I am still wondering why I lost Jude and Pax. It is always in the back of my mind. I know exactly why we lost Lucy, my immune system thought she was something dangerous and it attacked her. My own body killed the baby it was supposed to protect. I know that the same thing will happen to any other babies who get their Daddy’s blood type- a 50% chance. I also know that it is only possible for my body to attack the baby after he/she starts making his or her own blood in the second trimester.
There is no possible way that my anti-kell antibodies killed Jude and Pax because I lost them early in the first trimester. So what was it? I never had any problems before, never had any miscarriages before. They ran so many tests with Lucy (just to be sure to rule anything else out) and they all came back perfect. She was perfect, Liam and Asher were perfect. After losing Jude and Pax I had a couple of tests done and everything looked great. Just a few weeks ago I was tested for hypothyroidism because it runs in my family and can cause miscarriages/infertility. I also read that it can be triggered by a pregnancy, so I thought maybe my pregnancy with Lucy triggered it and that’s why I lost the next two. But my thyroid is functioning beautifully, which was surprisingly disappointing. I’m tired of wondering why I lost my last two babies and questioning whether it will happen again.
When we decided to try to conceive our rainbow baby after losing Lucy, it took SO much courage. I was ready to fight for him/her in the second and third trimesters, ready to have a NICU baby for as long as it took, ready to try the new treatments and see if they might save our baby. But I lost them before I could even start to fight. I lost the race right at the starting line.
We might never know why we lost them. So many women lose babies and they never know why. I do know that God is in control and He is not surprised by any of this. I also have a strong feeling that we are NOT done trying. Right now we are so excited about our baby that is coming through the gift of adoption, but I do think we will try again naturally one day. Although, my friend who tried for a baby for five years and then adopted a sweet baby girl last year said that adoption has totally changed her heart and her perspective. She said now, she honestly does not care if she has any biological children, she is so in love with her daughter, she can’t imagine her family any other way. So, who knows? I could have a total change of heart after I meet my next baby. Maybe she will make our family complete, maybe we will adopt again or try embryo adoption?
I am so sorry to all the mothers out there who lost babies and have no explanation why. It is a haunting question that lingers in the back of your mind, nagging and irritating. The best thing I know to do is to file this question away, along with my many other unanswered questions, and to ask God when I see Him in person.