Sometime in the next month or so our lovely baby “S” will be born. Our bags are pretty much packed, her hospital bag is ready, all of her clothes and blankets are washed and ready, we have everything we need for our new baby girl. I have done this before with Liam and Asher, waiting impatiently as the anticipation and excitement grow day after day. The months turn to weeks and soon they will turn to only days left before she arrives. This wait, though, is very different from my previous ones. It is a strange and new feeling for me. I am not waddling around with my big round belly weighing me down. I feel no sweet baby kicks or contractions like I did with the boys. Strangers in the store aren’t asking me when I am due or what we are having. I don’t feel the intense nesting urge to clean every inch of my house before she gets here. I can breathe just fine with no little feet or elbows pressing into my lungs. At night I sleep undisturbed and comfortable in my bed. I am expecting a baby but I am not pregnant. How bizarre is that? I pump and store milk but there is no baby to drink it yet. The boys talk about S constantly, imagining what she will be like, look like, sound like. They already have a list of cute nicknames picked out for her. They get SO excited when they see the leaves on the trees starting to change color because we told them when the leaves turn red our baby S will arrive. They have never laid their cute little hands on my belly to feel S kick. Sometimes it feels like I am a little kid again playing dolls and pretending that I have a baby but she doesn’t really exist. Technically S isn’t even our daughter yet. She belongs to K and P and I want to respect that fact. S is not ours until they make the final decision after she is born. They have the freedom to change their minds at any moment and decide that they will, after all, parent this baby. It is hard to prepare for the baby emotionally while respecting the fact that she is someone else’s right now. It is hard to actually trust God with our baby S since we trusted Him with Lucy, Jude and Pax. I still haven’t completely allowed myself to let go and really believe that we are getting a baby in a month.
The other day the baby’s adorable carseat cover arrived in the mail. I brought the carseat down from the attic and got it all ready for her. It was kind of shocking to see the carseat there waiting for her. It looked like there was a baby already in there, covered up and napping.
Seeing carseats like this have been a huge trigger for me since losing Lucy. I avoid them as much as possible when I am in public. I almost had a panic attack when a woman at church brought her newborn baby, Lucy’s age, into Sunday school in his carseat last year. Now, I am going to (hopefully) be carrying around my own living, breathing baby in a carseat. I tried to fathom the thought that she might be sitting in that carseat in a few short weeks. I am almost too afraid to hope. I’m sure K and P are feeling the strain but for all the opposite reasons. K IS feeling those sweet baby kicks and struggling to sleep well at night. She is throwing up and feeling giant and pregnant and I can’t imagine how hard that is. She is also probably trying to prepare emotionally for this upcoming month and all that it holds.
As strange as all of this is, I don’t think I would change any of it. I believe that God has grand plans for baby S and all of this is just the beginning of her amazing story. I believe that she was created for our family and if things were different we might be missing out on our precious daughter to be. Our family would be missing out on knowing K and P and their beautiful children. If things were different I wouldn’t be learning how to trust God again and I wouldn’t be relearning how to give Him my children in faith. We would be missing out on so much.
Will you all pray for K and P and our family as well? This is going to be a very emotionally exhausting (but wonderful) month and we will need your prayers, especially K. Please pray for a safe delivery and peace and healing for K and P. Thank you so much!