adoption.
• That He would provide all of the funds that we need to complete the adoption.
• Please pray for our baby’s future birth family, especially the birth mom. They need wisdom, courage and strength to get through the coming months and years.

Thank you all for the encouragement and love that you give us so freely. We feel like we have a huge support system through you all and it means more than you know, especially now that we are starting this new journey. You guys are the blessings that God has given us to hold us up during this hard time. We appreciate you all so much.